LOOSING A FAMILY MEMBER

I think everyone in Deadbabyland knows that most people don't know what to say when it comes to your baby's death. So they say nothing. This is true for my brothers. They are younger than I am, all are single, and very uncomfortable about discussing the baby's death. I have a cousin who is like a fifth brother to me. He is an only child, and his mother suffered a brain aneurysm within a month of his birth. My mom has been a second mom to him, and whenever there is a family event I just assume he will be there because he is part of the family. (When I was in the hospital after my surgery he came with my brothers to visit me).

Yesterday we were discussing an accident he had. He was chopping wood while camping, missed the wood and stuck the ax into his leg. He actually hit the bone. It was a pretty serious wound. We were talking about it, and his subsequent scar. I mentioned my scar and how it healed. He said something to me that meant so much. He said, "What happened to you was the worst because you lost a family member". I was so taken aback that I just looked at him. Then he said, "You lost your baby". It meant so much to me, and I just love him for that. People usually don't mention it, and having him acknowlege that I lost a family member means the world to me.

So thank you Troy. That quick exchange meant more to me than you will ever know.

THANKSGIVING

Some of my fondest childhood memories are of me and my three brothers surrounded by our cousins at our grandparents house. My mom was a single mom- our dad lived in another city, so we didn't see him that often. My grandpa (Papa) was a stand in dad for us, and Grandma was a second mom. I remember when I was in second grade we had a daddy daughter dance, and I was afraid I was going to be left out because my dad wasn't around. My Papa was my date that night. I fondly remember standing on the tops of his feet as he taught me to dance. :) Certain things still remind me of them: pickled bologna because Papa always ate it, and Kool cigarettes because Grandma smoked them.

I grew up, had my own child, and my grandparents health failed. My grandma has gone blind due to diabetes; Papa survived a battle with lung cancer that left him missing one lung. I called Grandma last Christmas and told her I was pregnant. She yelled it though the house! When Brenna died my grandma was in the hospital at the time (in another city) and we were afraid to tell her because we didn't want to give her a heart attack. My mom purposely told her while she was still in the hopital so that medical help was there in case she needed it. We knew it would upset her that much.

My Papa fell last week and broke a few ribs. At the hopital he was diagnosed with congestive heart failure. They released him from the hopital yesterday, but he had to go to rehab for a few weeks. This was the first holiday I can remember my grandparents being apart. My husband and I picked Grandma up today and took her to my mom's for dinner. Then we took her to see Papa. She hasn't seen him since he went into the hospital. We wheeled her into his room. I watched them together; and what I saw made my heart happy. No body's perfect, and I think we get so caught up in the day to day crap of living life that we sometimes forget to take a moment to watch and see people. I watched my grandparents. Papa looked so old when he was sleeping. When he woke up and saw grandma there a light came over his face. We were there about an hour and he held her hand the entire time. He held her hand, even when his arm got tired he didn't' let her go. I noticed that Grandma always calls him "Babe". It's not something that I really noticed before, but once I thought about it realized that she always did.

Papa's a gruff guy who doesn't like to show emotion. But the change I saw come over his face today gave him away. He literally looked years younger when he saw his wife. I've never noticed before how much they truly love each other.

This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful that I had the chance (and took the time!) to see that.

YOUR THOUGHTS?

I am feeling especially crafty this year and have decided to create our Christmas cards. (Only after I learned from my mother that I haven't sent out cards is at least two years!) It is a card from our family, and I feel very much that even though she isn't here, Brenna is a part of our family. I would like to acknowledge her in some way without being uncomfortable. So I came up with this card:

I didn't put her photo on there because, well you know, dead babies are not very Christmasy. But I did include her footprints.

Your thoughts?

THE PERFORMERS

I stole this from Mrs. Spit. Apparently this will tell you what kind of writer you are. I am really suprised that it actually kind of fits:

The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don´t like to plan ahead - they are always in risk of exhausting themselves. The enjoy work that makes them able to help other people in a concrete and visible way. They tend to avoid conflicts and rarely initiate confrontation - qualities that can make it hard for them in management positions.

