Friday, September 19, 2008

If We Could Have Saved You...

My mom bought a grave marker that I just love. It says, "If we could have saved you, you'd live forever." I thought it was perfect.

My mom lives about 50 miles away from me, and when we actually buried the baby we didn't have anyone there. So I took her and my brother to the cemetery for the first time a few weeks ago. I could tell it really bothered my mom. She was getting emotional, but didn't really cry. You could hear it in her voice though. Why doesn't it extract the same reaction from me? That was the first time I've been there since we buried her. You would think I would have been a blubbering mess. Instead I just pointed it out matter-of-factly as if I was showing them some kind of landmark. I guess I just prefer to grieve in private. Or I need to see a shrink. I'm not sure which.

I guess I'm feeling terrible because I don't feel like I've grieved in the "normal" stereotypical way you expect someone to grieve. I'm not your typical deadbabymama. I've only really cried over this once with my husband. I didn't cry at her funeral. I'm beginning to feel like there is something seriously wrong with me. I am devoid of sadness. I feel it, but I do not express it. Am I a freak?

They say grief comes in waves, and I guess I am on a "down" wave. I really miss her. Just typing those words is so painful. I boggles my mind how I can miss her. I barely knew her. She was in my life such a short time, how can I miss her? But I do. I've never been one of those women who enjoys pregnancy. But I miss being pregnant. I miss her kicks. I just miss her. I want her back, and I feel myself getting mad at God for taking her away. Because I thought by now I'd be able to understand why this happened. But I still have no idea. Logically, I know it's not true, but I can't help but feeling like I'm being punished for something. I can't help but feel like, "What did I do wrong?" Maybe I'm feeling like this because all week long I've been thinking about how I pictured this September to be. I planned on having a baby right now. I thought my life was going to be much different. I miss the life I had planned. It's so unreal to me. How can one little person I never even really met make such an impact on my life. One, unfinished baby has changed the course of my life forever. How is that possible?

I think I may have given up the TTC (trying to conceive) dream. I can not bare the thought of loosing another baby. I can't. I can not bare the thought of something being wrong with the baby, and what if I cause it because he/she has to be delivered early because of my crappy uterus? Then what? There are just too many unknowns, and I don't know that I am willing to take that risk.

It's not that I've lost my faith. I've just lost my confidence.

7 comments:

Mrs. Mother said...

I'm sorry you are having such a down time. I'm sure it's because you just passed Brenna's due date. Big hugs to you.

Aunt Becky said...

*hugs*

Whatever you decide to do, I'm here.

Which Box said...

You are not a freak. Grief is an odd, individual process. I'm so sorry this is a down time.

Jessica said...

I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time. I understand how you are feeling about wondering if there is something wrong with you. I read how other people are grieving, and I have just not grieved like that. I think we all just grieve in different ways! I hope today is better for you!

CLC said...

I still don't understand it either. I have often wondered myself about what I did to deserve this. I can't think of any deed that was atrocious enough to warrant this though. I am sorry you are on a down wave. We all grieve differently, and you shouldn't compare yourself to others.

Mrs. Spit said...

I'm sorry. Passing my due date was such a hard time for me. No matter what, I had to accept that Gabriel was gone, and was not going to find his way back to me.

Thanks for your comments on my blog, and I'm sorry that Friday was so difficult.

Never forgetting Gregory said...

Try not to compare your grieving to anyone else. You are a wonderful mom to Brenna and less tears do not mean less love. I am with you on being scared to TTC again. This must be such a tough month for you.