Wednesday, August 6, 2008

22 Weeks

It's been exactly 22 weeks since my daughter died. Why did it seem like such a short time she was here, but such a long time she's been gone?

My family and I will be going here for the weekend:

The Upper Peninsula of Michigan. We are having a family reunion. We didn't plan on going because I was supposed to be caring for a newborn right now. This really isn't how I envisioned my summer. We are going to spend time with the family, but I'm skipping the family meeting. They record the births, deaths, and marriages each year. I can not handle the fact that she will be on the birth page, and the death page. It is more than I can bear. I've asked a family member to make sure she gets recorded accurately.

My grandson just handed me his "baby", a stuffed bear he's had since before he was born. As he handed it to me, I got this sick feeling in my stomach. I don't know what it was, maybe it was the way he was cradling it, I don't know, but all I could think is, "This is how small she was". As I took the bear from him, I felt sick. I don't know why it effected me so much, but I just kept starring at that bear and thinking how little Brenna was when she was born. It's sitting next to my PC right now, and everytime I look at it I think of that sick feeling I got.

As I explained in the last post, this week has not been that great. I'm going to take a break from blogging, and I'll be back next week. Don't worry about me. I just need some time to clear my head. As soon as I get done with this, I'm going to visit her grave for the first time since we burried her.

I just need a break from it all.


Aunt Becky said...

Take all the time you need, my friend.

Sending you and Brenna love.

Tiffi33 said...

Hang in there- you have done very well from what I have read in the past few days..

relax and heal!

lisasmith said...

Just found you through Bring the Rain and wanted you to know I am praying for you today through tears. I cannot imagine what you are going through but I know that I can lift you up in prayer until you receive the strength to lift yourself again. Words fail me but I wanted you to know I am praying for you.

lisasmith said...

Just clicked over to Brendan's blog and now I am praying for him and your entire family and weeping over your loss. Your children are absolutely beautiful!

CLC said...

Hope the weekend is better than you anticipate. Enjoy the time with your family if you can.

mrsmuelly said...

You are quite brave going to the reunion. I hope it is a nice time with family. I'm glad that you are sending someone else to the meeting to assure that Brenna is "in the book". I think that's a really neat idea...until you are faced with losing a baby. I'm so sorry that we both are going through s*cks.

Tara Smith said...

Just found your blog and wanted to wish you well.

I've never worn shoes like yours, but I have lots of friends with those same shoes.

I hope I never have to know how much they hurt.

God Bless you & your family.