Who knew that a Han.es sock could bring you to tears. Staring at the tiny sock, with it's little pink heal literally broke my heart all over again. I don't know why it bothered me today- but it did. A lot.
Then that set the tone for the day.
My husband and I went grocery shopping tonight. His company just build a brand new chain store, so of course he wanted to go to that one. He loves to check out his own work. I hate this store. The layout is stupid. It really bothered me today when I went to get milk and on the other side of the isle was the baby stuff. Literally. To my right was the milk, to the left was the baby section. (I wish I would have thought to take a picture because no one can believe a store would be set up so ignorantly). It really bothered me today. Maybe because my day got off to a crappy start. Maybe because I started thinking of the holidays and how these should be her firsts. Maybe because I let my mind wonder to what I thought my life would be like right now.
And to what it isn't.
Even now it's so hard to admit. This isn't what I had planed. This isn't how I envisioned my life would be. Right now I'm just existing. Making my way. But I'm not where I thought I would be. Not even close. Baby, career, money... everything is messed up in my life right now. Nothing is where I want it to be. I'm just really having a hard time in life in general. It sucks. It really does.
So walking past that baby section bothered me. But I brushed it off. Went on shopping. We made our way to the other end of the store. I was ready to check out. My husband decided we needed more milk. Back across the store we went. Back to the baby section. This time it got to me. I've never lost control on my tears before. Especially in a public place. I walked ahead of him so he couldn't see. Tears swelling in my eyes. I checked us out. I didn't say much. I was pissed. Pissed that he wouldn't even notice that I was upset. I was crying. Pissed that he can walk back and forth through that baby stuff and not even bat an eye. I'm pissed that he doesn't see it. It doesn't bother him.
It's like she never even existed to him.
I think hes forgotten her. That's why he doesn't know why I'm sad.
I started this blog in 2008 after the stillbirth of my daughter. Now it's not just about loss, but about life.
4 comments:
It's not that he doesn't remember love, it's that men and women grieve very, very differently.
One of the things that I was told, and it is so absolutely true, is that women remember our babies as babies, men remember them as the children and people that they would have become. We grieve the loss of a baby in our arms, men grieve the loss of teaching them to throw a ball and change the oil.
What sets you off may well not set him off.
Hugs love. I've been there, and it's so terribly hard.
I think Mrs. Spit is spot on here. Dave would never grieve something like I do. It must be terribly hard to have that sort of disconnect and I'm sorry.
Lots of love.
Ditto. He does remember, and he still hurts. I just had this "discussion" with my DH. The things that bother us girls, have no affect on the boys. That's why we blog about the stuff, so that we can connect with people that understand (more girls).
Big hugs to you. I agree with what the others have said. I was having a down night because I kept my nephew that day and realized Jenna would never be that age. DH didn't realize why I was down, until I told him. They just process it differently.
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