MARCH

My son's chinchillas mated. We are figuring we'll end up with babies. Today I looked online to figure out when they will be born. Would it suprise you if I told you that when I found out they are due in March I got sad? I'm jealous of chinchillas!

I've hit a new low.

MY SOUL SMILES

"When I feel your love, my soul smiles."

I don't want anyone to misunderstand my last post. My husband is not the complete jerk I made him out to be. We are very close. We are great together. It's because we are so close that this is so hard for me. This is the one thing that he just doesn't "get". This is something that I feel like he doesn't understand, and that is hard because he usually understands me and knows me so well. Instead, I feel very disconnected with him when it comes to Brenna. He hardly every says her name. But then again, neither do I. Usually I just say "The baby". I think not using her name makes it easier. I don't know. I'm babbling. All I really wanted to say was that my husband is not a jerk. He just doesn't show his grief the way I do. I think I read a few months ago someone saying that he husband was "working" his grief out. Like doing extra things around the house. Keeping very busy. I realized when I read that, that my husband was doing the same thing. He had 100 projects going on this spring and summer. I didn't realized what was going on until I read that. I'm not sure he was even aware of it.

It's just hard when someone knows you so well, but doesn't understand the most defining event in your life. It's just hard. That's all.

SHOPPING DISASTER

Who knew that a Han.es sock could bring you to tears. Staring at the tiny sock, with it's little pink heal literally broke my heart all over again. I don't know why it bothered me today- but it did. A lot.

Then that set the tone for the day.

My husband and I went grocery shopping tonight. His company just build a brand new chain store, so of course he wanted to go to that one. He loves to check out his own work. I hate this store. The layout is stupid. It really bothered me today when I went to get milk and on the other side of the isle was the baby stuff. Literally. To my right was the milk, to the left was the baby section. (I wish I would have thought to take a picture because no one can believe a store would be set up so ignorantly). It really bothered me today. Maybe because my day got off to a crappy start. Maybe because I started thinking of the holidays and how these should be her firsts. Maybe because I let my mind wonder to what I thought my life would be like right now.

And to what it isn't.

Even now it's so hard to admit. This isn't what I had planed. This isn't how I envisioned my life would be. Right now I'm just existing. Making my way. But I'm not where I thought I would be. Not even close. Baby, career, money... everything is messed up in my life right now. Nothing is where I want it to be. I'm just really having a hard time in life in general. It sucks. It really does.

So walking past that baby section bothered me. But I brushed it off. Went on shopping. We made our way to the other end of the store. I was ready to check out. My husband decided we needed more milk. Back across the store we went. Back to the baby section. This time it got to me. I've never lost control on my tears before. Especially in a public place. I walked ahead of him so he couldn't see. Tears swelling in my eyes. I checked us out. I didn't say much. I was pissed. Pissed that he wouldn't even notice that I was upset. I was crying. Pissed that he can walk back and forth through that baby stuff and not even bat an eye. I'm pissed that he doesn't see it. It doesn't bother him.

It's like she never even existed to him.

I think hes forgotten her. That's why he doesn't know why I'm sad.

Not Me Monday

It's Monday again. That means my brain is empty. So here is another Not Me Monday to amuse and entertain. :)

• I was not sick yesterday (and today).
• I did not spend all day in my pajamas.
• I did not wait until 10 pm to take a shower.
• I did not sleep in until 11 am two days in a row.
• I did not feed my son pancakes for dinner.
• He did not cook them (because I suck so bad at cooking pancakes).
• I did not spend several hours catching up on my blog reading today.
• I did not skip the dishes because I feel too cruddy to do them.
• I do not have several loads of laundry waiting to be folded.
• I don't have several loads to be washed either.
• It did not snow here today.
• I did not hate it.
• I am not going to bed after I'm done writing this.

150TH POST

First of all, thank you Jessica for noticing my new background. In case you haven't noticed, I like to mix it up a little. I like to change the layout of my blog quite often. But I like this one, I think it's going to be here for awhile.

So the other day I was talking with a family member and my close friend Amber. We were talking about someone who recently lost their adult son. The person I'm related to said, "I can't imagine loosing a child. It has to be the worst thing I could ever imagine..." and on and on and on. I just looked down and didn't say anything. Did she forget that I just had a stillborn baby 8 months ago? How could she forget -she was at her funeral!

