Saturday, August 30, 2008

I Know You Know

My blog had been breached. Well, not really. My blogging is no secret to anyone in my life. I obviously have not made any attempts to hide my identity. Holli is my real name, that really is a picture of my husband and I on my profile. (I do try to hide my location though, too many crazies out there!)

Anyway, my husband doesn't read my blog very often. I think he's read it once before. He doesn't browse the Internet often, and he honestly doesn't have much free time so he just doesn't get around to reading it.

Yesterday I woke up after him. He was making coffee and we talked. He made a comment (jokingly) about me hating him. I knew immediately that he had read this post. I know this man like the back of my hand. We've been together for 13 years. I knew it was his way of telling me that he knew, and leaving the door open for me to talk about it when I am ready.

I'm not sure it hurt his feelings exactly, but I'm sure it didn't make him feel good. He knows that I wanted another baby when our son was little. He knows the only reason we didn't try was because of him. Then I developed "female problems", and knew I was infertile and it wasn't an issue anymore. I do remember when I found out I wasn't ovulating anymore, and the doctor told me I probably wasn't going to have anymore babies. It upset me. Not because I was planning on having more babies, but because that is what women as supposed to do. We are the baby makers. It really bothered me. I remember telling my husband, and he seemed happy. Relieved that we didn't have to worry about birth control anymore. I on the other hand felt broken.

Needless to say, he wasn't exactly jumping with joy when I found out I was pregnant with Brenna. It wasn't what I had planned either, but it was a welcomed surprise. He grew used to the idea. He told me he hoped it was a girl because he knew I wanted a girl so badly. He was distraught when we lost her. He is an emotional person to begin with, but he was a wreck at the hospital. I distinctly remember him saying how ironic it was that we were so unsure of having a baby when we found out, but now look at how devastating it was to loose her.

We have talked at length about my surgery and recovery. About Brenna. But, I know you aren't going to believe me when I tell you this because I pour my guts out to you almost everyday, but I am a very private person. In real life you would never know how I feel. I think I take after my mother in that aspect. I can count the times on one hand that I have seen her cry. My son can say the same about me. Anyway, my husband and I have talked very little about how horrible this has been for me. We've talked, but honestly I don't like revealing that part of myself. It makes me feel weak, and I don't like feeling that way. So I prefer not to tell anyone how hard it was to hold a new baby for the first time, how I would see a pregnant women and feel physical pain, or how I hear stories of women who've carried a baby after a rupture and feel hope that it can happen for me too. Those things I prefer to share with you, my readers, because I don't feel venerable with you. Here is deadbaby/blogland it's OK to be weak.

My husband and I haven't had the "baby" talk yet. I know he knows that I'm thinking about it. I'm not ready to have the conversation. I'm not ready for him to say no. I'm not ready to give up the dream. I am, however, willing to listen to him. I understand that he is concerned about his age. He wants to enjoy his retirement. Well hello, what about me? I am only 31 years old. I have lots of life left. I enjoy being a mom. I want to be a mom to one more baby. I'm not talking two or three more. I'm talking one. I can put myself in his shoes, but he has to put himself in mine also. Is it really fair of him to deny me the joy of having a baby because he feels too old? Maybe he should have thought about that before he married someone 16 years his junior. (Or many I should have thought about that before marrying someone 16 years older!)

We will work it all out I am sure. Of course, you will be the first to know. Don't expect me to change what I write, or the way I write it just because my husband pokes his nose in from time to time. It won't happen. We really don't have any secrets from each other. He really is my best friend, and knows me better than anyone else in the world. He didn't have to read it in a blog to know I want another baby. He knows me well enough.

By the way, this is my 100th post! Where does the time go?


Aunt Becky said...

The Daver reads my blog (as do his parents who, ahem, don't like me) and I find it's good for me. Keeps me honest.

Reese said...

It still catches me off guard when my DH says something that I wrote about. It's usually late at night and he'll slide into bed and whisper that he read what I wrote, and it made him sad/happy/pensive/whatever.

I am like you---honest on blog, but very private in personal life. It is 1000X easier to write than to speak about it.

Mrs. Mother said...

It is definitely easier to write and share on a blog than it is to talk about it in real life. I'm still not really ready to talk about it to many people.

My DH is almost eight years older than I am, and he is concerned about his age, too. He is scared, too, but is willing to try again. I hope you can have the talk with him soon.

CLC said...

My husband hasn't read mine, to my knowledge. But he knows what it's called and it's easy enough for him to find, so he can read if he wants.
Besides the point, I am sure you two will come to a mutual decision in time. (I hope you get your way though!)