"You are ok and you will be ok."
My BBC/Blog friend Liz left me that comment a few weeks ago, and I have to tell you. It is exactly what I needed to hear. Maybe it because she said it with such certainty that I felt I have no choice but to make it come true. Maybe it's because she knows something I don't. Maybe it's because it is true.
The truth is, since Brenna has been buried I have felt a sense of closure. I feel like it's over. That chapter is closed, and even though my life will never be the same, and things will always remind me of her, I can move on. I don't have to grieve her to love her. I can be happy but still miss her. I am not betraying her memory by proceeding with my life. She is never far from my mind, but tears do not automatically spring to my eyes when I think of her. I can think of her and smile. I didn't ever think that day would come.
I'm even starting to think about having another baby. One of my childhood friends recently asked me if I thought about having another baby. She told me flat out she thinks I will regret it if I don't at least consider it and talk with my husband about it. I was kind of suprised because we really haven't been that close these past few years, and it was kind of a blunt thing to say. But truthfully, I told her thank you for being honest, because I really appreciate it. I love her bluntness. It's been more than 5 months, and I am really considering weither or not I want to even consider trying for another baby. There are considreable health risks involved, and I would never do anything without the consent of my OB, but I have to do some serious soul searching before I decide anything. I know my family can't take another loss. Also, I don't know if it's fair to have a baby, knowing that it will have to be born 4 to 6 weeks early so that my uterus doesn't stretch so much. And then there is the risk of another rupture. And a hysterectomy. Or dying. It's risky, but I feel that a baby is so worth it.
Time will tell.
In the mean time, thank you Liz for telling me what I needed to hear. I AM OK!