It really reminded me how most people have forgotten. Forgotten about her. About my broken heart. My near dying. Even my pregnancy. They see me, and my smile, and forget that just 8 months ago my world came crashing down. On the outside I'm basically the same person. You'd never know that just 8 months, 1 week, and 3 days ago I was near death. I was dying. But I was lucky enough to have a doctor who saved my life. You wouldn't know that just by looking at me. If you could see the inside me you would see how different I've become. You would see how excited I was to be blessed with a baby, and how confused I was when she was taken away. You'd see how angry I was. You would know why I was afraid to let my son out of my sight. You'd also see how resiliant I am, and how proud I am that I've come this far. You'd see the new me, and you'd understand why.

If you could see the inside me, you'd know why I'll never forget her. And you'd never forget her either.

ER ANYONE?

Did anyone catch ER last night? I watched it, and let me tell you it really struck a cord. One person was reliving the death of her young child. At the end she said something that I think all deadbabymamas have seen written, but have never heard on tv. "A child who looses a parent is called an orphan. A wife who looses a husband is called a widow. But there isn't anything to descibe a parent who's lost a child". As soon as she said that tears streamed down my face. The whole time I was watching the show it really just struck a cord with me, but that moment just brought out all the emotions I tend to keep inside. Heartbreaking. Just heartbreaking.

I remember many years ago (13 actually). My husband and I had just started dating. His ex-wife (the mother of his daughter) had recently died. We were watching ER, and the storyline involved a young mother who died leaving behind a baby daughter. The father talked to the mother, even though she was brain dead, and told her how beautiful their baby was and how he was going to do his best to be the best dad he could for their little girl. I remember looking at my future husband and he was sobbing. Tears were streaming down his face and he was sobbing. I remember thinking that it must have been painful to watch something on tv that so closely relates to your life.

I had no idea.

A LITTLE RANT

I have to complain here for a second. I was listening to the radio while going to pick my son up from school. There was a woman on there who was saying she had to take her 8 year old son to the courthouse with her for one reason or another, and she happened up on a gay marriage ceremony. She went on to say how horrible it was for her because she then had to think up something to tell her son to explain to him why two men were getting married. The host suggested she should have told him "different cultures" greet people in different ways- in Europe men greet each other with kisses. Seriously? Seeing a gay marriage ceremony is this woman's biggest problem in her life? I wish I was her!

I'm not trying to debate anything here. I am a religious person. I belive in God deeply. But I feel strongly that it is not my place to judge. It is between the person and God. It's really none of my business. My job is to be the best neighbor I can be. Remember the whole "love thy neighbor as theyself" thing? It didn't say you don't have to love your neighbor if they are gay.

The fact of the matter is that there are gay people in this world. You child is 8 years old. If he asks about the wedding, you tell him that sometimes two men love each other and want to get married. You don't make a big deal about it. It's only a big deal if you make it a big deal.

A few years ago my son came home upset because someone at school called him gay. I asked him, "And what's wrong with being gay?" He couldn't tell me. Because he didn't know. Because he'd never been taught that. He'd been raised in a home where we love everyone. Even the people that get on our nerves. Even the people who are differnt than we are. Even the people who don't like us. We love and respect them all. It's not our job to judge them. You know what? I'm proud that I've taught him that.

Maybe I'm a terrible mother for teaching my kid that. Maybe that's why I can't have a baby.

Rant is over. Thanks for listening.

OUCH

Library Lady: Do you own a daycare?

Me: No, I'm just helping out my husband's cousin.

Library Lady: Do you have any children.

Me: My son is almost 12 and my stepdaughter was just here. That little guy right there is hers. (Que guilt about not mentioning my other daughter. You know, the dead one.)

Library Lady: Well, it's good that you don't have any little ones at home. It would be too much after dealing with all these little ones.

At this point I run over and narrowly avert some fake crisis to get away from this poor lady who has no idea what she's just done to me.

OUCH!

I AM AFRAID

Before I start this post, I want to tell our all of our Vetrans thank you for your service to our country!

