Dragonflies

Many mothers in deadbabyland use butterflies as a way to remember their babies. They buy butterfly charms, or decorations. They see butterflies and think of their baby. For me it has been dragonflies. I don't know why. I want her headstone to have a dragonfly on it. For some reason since she has been gone I've always thought of her when I've seen or thought of dragonflies.

Saturday we went to my brother-in-laws birthday party. It was way out in the country, on a dirt road even. This same brother-in-law just had his daughter's wedding a few months ago, and of course I went to her shower and wedding. There was this lady who is a friend of theirs from church, who was pregnant. I assumed we were due about the same time. (I remember back when we found out the wedding date I thought I would be hugely pregnant by that time.) Well she was at the birthday party. So was her new baby.

It hasn't bothered me for quite some time. But it really bothered me when I saw the brand new baby. It was a girl of course. I tried to avoid looking at her, but I caught myself a few times. It was harder than I wanted it to be.

As we were leaving, all of the sudden my son says, "Look at that". I look out into the field behind us, and there were literally hundreds of dragonflies flying around. Hundreds. I don't know what was going on, but it was amazing. I've never seen anything like that in my life. My son says they were mating, but I didn't see it.

All I saw was hundreds of wings, telling me Brenna says hello.

You can see a little bit on the above video. In real life, you could see way more.

I Know You Know

My blog had been breached. Well, not really. My blogging is no secret to anyone in my life. I obviously have not made any attempts to hide my identity. Holli is my real name, that really is a picture of my husband and I on my profile. (I do try to hide my location though, too many crazies out there!)

Anyway, my husband doesn't read my blog very often. I think he's read it once before. He doesn't browse the Internet often, and he honestly doesn't have much free time so he just doesn't get around to reading it.

Yesterday I woke up after him. He was making coffee and we talked. He made a comment (jokingly) about me hating him. I knew immediately that he had read this post. I know this man like the back of my hand. We've been together for 13 years. I knew it was his way of telling me that he knew, and leaving the door open for me to talk about it when I am ready.

I'm not sure it hurt his feelings exactly, but I'm sure it didn't make him feel good. He knows that I wanted another baby when our son was little. He knows the only reason we didn't try was because of him. Then I developed "female problems", and knew I was infertile and it wasn't an issue anymore. I do remember when I found out I wasn't ovulating anymore, and the doctor told me I probably wasn't going to have anymore babies. It upset me. Not because I was planning on having more babies, but because that is what women as supposed to do. We are the baby makers. It really bothered me. I remember telling my husband, and he seemed happy. Relieved that we didn't have to worry about birth control anymore. I on the other hand felt broken.

Needless to say, he wasn't exactly jumping with joy when I found out I was pregnant with Brenna. It wasn't what I had planned either, but it was a welcomed surprise. He grew used to the idea. He told me he hoped it was a girl because he knew I wanted a girl so badly. He was distraught when we lost her. He is an emotional person to begin with, but he was a wreck at the hospital. I distinctly remember him saying how ironic it was that we were so unsure of having a baby when we found out, but now look at how devastating it was to loose her.

We have talked at length about my surgery and recovery. About Brenna. But, I know you aren't going to believe me when I tell you this because I pour my guts out to you almost everyday, but I am a very private person. In real life you would never know how I feel. I think I take after my mother in that aspect. I can count the times on one hand that I have seen her cry. My son can say the same about me. Anyway, my husband and I have talked very little about how horrible this has been for me. We've talked, but honestly I don't like revealing that part of myself. It makes me feel weak, and I don't like feeling that way. So I prefer not to tell anyone how hard it was to hold a new baby for the first time, how I would see a pregnant women and feel physical pain, or how I hear stories of women who've carried a baby after a rupture and feel hope that it can happen for me too. Those things I prefer to share with you, my readers, because I don't feel venerable with you. Here is deadbaby/blogland it's OK to be weak.

My husband and I haven't had the "baby" talk yet. I know he knows that I'm thinking about it. I'm not ready to have the conversation. I'm not ready for him to say no. I'm not ready to give up the dream. I am, however, willing to listen to him. I understand that he is concerned about his age. He wants to enjoy his retirement. Well hello, what about me? I am only 31 years old. I have lots of life left. I enjoy being a mom. I want to be a mom to one more baby. I'm not talking two or three more. I'm talking one. I can put myself in his shoes, but he has to put himself in mine also. Is it really fair of him to deny me the joy of having a baby because he feels too old? Maybe he should have thought about that before he married someone 16 years his junior. (Or many I should have thought about that before marrying someone 16 years older!)

