I really haven't had any nightmares about Brenna. I've really only had a few dreams about her. I'm not sure why, since she was all I thought about for several months. Who knows. Last night I had a nightmare about having a baby. I was in my fifth month and pieces of the baby kept falling out of me into the toilet. The part I remember the most is a foot. It fell right into the toilet and I was crying and wondering why this kept happening to me in the fifth month. I woke up with the sickest feeling. (I think the foot thing is related to another blogger who only was able to see her baby's foot. But it was still so disturbing.) I had a bad feeling all day that I couldn't shake.
I also think that this nightmare is linked to the fact (drum roll please) I've been considering wheather to try to have another baby. It is a big deal. I'm not sure my husband is going to be on board with the idea. He and I don't see eye to eye on the subject, and it is causing a rift in our relationship. Mostly because it has nothing to do with my health or finances. It's because he feels he's too old. He's 47. Our son is 11 and his thinking is he'll be done with high school in 7 years so we'll be "free" after that. I on the other hand am only 31. I feel like I really, really want this. I also feel like my eggs are getting older by the second. I need to get this over and done with.
Of course, there is the health aspect of it all. I am not oblivious to the risks involved. I know my uterus could re-rupture. But, truthfully I'd be will to have a hysterectomy if it meant I could have a healthy living baby. I always wanted another child after my son was born, but I accepted the fact it wasn't going to happen for us. Now that I had the carrot dangeled in front of me, so to speak, I can't shake the emptiness that I will feel if we don't at least try for another baby.
I would never do anything without my doctors blessing. But I found a uterine rupture support group, and many of them have had successful pregnancies after their ruptures. None of them has lost a baby due to re-rupturing. But a few have re-ruptured, which is scarry. I honestly, truely feel that a baby is worth the risk. I am also afraid that if my husband and I don't agree on this, I will resent him for it for the rest of my life. I already kind of resent him for not agreeing to have another baby when our son was younger. I always play the "what if" game in my head. What is he'd agreed earlier? Would this still have happened? I know it's not fair. It's not his fault, but I still can't help wondering...
So that is where I'm at right now. I am really hoping that I don't have another nightmare tonight, because that ruined my day. I can't stop thinking about it.