I'm afraid. I'll admit it. I have been thinking about having another baby. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. We just passed the date when Brenna was concieved. That's probably why I've been thinking about babies so much lately. Part of me wants another baby, but another part of me doesn't. Part of me is confident that I will have a live baby if I get pregnant again. The other part of me is scarred shitless.



I love the blog To Write Their Names In The Sand. What Carly and her husband do is beautiful and amazing. It means so much to families who've lost children. I sneak over and look at the photos from time to time. What has stuck me though, is how many people have lost more than one child. Some families have lost three. I know many people, Jenell, Mandy, Mrs. Muelly, and Jaded to name a few, who've suffered multiple losses. My doctor told me that the chances of having an unscarred uterus rupture is about the same as getting stuck by lightening. The chances are the same for suffering multiple losses. I'm not feeling very lucky.

It just makes me nervous. I think I could handle it, but I don't think my poor son can. He's only 11, and loosing Brenna really affected him. He was heartbroken, and we ended up taking him to counseling. I could not put him through that again.

My husband and I talked about it the other day and he told me he's afraid that I would die, and he's not sure it's worth the risk.

But, truth be told, I think it's worth it. I know it's worth it.

NOT ME

OK, so I saw this on someone else's blog, and I'm stealing it. Sorry! I'm not very creative lately. My mind is blank.

• Today is not my husband's birthday.
• I did not spend more than I planned on his gift.
• I did not tell my son that I better get a good present for my birthday after buying his dad all this stuff.
• I did not fall back asleep this morning.
• My son was not late for school. (Actually, this one is true!)
• I do not know how he made it in time. (Also true!)
• My dog did not roll is poop for the umpteenth time this week.
• I did not consider letting her stay covered in poop.
• I am not tired of bathing her.
• I did not eat a cupcake after dinner.
• I certainly did not eat two!
• They were not spectacular!
• My son did not get all A's and one B+ on his report card.
• That is not the best report card he's ever gotten.
• I do not now owe him $250 because of that report card.
• I am not sorry I made a deal with him three years ago that we would pay him for his grades. (Actually, I'm not sorry at all)
• I did not enjoy writing this! ;)

Things I have learned.

Lessons I've learned from loosing my baby.

1. Pregnancy does not always equal baby. Even if you make it past the first 12 weeks.

2. Follow your gut. If you have a nagging feeling that something is wrong- it probably is.

3. Dead babies make people very uncomfortable.

4. Deadbabymamas make people uncomfortable too.

5. Referring to your deadbaby as a miscarriage makes people feel more comfortable.

6. No one knows what to say when your baby dies. So most people say nothing.

7. When someone does say something, you will never forget it.

8. Expect a long, awkward silence when you mention your baby.

9. You will think about your baby long after everyone else has forgotten.

10. My mom will do anything for me.

11. My mom is the only other person who truly understand how I feel about this. Even more so than my husband.

12. Watching your daughter suffer a loss must be horrible.

13. There are people who you think you can count on, but when it comes down to it, you can't.

14. Some people will suprise you, in good ways and in bad.

15. Your relationships with people will change. Many people simply will not know what to say or how to act around you. You will slowly drift apart.

16. Abdominal surgery hurts like hell.

17. You will forget the physical pain.

18. You won't ever forget the emotional pain.

19. Your heart can literally feel like it's broken. It is a physical pain you can not imagine.

20. It's OK not to cry. We all grieve differently. Just because society expects a grieving mother to be a weepy mess doesn't mean she has to be.

21. You will look better on the outside then you are on the inside.

22. If you don't tell people you are hurting, they will never know.

23. It's OK to tell people when you are hurting.

24. Don't forget the family you still have. They need you.

25. Writing helps.

They Didn't Make It

I have been bad at keeping you updated.

Jenell's twins did not make it. Their names are Alexis and Ashlen, and they are joining their big sister Makenna is heaven. My heart literally sank when I read that they had not made it. I honestly felt like they were bringing those girls home.

They have now lost three babies in 10 months. How is that possible? How do you "get over" that?

Please, please, please, take a moment and let Jenell know you are thinking of her. You're support has meant so much to me, I'm sure it will mean even more to her.

Thanks!