We will work it all out I am sure. Of course, you will be the first to know. Don't expect me to change what I write, or the way I write it just because my husband pokes his nose in from time to time. It won't happen. We really don't have any secrets from each other. He really is my best friend, and knows me better than anyone else in the world. He didn't have to read it in a blog to know I want another baby. He knows me well enough.

By the way, this is my 100th post! Where does the time go?

Babies

I held a baby yesterday. It wasn't horrible at all. She was sleeping and I cuddled her. I loved it.

There have been a few times in these last few days where I've caught myself looking at a baby and wondering if she/he is the same age Brenna should have been. There was a pregnant woman in the checkout in front of me, ready to pop. I caught myself thinking we were pregnant at the same time and out babies should have went to school together.

Even though I think I'm really doing great, I catch myself thinking this stuff and then it makes me wonder... Am I going to think these thoughts forever? Ten years from now will I see a 10-year-old girl and wonder if her and Brenna would have been friends? I don't want to live my life wondering about those things.
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Totally off topic, I've been Scrapblogging a lot lately. There is something really cathartic about it. I don't know why, but it makes me feel so good. I think it's because this is the only way I can have pictures of all my kids together. I've printed a few of these out at Wal.green's and they have turned out great. I framed one of Brenna and gave it to my mom. She put it on her mantle, which made me feel good. I'm so glad that she feels comfortable sharing her with her friends and the rest of our family.

Here are a few of my favorite Scrapblogs. I don't know if you can view them from google reader.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Olive Lucy!

Today is Christine's daughter Lucy's birthday. Lucy was stillborn. Christine was one of the first people I "met" on this journey of baby loss. I never met Lucy, and I haven't really met her mom, but they have changed my life. I could have went down a very different path if it weren't for them. For that I am grateful.

Would you please click the link and take a moment to Light a Candle for Lucy.

The Truth Is...

The truth is there is no answer to the "why". I do not believe God gives or takes babies at punishment or rewards. I do not believe I was being "taught a lesson" (although I hope to learn from this experience). I think the truth is, shit happens. Yes, I believe God is in control. But I don't think He took Brenna because I am a bad person, or because I am being punished. Just as I don't believe that freak in the laundry mat was given a baby as a reward for all his good deeds. The fact of the matter is, it was her time. Of couse I wish her time would have been when she was an 80 year old grandma, but it wasn't. Her time was meant to be short on this earth. There is nothing I can do about it. I can not change it. I have to stop asking the eternal question "Why?". The answer isn't because I did bad things or good things. The answer doesn't have anything to do with me.

The answer is: Because it was her time.

And that's OK. Well, it's something I'm learning to be OK with.

I am a Liar

I am a total liar. Remember when I told you this. Yeah, well, guess what... I LIED! I didn't mean to lie. I really, honestly thought it was true. That is how I had been feeling for a long time.

Then yesterday I had to go to the laundry mat because I broke my washing machine (it's only 2 years old- wonderful). There was this freaky guy who was looking at me like he wanted to eat me, seriously. I was so freaked out. Then I saw that he was there with a little baby girl. Probably 3 months old. I could not believe that that freak got to have a baby and I don't. WTF!?! As they left I gave him the death stare, but then I caught myself and said I silent prayer that the poor baby won't have to live the life I think she's going to have.

Then today I hear that these coke-heads (and I mean that literally- cocaine addicts) are expecting a baby. Are you kidding me here God? He is a dealer. She lost her job because she was stealing drugs from her patient. Great people to be giving a baby too God. WHY? I don't understand it. I just don't. I can't even write about it anymore because I am so fricking sick and tired of wondering why those loosers get to have a baby, and mine is dead.

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

Nighmares Anyone?

I really haven't had any nightmares about Brenna. I've really only had a few dreams about her. I'm not sure why, since she was all I thought about for several months. Who knows. Last night I had a nightmare about having a baby. I was in my fifth month and pieces of the baby kept falling out of me into the toilet. The part I remember the most is a foot. It fell right into the toilet and I was crying and wondering why this kept happening to me in the fifth month. I woke up with the sickest feeling. (I think the foot thing is related to another blogger who only was able to see her baby's foot. But it was still so disturbing.) I had a bad feeling all day that I couldn't shake.

I also think that this nightmare is linked to the fact (drum roll please) I've been considering wheather to try to have another baby. It is a big deal. I'm not sure my husband is going to be on board with the idea. He and I don't see eye to eye on the subject, and it is causing a rift in our relationship. Mostly because it has nothing to do with my health or finances. It's because he feels he's too old. He's 47. Our son is 11 and his thinking is he'll be done with high school in 7 years so we'll be "free" after that. I on the other hand am only 31. I feel like I really, really want this. I also feel like my eggs are getting older by the second. I need to get this over and done with.

