1 Give us a few words you would have used to describe your body, your health or your sense of physical vitality before the experience of babyloss—and a few that you’d use to describe it now.
Before I would have said I was infertile. Now I don't believe I am since I obviously got pregnant on my own.
2 What do you do to take care of yourself? Has this changed?
I find myself taking better care of my husband now. I make sure he takes his vitamins everyday. It actually made me realize I could loose him, and made me more concerned about his health.
3 Give us one or two words to describe sex or physical intimacy before, and then after the loss of your baby.
For the sake of my family members who read this I'll keep this one brief (your welcome!). I will tell you that after suffering a tragedy your marriage either suffers or strengthens. Ours has strengthened. Greatly. Everything between us is more intense and intimate.
4 Has loss and/or grief left a physical mark on you (a scar, a chronic condition, insomnia, a tattoo)?
Huge scar. Huge. Also a tattoo. I love them both.
5 Do you medicate or control your emotions with food, wine, altered states, prescriptions? Without judgement, what have you gravitated towards in an effort to heal, and how do you feel about it?
Luckily I am not one to turn to drugs or alcohol to heal my grief. I would easily have become an alcoholic/addict. I prayed and wrote on this blog. A lot. I did find myself going out more than usual. I told myself "I deserve it" because of what I'd been through. Alcohol and sadness just don't mix, and I'm surprised there was only one instance of drunken tears.
6 Was physical healing important for you in the first year after your loss? What did/does physical healing entail and how did/do you work towards it? If physicality hasn't been a priority for you, what do you do that makes you feel stronger or more able to cope?
It was for me because I had a long recovery. I remember my doctor telling me it would be up to a year before I felt 100%. That was very true. I could feel pain and pulling if I lifted anything heavy up until quite recently. Now I feel healed.
7 If you could change anything about your body and/or health, what would it be? What would it feel like to be either at peace with your body, or at peace with this babylost state?
Obviously I would make my ovaries ovulate, and my uterus not rupture. I think that one is obvious. As far as the second question: I'm at peace with both. I'm at peace with my body. I'm not the most beautiful girl in the room, I'm not the thinnest, but I'm me. I've never valued myself by my body. I know who I am and I'm comfortable in my own skin. My body may not be perfect, but it's the only body I'm going to get and I feel like I better accept it because it's the only one I've got. As far as the babyloss, I've come to accept that also. I've come to realize that as much as I wanted her- she was not mine to keep. It is not how I wanted things to be, but it is the way things are. I am at peace with that.
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