Friday, May 30, 2008

Miscarriages

Let me say before hand that I am sorry if this offends anyone. That is not my intention. As always, this blog is about nothing but my feelings, and this is how I feel.

So someone mentioned my "miscarriage" today and I wanted to rip their eyes out. For some reason when anyone uses the term miscarriage to describe my loss it makes me crazy. I was 5 months pregnant for crying out loud! When I think of miscarriages I think of women who are barely pregnant loosing their pregnancy. Not a mother who is 5 months pregnant and already felt her baby move! Then who holds her baby and takes pictures and had a fricking funeral! That to me is a birth.

I feel like people use the term miscarriage so that what happened to me doesn't seem so bad. Miscarriages happen all the time, but stillbirths are much worse (duh! they happen all the time too!).

I know someone who had a miscarriage and she could not function. Literally. She was probably 8 weeks along. Now I don't want to seem heartless, but I'm sorry having a miscarriage at 8 weeks is no where near as horrible as giving birth to a dead baby! It's not. I know people who have experienced both, and they have said that a miscarriage, however horrible, can not compare to the loss of a baby.

When I think miscarriage I don't think labor and delivery. I'm sure it's not picnic, but it's not the same. Physically you heal faster, you don't have baby stuff waiting for you at home, everyone who sees you isn't expecting you to have a baby, the only people who know about your loss are the ones you tell. It's not the same.

I do not consider my loss to be a miscarriage. My baby died. I held her. I took her picture. I bought a casket for her. I had a funeral for her.

I was a few days shy of 20 weeks. At 20 weeks I would have gotten a birth certificate (or death certificate, whatever). Because I was 3 days short of 20 weeks I didnt' get anything. My loss is labled a "late term miscarriage". Thank you for making me feel like crap. If I could have held her in a few days more I would have had a stillbirth.

It's fricking ridiculous.

4 comments:

CLC said...

I have felt this way at times too. But the fact is, someone's miscarriage might be the worse thing they have dealt with. Our pain might be different, but it's all still pain over the loss of a child. So I try not to get caught up in semantics anymore because that's all it is. You gave birth to a beautiful little girl and that's all that really matters. People can call it whatever they want, but you lost a daughter and that's what matters. I have come to the conclusion that no one can understand our pain unless they have walked in our shoes, even those who try. So please try to ignore how other people label your loss. It's just words.
I don't mean to sound preachy, I have felt this way myself at different times.

a wandering heart said...

I am so sorry you lost your little one so young. I had an early miscarriage, and I have often said that I cannot imagine going through a later loss for the very reasons you stated.

Praying for you as you grieve!

Lauren
(Mustard Seed Mommy from August 08 birth club)

Anonymous said...

Holli,

I post on the 2nd/3rd trim loss board, as well as the 'confessions' board. I have to tell you, i feel the same way you do about the later losses that you blogged about. I had an early m/c, 6.5 weeks before i had DS, and let me tell you, it was NOTHING compared to this loss experience at 18 weeks. Like you said, having to deliver, etc., it has always been one of my nightmare scenarios when i heard it happening to other people, and then, there i was, it was happening to ME.

I do catch myself judging other people's grief over things (sick pet, etc.) and in many cases, decide that MINE is worse. I know, it's horrible of me, and i have no place doing that. I finally realized that it's all relative to your own experience. I thought a breakup was the worst thing when i was younger, then losing a beloved cat was the worst thing, on and on until now. The only people that i - in my ultimate position as "judge" of these things - are the people whose losses were later than mine; stillborn, SIDS, etc. Loss of an older child. I know it's not fair of me, but i cannot help it.

Through them i see it can always be worse, as impossible as it seems.

Cee

Anonymous said...

i have to edit the end of my previous post to read...."the only people that I believe have harder grief in their lives than i do are the people whose losses were later than mine..."

Cee