Of course, there is the health aspect of it all. I am not oblivious to the risks involved. I know my uterus could re-rupture. But, truthfully I'd be will to have a hysterectomy if it meant I could have a healthy living baby. I always wanted another child after my son was born, but I accepted the fact it wasn't going to happen for us. Now that I had the carrot dangeled in front of me, so to speak, I can't shake the emptiness that I will feel if we don't at least try for another baby.

I would never do anything without my doctors blessing. But I found a uterine rupture support group, and many of them have had successful pregnancies after their ruptures. None of them has lost a baby due to re-rupturing. But a few have re-ruptured, which is scarry. I honestly, truely feel that a baby is worth the risk. I am also afraid that if my husband and I don't agree on this, I will resent him for it for the rest of my life. I already kind of resent him for not agreeing to have another baby when our son was younger. I always play the "what if" game in my head. What is he'd agreed earlier? Would this still have happened? I know it's not fair. It's not his fault, but I still can't help wondering...

So that is where I'm at right now. I am really hoping that I don't have another nightmare tonight, because that ruined my day. I can't stop thinking about it.

Fridays are for Fun

I have been tagged by Brittini.

The rules are:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.

2. Mention the rules.

3. Tell six unspectacular quirks of yours.

4. Tag six bloggers by linking.

5. Leave a comment for each blogger.

OK, here goes:

1. I like country music. I grew up in a pretty musical household and always enjoyed music, but I could never see the attraction to country music. Maybe it's because country has become more mainstream and more like pop music. I have no idea, but I have a paticular fondness for the Dixie Chicks, Shania Twain, Sugarland, and Gretchen Wilson. Shoot me now.

2. I have a pet pig. Seriously. A pot belly pig. She is actually my second pot belly pig. We had the first one until she died. I got this one 5 or 6 years ago. Most people don't know that pigs are as smart as dogs, and can be trained to do tricks.

3. I'm a grandma. My husband is older than I am, and my step-daughter is 22. She's married with her own family. My grandson is 2 years old. He calls me GG, which is short for Granny Grunt which my husband started calling me as a joke. Then everyone started calling me GG to make me mad, and he picked up on it. Now I'm GG.

4. I have a blanket. It's old and ratty. I sleep with it every night. If my husband tries to sleep with it I get mad at him because I claim he sweats on it. I take it with me on vacation. In fact, we were going to take the train to Chicago, but ended up driving because I coudln't figure out how to bring my blanket (it's large). I forgot it when I went camping, and I didn't sleep well the whole time. It's even been to Florida. I'm know- I'm pathetic.

5. I am still in college. Someday I hope to get done.

6. I am a fanatic about my teeth. I sucked my thumb until I was 12, which left me with the most crooked teeth you've ever seen. Once I got braces, I got pretty crazy about cleaning them. I brush several times a day. Although I never floss. Isn't that weird?

Done. Now I tag:

CLC, No Swimmers, Kristi, Aunt Becky, Busted, and Katie

I don't always comment, so some of you probably don't even know I am a regular reader of your blogs. But I'm watching you. :)

I've Impressed Myself

Emotionally I have really healed. How do I know? Because when I hear someon announce their pregnancy, I no longer feel any twinges of jealousy. Instead I truely, deeply feel happy for them. Especially if it is someone who has suffered a loss or struggled with infertility. I really feel their joy. It's been a long time since I've been able to share in that.

Today I had to go to a friends house. It's only the second time I've seen her baby girl. We were pregnant at the same time, and we were excited because we were both having girls. When I heard her baby was born a few months ago I was heartbroken. Today, when I saw her it didn't even occur to me to be sad. I smiled at her, and actually enjoyed her.

And I meant it.

That is a big deal. For those of you who've suffered a loss, you know how painful it is to be around pregnant ladies or newborns. For me it was physically painful. I haven't felt that pain in quite some time.

I'm glad it's gone.

I'm really proud of how far I've come.

The keeper of the Elephant in the Room

My husband's cousin R is one of my closest friends. She called me last night to tell me that her sister (obviously also my husband's cousin) has stage two beast cancer. She goes in next friday for a mastectomy. Obvioulsy R is very upset. I was talking to her about it today and she was telling me how she doesn't want to keep bringing it up to her sister because she doesn't want to upset her. How the family has to be strong for her. How they can't break down in tears in front of her.

