It's no secret that I am a religous person. I believe in God. I go to church. I also think it's safe to say that loosing my baby was the first time my faith had ever really, truely been tested. It was the first time in my life that I asked (begged!) for something and didn't get it. The one time my prayers were not answered.
I hear people who've lost someone say that they never believed in God, but they prayed anyway. Their prayer wasn't answered so that only reinforced the fact for them that God didn't exist. I always wonder: if they had got what they wanted would they have given God the credit?
I also hear people who say they can't believe in God, because if there was one why would He let these bad things happen. This is a tough one for me. I do not know the answer. I often wonder why. I'm still waiting for the answer. The truth is I do not know.
I'm going to tell you something I haven't told anyone. Not even my husband. Many times over the past year I've feared that Brenna was taken from me as punishment. I've thought that God took her because I didn't deserve her. In the beginning of my pregnancy I had some bleeding. Then the nurse at the doctors office read my results wrong and told me my numbers were going down (indicating a miscarriage) when in fact they were going up! So, for a few days I wasn't sure what was going on. At one point I couln't take it anymore, and I said that if I was going to have a miscarriage I wanted it to get over with. I was upset about it, but I remember thinking "At least I'll be able to drink at Jenna's (my step-daughter's) wedding" which was a few months away. Of course I was not having a miscarriage, and I was pregnant at Jenna's wedding.
A week later my utuerus ruptured.
I've thought about that many times over the last year. Was Brenna's death my punishment for being disappointed that everyone else got to drink and I had to be the DD? Did God take her from me because I don't deserve her?
Today at the grocery store I saw the saddest little girl I've ever seen. She was about 10 years old, and she was with her mother and mother's friend. The whole time they were shopping (I saw them a few times) they two women never acknowledged the little girl. They walked in front of her talking and carrying on while the little girl followed them pushing the cart. The look on her face was heartbreaking. She was miserable. I wondered what her mother must have done to deserve to be blessed with her. Which got me thinking about all the other terrible mothers I know, and what they must have done to have been blessed with their babies.
Then it dawned on me.
Babies aren't prizes.
God doesn't hand them out because we've been good. He doesn't take them away because we've been bad.
They are a blessing for sure. But a blessing isn't a reward. It's a gift.
I don't have all the answers. I'm not going to pretend that I do. I still don't know why Brenna wasn't born alive. Why wasn't she born a few weeks later when she would have had a fighting chance? I don't know.
What I do know is that I was blessed to have her, even if it was for only a short time. And I thank God for her.
I started this blog in 2008 after the stillbirth of my daughter. Now it's not just about loss, but about life.
4 comments:
Hi, I found your site through the babycenter loss board. This post really speaks to me. I was an avid prayer. My belief in the Lord strong and clear. When I prayed really hard for things I got them. Even after years of infertility once I got pregnant via IVF I thought all my prayers had been answered and that once I passed the first tri I was free and clear. Obviously that was not to be. I lost my baby girl last week at 21 weeks. I am so angry at God. I prayed and prayed for my baby. I would have given up anything for her to be born alive. I would have given anything for her to have any chance. Why didn't he listen this time? Why did he abandon us? If she had lived I would have attributed it to God. So shouldn't I attribute her death to him too. I don't know how I'm ever going to be able to pray again. What is the point? How do you go on believing?
I am a proud Christian, and I have always wondered the same things over the last 9 months. I can name countless people that I know IRL that to me suck as parents, but than I had to tell myself that God doesn't owe me an answer. That was the hardest thing for me to learn, but it doesn't keep me from asking "why" when I see the same type of scenario that you were describing.
I OFTEN feel as if I wasn't worthy enough either or if God took my baby because I knew it was wrong to get pregnant un-married. I felt like God saw me as a rebellious child and took my 'toy' so as to humble me.
It was once explained to me like this:
God's original plan for us did not include death. He never wanted for babies (or any people for that matter) to die. Death was a consequence of the first sin, thus creating a need to be attoned in blood. Eventually that atonement was made by Jesus' sacrifice, and you know the rest of the story...
I had to believe that a God that would give up his own son, for a sinful world, must be kind indeed.
I too struggle with why God allows such suffering,, and I am no bible scholar whatsoever, but surely He can't wait to reunite us. Surely the ache in our hearts mean that our stories are not over, just painfully on hold.
I hope I've given you any amount of comfort. I pray that God would show you is mercy and calm your guilt (mine too for that matter).
I know I've told you before, but my uterus ruptered as well. I know how terrible it feels to think your body let you and your baby down.
We have to forgive ourselves. We need to forgive our bodies.
Sorry this is so long, but your post touched home. I struggle so much with the same thing. Much love to you sweetheart.
xo Lindsay
This was a heart breaking post.
I believe in God too.
My faith, weak before, is almost completely gone now.
I'm lost.
BUT, with both of my pregnancies I think I had partum depression up untill about 5 months. My doc said it was normal for some to feel apathetic, even when they tried to get pregnant on purpose. I had just come out of that stage. I barely had time to "enjoy" the thought of having my son. I carry a lot of guilt with that. I think what you went through with thinking you were loosing your baby was normal. You were probably protecting yourself. We aren't prepared to handle dead babies. It goes against everything we know and feel about life. You weren't being punished. But I too wonder what it is that makes these bad parents deserving of a child, when I did everything right...and mine died. Why did my sister get to keep both of her perfectly healthy children after smoking through both pregnancies, and in the house after birth, and then abandoning them...but my boy died? Why did she get to keep her babies, babies she didn't even want...but I couldn't keep the one I tried so hard for, the one I WANTED desperately, and the one I loved with every part of my being? I don't know this. But, it's on my list of questions I'll be asking God.
BTW, I'm in Michigan too.
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