Saturday, May 17, 2008

You Just "Know"

I have heard other mother's who've lost children say this, and it's something that I haven't really wanted to face. I think deep down I knew something was going to happen to my baby. All along I had this disconnected feeling. I loved her, don't get me wrong. I knew from the moment I saw that plus sign I was having a girl. But I just could not picture myself with a newborn baby. I tried, but I just couldn't see it. With my son I envisioned his future and the things we would do, I could picture it. With Brenna, I couldn't. I remember wondering why I felt so disconnected, and I remember figuring it was because I had had some problems with bleeding and I guessed it was because I was "bracing myself" in the event anything bad happened. Once I got into the second trimester I felt like I was in the clear, but I still had that feeling.

Call it mother's instinct, feminine intuition, call it whatever you want. I think my body knew. I honestly 100% had no doubt my baby was going to be born. I never saw this coming. Never. But I think my body knew. I always had that feeling that I can't describe.

There's nothing I can do to change it, it is what it is. But, I have learned not to ignore my body's signals anymore. I've learned to listen to my inner voice.

On another note, I went to get Brenna's footprint tattooed on my foot. Her footprint was way to small, but the tattoo guy wrote her name out for me instead. He made it look really nice. That was my first tattoo, and now I want more! :) Anyway, I think it looks great. I had them place it so you can still read it when I wear flip flops. Here's a picture:

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CLC said...

I experienced the same feelings. I could never envision myself with this baby. I don't know why. I wonder if everyone does this and some are just lucky and get to keep their babies. But I will no longer ignore my instincts either.

Nice tat. Now you will think of her every time you look down! (and probably every other minute too!)

Mom to 2 boys +? said...

I LOVE your tattoo!! I had that deep down feeling too. I remember telling Mark right after we found out I was pg that I just didn't feel like it was going to happen. I chalked it up to nerves and being scared of how I would handle 3. The first thing I said after I got the news was "I knew". My biggest regret is that I didn't treasure every minute I had with him, most of my thoughts were negative. If there is a next time, I"m sure I will torture myself over whether my feelings are intuition again or fear!

Tash said...

Thanks for visiting my blog.

I'm so horribly sorry for your loss; Brenna is absolutely beautiful.

I think I knew, but tried to convince myself otherwise. Last time the optimistic side tries to overrule the pessimistic side.

I love the tattoo. There's another blogger with her baby's name on her foot -- that way she thinks of her with each step -- or leads with her -- or walks for her -- or carries her forward . . . . there are so many great interpretations for this, I just think it's great.

Breanna and Dave said...

That is such a beautiful tattoo. she will forever be with you at all times.

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