In the back of my mind I'm screaming "NO!". Although I've never had cancer, I have been the keeper of the Elephant in the Room. I know what it's like to have sometime constantly on your mind, and how it hurts to not have anyone mention it. How you feel alone because you think everyone has forgotten. How angry you get because it's the most important event in your life right now, and no one seems to even care! It feels like crap.

I told R that cancer is the only thing that's going to be on her sisters mind for the next few weeks. I told her that it's OK to cry in front of her, because maybe she feels like crying in front of them but is afraid to upset THEM! They should bring it up, because she is thinking about it, and if they talk about it she will be relieved. It will give her a chance to express her feelings. It will let her know they care. Talking about it is the one way to help her sister through this.

The thing I hated the most after my loss was the way people tip-toed around me. They didn't want to bring it up, they didn't want to upset me. It was awfu because I had just been through the most horrible experience of my life, and people were acting like I had the plague! I literally had people who avoided me at the grovery store! I will never do that to anyone. I'm sure I've done it in the past, but I will never do it again.

It's the same thing with this. I assure you, cancer is the only that will be on her mind. Don't ignore it. Talk about it with her. It's probably the kindest thing you can do for her.

The elephant has left the room!

Please keep R's sister in your thoughts and prayers these next few weeks. She could really use it.

Please Tell Me This Is Not True

Would someone please tell me this is not true. Please tell me that this is exaggerated, or that facts have been left out. Because if not, it scares me.

http://www.youtube.com/v/VIdbYjmbFzo&color1=11645361&color2=13619151&hl=en&fs=1

I Have Changed

I have changed these last few months. I found out I was pregnant on December 21st. The day after my birthday. I am not the same person I was on my last birthday. I have changed a lot since then. Even if I had given birth to a live baby I would not have been the same person. I would have changed in different ways, but I would still be a different person than I was then. That day was life-changing. I will never be the same as I was the day before that. Never.

I've changed in some ways for the worse. I'm not as naive as I once was. I now realize how often babies die. I also now, truly, realize what it means to loose someone you so wholly love. I know how devastating it is.

But I've also changed for the better. At least I feel it's for the better. I am much more compassionate now. I can't ever remember buying a sympathy card for someone. Now I realize how important that small gesture can be. I have bought several since Brenna's death. I'm much more grateful now. I realize that my family really is a gift, and I should (and do) cherish them. I've always felt thankful for what I have, but I can't really say that I was grateful. There is a difference, and I never knew it before.

I've also changed in ways that I'm not sure fit into the good or bad category. Before my loss I was largely independent. I loved my husband, but I didn't need him. Now, I depend on him. I do not know how I would go on without him. I lean on him so much. He takes care of me in ways he's never done before. In our 13 years together, I've never relied on him like I do now. I think he likes being needed. I secretly like being babied. The dynamic of our relationship has changed, and I think it is for the better. We really are a team now. I've always loved him, but this loss has brought us together and made our relationship so different. I love him on a whole other level.

My birthday is in a few months, and I keep on wondering how I will feel when it comes. Will I be sad because on my last birthday I was pregnant with my miracle baby? Will it be like everything else has been and the dread is far worse than the actual day? I'm not sure. I have a feeling I will be OK.

I also have a feeling there are going to be a few more lessons learned from this loss.

I just wish I didn't have to loose my baby to learn them.

I AM OK

"You are ok and you will be ok."

My BBC/Blog friend Liz left me that comment a few weeks ago, and I have to tell you. It is exactly what I needed to hear. Maybe it because she said it with such certainty that I felt I have no choice but to make it come true. Maybe it's because she knows something I don't. Maybe it's because it is true.

The truth is, since Brenna has been buried I have felt a sense of closure. I feel like it's over. That chapter is closed, and even though my life will never be the same, and things will always remind me of her, I can move on. I don't have to grieve her to love her. I can be happy but still miss her. I am not betraying her memory by proceeding with my life. She is never far from my mind, but tears do not automatically spring to my eyes when I think of her. I can think of her and smile. I didn't ever think that day would come.

I'm even starting to think about having another baby. One of my childhood friends recently asked me if I thought about having another baby. She told me flat out she thinks I will regret it if I don't at least consider it and talk with my husband about it. I was kind of suprised because we really haven't been that close these past few years, and it was kind of a blunt thing to say. But truthfully, I told her thank you for being honest, because I really appreciate it. I love her bluntness. It's been more than 5 months, and I am really considering weither or not I want to even consider trying for another baby. There are considreable health risks involved, and I would never do anything without the consent of my OB, but I have to do some serious soul searching before I decide anything. I know my family can't take another loss. Also, I don't know if it's fair to have a baby, knowing that it will have to be born 4 to 6 weeks early so that my uterus doesn't stretch so much. And then there is the risk of another rupture. And a hysterectomy. Or dying. It's risky, but I feel that a baby is so worth it.

