My family and I will be going here for the weekend:
The Upper Peninsula of Michigan. We are having a family reunion. We didn't plan on going because I was supposed to be caring for a newborn right now. This really isn't how I envisioned my summer. We are going to spend time with the family, but I'm skipping the family meeting. They record the births, deaths, and marriages each year. I can not handle the fact that she will be on the birth page, and the death page. It is more than I can bear. I've asked a family member to make sure she gets recorded accurately.
My grandson just handed me his "baby", a stuffed bear he's had since before he was born. As he handed it to me, I got this sick feeling in my stomach. I don't know what it was, maybe it was the way he was cradling it, I don't know, but all I could think is, "This is how small she was". As I took the bear from him, I felt sick. I don't know why it effected me so much, but I just kept starring at that bear and thinking how little Brenna was when she was born. It's sitting next to my PC right now, and everytime I look at it I think of that sick feeling I got.
As I explained in the last post, this week has not been that great. I'm going to take a break from blogging, and I'll be back next week. Don't worry about me. I just need some time to clear my head. As soon as I get done with this, I'm going to visit her grave for the first time since we burried her.
I just need a break from it all.