A mother who lost her baby years ago recently commented that the pain is always there, you just learn to live with it. As the days and months go by, I'm starting to realize that is so true. On the outside I am pretty much my former self. I laugh, and go out with friends, and I actually enjoy life. But on the inside, many changes have taken place. I think about Brenna everyday. I think about her many times everyday. For the most part I think of her in a longing way, not in a way that makes my heart break. But if I allow myself to go back to that place, back to 6 months 3 weeks and 1 day ago, I will fall apart. The grief and agony will come rushing back to me. I will cry and wail, and wonder why. So, I don't let myself go to that place. It does not seem healthy to me to keep on dwelling on that day. I have daily reminders. My scar still hurts. The other day I had indigestion, and it reminded me of her kicks, and at that moment I really, really missed her. I ached for her.
It still seems unreal to me how much I miss her. This little person that I wanted for so long. That was with me for such a short time. That I hardly knew. But I really do miss her. I miss her so much at times it hurts.
But for the most part, the thoughts of her are not painful. They are more longing than anything. Thinking about what would have been- what should be. Today I had to go to my sons school to meet with the librarian. She was going to show me how the computer program worked. The last thing I expected to see was a brand new baby in his car seat. I immediately stopped in my tracks and thought, "Oh great". It took me a moment to open that door. That hasn't happened to me in awhile, and it kind of surprised me. Luckily it was a boy. She told me he was born in July and was going on 3 months old. I had to stop myself from calculating how old Brenna should have been. I had to stop myself from thinking how they would have been in the same preschool. Gone to school together...
I can't let myself go there. That is how I drown in my grief. That is how I get dragged down. Thinking what if, and letting myself think those thoughts. I can't go there.
Grief seriously sucks. That is all I can say about it. It sucks. I don't like it, but I am learning to live with it.