Thank you for voting for my picture. Right now I'm in first place. :)

I swear, if I could have any job in the world I'd love to be a photographer. Can you say dream job? If I win I'll get $300 which I'm going to use to pamper myself. Hey, I think I deserve it. This year has been hell!

I also wanted to tell my mom thanks. She bought me a beautiful dragonfly necklace the other day. She read my blog and read the post about dragonflies. She said she saw that necklace and knew she had to get it. It's silver and small and really my taste. I've worn it almost everyday since she gave it to me. THANKS MOM!

Also, her friend gave me a really cute dragonfly clip. I love it. I'm going to post a picture of both of them tomorrow. Thanks Deb.

Speaking of dragonflies, has anyone noticed that my new header has dragonflies in it? That's why I picked it out!

It's late. I have a real post coming soon. I promise! :)

Please vote for my picture!

8 Months

I still miss you.

Excited

I have a (real life!) friend K, who has been struggeling with infertility for four years. She recently underwent IVF, and yesterday she found out she is expecting twins! I am so happy for her. She has been trying for so long, and has went through hell to get these babies. She's only five weeks along, but I can totally see her coming home with two babies.

If it wasn't for my loss, I would not know so much about infertility treatments, and I would not be able to share in her joy the way I do right now. Thank you Brenna, for teaching me that lesson.

Tagged

I've been tagged by one of my fav bloggers CLC.

Seven weird facts about myself. There are so many to choose from, how will I narrow it down to just seven?

1. I can not sleep with my back facing to the outside of the bed. Even if I am the only person in the bed, my back can not face the closest side of the bed. I have had this fear since I was a child that someone was going to creep up on me while I was sleeping. (Thanks grandma for letting me watch all those scary movies when I was SIX- namely Poltergeist! )

2. Speaking of my grandma- she LOVES a good dirty joke. The dirtier the better. She has made my husband blush on more than one occasion. He won't even take the phone anymore when she wants to tell him a joke. There are just some words that are very wrong when coming out of an old lady's mouth.

3. I love to do the laundry. I don't know what it is. I think maybe it's linked to childhood memories or something but I really love washing clothes. There is nothing better to me than slipping into bed on freshly washed linens.

4. Loose teeth make me feel sick. Really. When my son has a loose tooth he taunts me with it because he knows it makes my stomach turn.

5. (I'm sorta stealing this one from CLC) I kind of have a sixth sense. No I'm not psychic, but I do get these feelings. Like one day a few years ago I woke up and I felt this feeling of dread. All day I couldn't shake it. We had an ice storm and lost power. I went to my mom's house. The phone rang and I just knew it was bad news. It was my stepdaughter- a tree had fallen on her car while she was in it. When I was pregnant with Brenna I just could not imagine bringing her home. I tried to picture it but I just couldn't. My mom was shopping with me and wanted to buy stuff for my shower but I stopped her. I just somehow knew. Just like I have this feeling that if/when I have another baby- everything will be OK. I have none of the fear that other people have talked about. I just have a feeling that everything will turn out OK. I have really learned to trust my gut and not second guess myself anymore.

6. I use salt on almost everything I eat. Pizza, hamburgers, spaghetti, chicken, mac and cheese, eggplant... you name it, I salt it. The list of things I don't salt is much shorter.

7. Poor table manners make me nauseous. This is probably because my mom and step dad were so big on table manners when I was growing up. People who talk or chew with their mouth full disgust me. (I had a boss who ate like this and it literally made me gag). Slurping soup/hot drinks makes me skin crawl.

OK. Now I tag No Swimmers, Jaded, Little Miss Hopeful, Allison, Mrs. Mother, Kristi, Jen

Miracles Do Happen

I have been semi-following the blog of a mother who was told at 20 weeks that her son would surely die. Instead of terminating the pregnancy her family decided to carry the baby and pray for a miracle. That miracle came just a few days ago when little Stellan was born. Happy, healthy, and full term. They just went home from the hospital. I know that not everyone who reads this blog is of the praying persuasion, but there is no other explaination for me. He is a living, breathing miracle. Here is a link to her blog.

I would not be honest with you if I didn't tell you that for a second (just a second) I caught myself wondering why she got her miracle and I didn't get mine.