DREAMS

I don't think I've ever had a dream about Brenna. I've had dreams about me having a baby, or being pregnant, but they are never about her.

These past few months I've been having dreams about babies a lot. Being pregnant, adopting, finding a baby in a bush. In the dream, it doesn't seem to matter how I get the baby, but I always end up with one.

Although I'm OK with not having another baby, I'd be lying if I said that I don't want another one. I do. Very badly. But it is not in the cards for us, and I know that. It's still very hard for me when it seems like everyone close to me is having one, and I can't.

It's really hard to swallow. Especially when I can't even escape it in my sleep.

HELLO SPAMMERS

I apologize that I'm going to have to start moderating my comments. I've gotten several spam comments everyday for the past few weeks. I'm going to try a few things and see if that helps. Bear with me.

KIDS

My son is almost 13 years old. I can not believe it.

I look at him, and it's amazing to me that he is practically an adult.

He's not old enough. I'm not old enough!

These past few weeks months have been challenging. He's going through puberty, and it's wearing me thin. When my stepdaughter was this age she was emotional. I expected that. I did not expect this from my son.

There are days when if I even look at him he will loose his mind.

It is not fun.

But, Lord knows, I love him more than anything in this world.

Lucky for him.

SHOPPING

I saw this tee shirt online at Old. Navy today, and you know I had to buy it.

POSITIVE

My step-daughter called yesterday to tell me she is having another baby. I was immediately happy and really excited. She's 24 and married. I love her four year old son like nothing else, and I'm so happy to have another baby in the family.

I've mentally prepared myself for this. Although they weren't trying, common sense told me they would eventually have another baby. It was just a matter of time.

Surprisingly it does not bother me. Maybe because I feel like her babies are my babies. Maybe because I love her and want her to be happy. I'm not sure. Whatever the reason I could not be more excited.



Now my best friend is pregnant, and her pregnancy bothers me to no end. I hate talking to her about it. I think the reason is because deep down I don't feel she deserves it. For many reasons, which I would rather not go into detail about. But basically I'm being judgemental (I admit it) and I don't think she's lived her life right, and I don't feel like she deserves a baby. She's not a very good mom to the kid she already has. Why should she get another one to screw up?



I find myself doing that now: judging whether or not I feel someone "deserves" to have a baby. I have no idea who I consider to be worthy. Some pregnancies just bother me and others don't.



All I know is that I'm happy for this new baby to come into our lives.

TEARS

Before I became a mom I was a rather unemotional person. I got very happy and laughed all the time, but I really didn't get very sad. Nothing made me cry. While I was pregnant with my son I remember tearing up while watching Oprah and wonder what was wrong with me.

When my son was born I teared up, which was basically like bawling my eyes out for me.

I remember when I realized I was changing: My son's first few days home from the hospital. I had taken a nap (hello exhaustion!). I awoke to discover the my husband had taken the baby for an hour or so. They returned home probably 15 minutes after I woke up, but I sat by the window and cried my eyes out. I was an emotional wreck. I thought I was going crazy.

It was like motherhood opened something up in me.

Tweleve years later, after I had Brenna, I find myself crying at commercials.

Losing her has opened up something else in my. It's a whole new emotional level that I've never experienced.

THE SADDEST DAY

Obviously the loss of my daughter was the saddest event in my life, but the day she was born wasn't the saddest day for me. At the hospital many things were happening. There were people visiting, nurses and doctors, and lots of medication in my veins. It felt like a dream.

When I came home my son stayed the night at my brother's house. Our home was so quiet. Lonely. I have never felt so sad in my entire life. I was literally the saddest day of my life. Even sadder than when she was born or buried. It was just awful. Even now when I think about it, I can feel what that day felt like. It was the most hopeless feeling I've ever felt.

"It was the saddest day of my life". I hear people say that all the time. But was it really the saddest day? Do they really mean that.

There is no doubt in my mind that, for me, the first day home from the hospital was the saddest day of my life.

VALENTINES DAY

This year my husband and I went the same bed and breakfast we went to last year. My brother and his girlfriend stayed there too. We had a great time. Each room has a journal where guests of that room can write in. Some are sweet- like the lady who wrote about her brother's wedding; some are funny- "Was that a beaver I saw in the front yard?". My brother's girlfriend was reading the book from her room. We were laughing about some of the things in there. Then she handed me the book and said, look who wrote this entry. There written at the bottom of the page was the name Brenna. What are the odds?

POOR BABY

Rosie

No, my Christmas tree is not still up! This is from December.

My husband ended up taking Rosie into the vet yesterday. Her "scrape" turned out to be much worse than we thought. She acutally took a chunk of flesh off- we just couldn't tell because it had scabbed over. She ended up have to stay at the vets and had surgery last night to clean out the wound and stitch it up. They wanted her to stay overnight, but my husband knew I'd be a wreck so he drove to pick her up last night (in a blizzard) and assured the doctor we'd keep a good eye on her. Of course I feel incredibly guilty that we didn't realize this was a serious injury, she knows it and she's milking it for everything it's worth!


The amount of money we have spent at the vets this past year is insane. He must get so excited when he sees us pull in the driveway.


At least she got a kick ass shave down on part of her body. I think it works for her.

GRIEF IS EXPENSIVE

Back in the early days after we lost Brenna I did something that I really shouldn't have done: I shopped. I bought things that we really couldn't afford. Several times a week I found myself shopping, and buying things that we didn't even need. This went on for a few months. I thought it was just something I was doing, but then I heard other moms saying they found themselves doing the same thing. It was like a temporary fix. A moment of happiness.

Yesterday I realized I haven't been shopping in several months. It's not because we can't afford it. It's because I don't feel the need to shop like I did when I was hurting.

Baby steps.

BABY STEPS

I apologize for those of you who keep coming to this blog, only to find it neglected for a week or two. I suck. I know.

I have many things I want to blog about. I've started several posts, really I have. But I haven't been able to get my thoughts down. I'm working. A lot. I don't like it. Well, that's now true. I like my job. But I hate the guilt that working brings. I feel like I'm neglecting my son (who, truth be told, I don't think even notices I'm gone!). I am having a hard time finding a balance between work and life. My job is very demanding, and I find myself thinking about work all the time. I've even been dreaming about it. I've been making an effort to really stop obsessing about work while I'm not at work. It's a start. Baby steps.

My friend who I spoke about before had her baby. Big, healthy baby boy. I have not seen him yet, because we don't live in the same city, but I will. I was happy and excited for her. It wasn't until later that I realized I didn't feel any jealousy or pain. Baby steps.

My puppy Rosie got hurt the other night. I don't know what happened to her, but she has a big scab on her side. I feel so bad for her. She's kind of a sissy though, and acts like your trying to kill her if you even look at the scab. Cleaning it has been an experience. Because of that her fur had to be cut, and so now she's going to have to get all her long fluffy baby fur cute down, which kind of makes me sad.

We are also planning a trip to Florida around my sons birthday in April. I was not happy to see that Universal Studios has raised their prices considerably. Like $60 a person, which I think is crazy. (FYI: I'm open to all travel tips!)

That's about it: dog, work, kid. I must be the most boring person on the planet. Why is anyone even reading this!?!