If We Could Have Saved You...

My mom bought a grave marker that I just love. It says, "If we could have saved you, you'd live forever." I thought it was perfect.

My mom lives about 50 miles away from me, and when we actually buried the baby we didn't have anyone there. So I took her and my brother to the cemetery for the first time a few weeks ago. I could tell it really bothered my mom. She was getting emotional, but didn't really cry. You could hear it in her voice though. Why doesn't it extract the same reaction from me? That was the first time I've been there since we buried her. You would think I would have been a blubbering mess. Instead I just pointed it out matter-of-factly as if I was showing them some kind of landmark. I guess I just prefer to grieve in private. Or I need to see a shrink. I'm not sure which.

I guess I'm feeling terrible because I don't feel like I've grieved in the "normal" stereotypical way you expect someone to grieve. I'm not your typical deadbabymama. I've only really cried over this once with my husband. I didn't cry at her funeral. I'm beginning to feel like there is something seriously wrong with me. I am devoid of sadness. I feel it, but I do not express it. Am I a freak?

They say grief comes in waves, and I guess I am on a "down" wave. I really miss her. Just typing those words is so painful. I boggles my mind how I can miss her. I barely knew her. She was in my life such a short time, how can I miss her? But I do. I've never been one of those women who enjoys pregnancy. But I miss being pregnant. I miss her kicks. I just miss her. I want her back, and I feel myself getting mad at God for taking her away. Because I thought by now I'd be able to understand why this happened. But I still have no idea. Logically, I know it's not true, but I can't help but feeling like I'm being punished for something. I can't help but feel like, "What did I do wrong?" Maybe I'm feeling like this because all week long I've been thinking about how I pictured this September to be. I planned on having a baby right now. I thought my life was going to be much different. I miss the life I had planned. It's so unreal to me. How can one little person I never even really met make such an impact on my life. One, unfinished baby has changed the course of my life forever. How is that possible?

I think I may have given up the TTC (trying to conceive) dream. I can not bare the thought of loosing another baby. I can't. I can not bare the thought of something being wrong with the baby, and what if I cause it because he/she has to be delivered early because of my crappy uterus? Then what? There are just too many unknowns, and I don't know that I am willing to take that risk.

It's not that I've lost my faith. I've just lost my confidence.