Monday, June 23, 2008

Life Seriously Sucks

Life seriously is sucking for me right now. I was telling my friend about something today and she said, "Well at least you have your health" and I felt like saying, "Um, no I don't. I would not call a uterus ripping open healthy!" But I didn't. I just didn't say anything.

Every quiet moment in my life is filled with thoughts of my daughter. I spend hours online reading other blogs. I am almost consumed with deadbabies. It can't be healthy, but because I'm not a crying blubbering mess everyone thinks I'm ok. That's not to say I'm not ok, because I think I actually am. But who knows what ok is anymore?

We went to a wedding over the weekend, and it seriously sucked. I was supposed to be 33 weeks pregnant, so I was going to be the designated driver. Instead, I drank and my husband drove me home. I would have rather been the dd. We also went to some boat races that we go to every year. I had planned on being very pregnant this year. Instead it rained the whole time and I didn't enjoy it at all.

Let's not forget that there were a lot of pregnant women at the wedding. Actually, I should say pregnant girls because they were all 20. None of them is married. One isn't even sure who the dad is! Really God? Really?

And of course they all sat together... right in a row... at the same table I was sitting at... 3 chairs away from me. One (the whorish one) even had the nerve to loudly complain that she's too big to dance and looked right at me as she said it. But instead of jumping out of my chair and using my plastic fork to take her baby out of her and run away with it, I choose to believe that she looked at me because she realized what she had just said was really ignorant and incredibly insensitive and she felt bad. That's what I believed anyway. It was the only way I could stop myself from performing a plastic-utensil-c-section on her.

I honestly don't have the desire to do anything anymore. Not right now. I'm hoping this feeling will pass after my due date passes. I am back to a fairly normal life. I visit and go out and even have fun. But literally every quiet second is spent thinking of my baby. I've become great at not crying. I wasn't much of a crier before, and so it really isn't that hard anymore. I have always been someone who cries is private. I hate people to see me cry. Maybe it's because my mother never cried when we were growing up. I don't know. But in our 13 years together, my husband has probably only seen me cry 10 times, and only 2 of those times was for our baby. Even though I always feel like I'm on the verge of tears lately, I never cry. Why can't I let it all out? WHY? (Seriously tell me because I honeslty don't know).

This year has just sucked so bad for us. More then once during these past few months have I said, "OK God I really can't take anymore". I meant it. Everything is going wrong for us right now. Example: My husband was laid off, and I wasn't working, so we had a serious shortage of money. We put a new transmission in my car 3 months ago, and guess what it was bad and we need a new one. How did I find that out? My car died in the middle of no where, and I had to park it in a ditch. So now we need to put another transmission in the car with money we really don't have. (I live in the country and have to have a car).

I feel like yelling at the universe WHEN DO I GET MY BREAK! Because it has to be coming some time soon. I thought I was getting my break when I got pregnant. I was very wrong.

This post is a lot longer then I intended. It's also really whiny. I apologize. I'm just feeling so crappy right now I had to "blog it out" (lol) because I'm a compulsive blogger (in case you haven't noticed).

I didn't even get into my try to concieve woes. I'll save that for tomorrow.


CLC said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so shitty. This is like a roller coaster. Don't apologize, that's what we are here for.

Shannon said...

It sucks beyond belief, I know.

Sometimes when it all starts piling on I too wonder when I am going to get my break.

I hope it starts looking up for you soon.

Lissa Lane said...

I'm thinking of you and praying for you sweetie

Little Miss Hopeful said...

Shit Holli,
I could have written this word for freaking word. Well except for the wedding issue.
I hate people seeing me cry too. You should see the lengths I go to not to cry in front of ppl.
When do I get my break?
So there with you. I wish I wasnt...but hon I can sympathise. Why is it things keep getting worse? All I can hope is that the old adage is true - that the darkest time comes before the dawn and things WILL change.

much love