Time will tell.

In the mean time, thank you Liz for telling me what I needed to hear. I AM OK!

Friends I hate to make.

Deadbabyland is ever growing. Please take a minute to visit my new friend Manda's blog. She just suffered her second loss in a year. Her daughter was born 11 months ago at 31 weeks, and her son was just born last week at 38 weeks. Both stillborn. I really think she could use some words of encouragement. I can't imagine what she is going through. Here is the link Life After Two Losses

I will post more about me later, but right now I'd really appreciate you visiting Manda and helping her through this.

Much Needed Vacation

I'm back.

My due date wasn't the horror show I expected it to be. It wasn't wonderful, but I didn't spend all day curled up in bed. I'm glad we decided to go to the family reunion. It was at a really beautiful spot, and it was a much needed retreat. As I was sitting around the campfire one night, I looked around and realized that there were many people at that fire who were in the same shoes as me at one time in their life. My husband's cousin had a baby girl die before birth for unknown reasons. His other cousin lost two babies due to RH factor. His sister lost her first two babies. Both boys, one died 3 hours after birth because she had pneumonia when he was born and passed it onto him. Her second son, born a year or so later, died of SIDS when he was just weeks old. My husband was a young child at the time, be he remembers both of the boys passing away and how horrible it was for the family. Also two of my husban's nieces suffered early losses as well. Call me crazy, but I think that is a lot of losses for one family to suffer.

Before we left on Friday I really felt like the world was out to get me. I felt like nothing was going my way. I was thinking about weither or not we would have another baby, and I thought to myself, I can't because so much can go wrong. I realized that for the first time in my life, I don't trust God. I've always trusted him to take care of me before, and I realized that I don't trust him anymore. On Thursday things were not going well, and I said to him "You already took my baby from me! Why can't this one thing work out for me!?!" It was not a good feeling. After the weekend (everything went well by the way, it all worked out in the end), before we left for home I was standing by the water looking out. I was there by myself and I just had this moment. I said to Him, "I believe there is a reason. I don't know what it is, so please show me. I really need to know." And I just let it go. I'm not going to be mad about it anymore. I'm not going to be angry. I'm going to let it all go and look for the reason. Because ultimately, no matter what, I still believe that my life is in His hands, and there is a reason for everything that happens to me. I still can't figure out why, but I believe in my heart of hearts I will figure it out. I just hope that day comes soon.

While we were up there, my mom and one of my brothers came up for the day and me, my husband, my son, and my grandson went with them to Mackinac Island (pronounced Mackinaw). It is one of the most beautiful spots in Michigan. You have to take a boat or ferry to get there, and there are no motor vehicles on the boat, so the only way to get around is either bike or horse. (Excuse the way I look in the following pictures. We had been biking, and it was very windy. Also, I am not a wierdo. My shirt says "Why be normal when you can be a (insert surname here), we get them every few years for our family reunion.)

My mom and I also concured The Steps From Hell. These steps were old, steep, and worn. And there were about 300 of them. I didn't think we would get to the top (the boys went the other way around, biked up a STEEP hill and met us up there). We did. It was was worth it.

My stepdaughter and her husband camped with us also. I was so glad that we all got to spend a long weekend together. It really was how I wanted to spend Brenna's weekend. With family. And Happy.

Scenes from Vacation

22 Weeks

It's been exactly 22 weeks since my daughter died. Why did it seem like such a short time she was here, but such a long time she's been gone?

My family and I will be going here for the weekend:

The Upper Peninsula of Michigan. We are having a family reunion. We didn't plan on going because I was supposed to be caring for a newborn right now. This really isn't how I envisioned my summer. We are going to spend time with the family, but I'm skipping the family meeting. They record the births, deaths, and marriages each year. I can not handle the fact that she will be on the birth page, and the death page. It is more than I can bear. I've asked a family member to make sure she gets recorded accurately.

My grandson just handed me his "baby", a stuffed bear he's had since before he was born. As he handed it to me, I got this sick feeling in my stomach. I don't know what it was, maybe it was the way he was cradling it, I don't know, but all I could think is, "This is how small she was". As I took the bear from him, I felt sick. I don't know why it effected me so much, but I just kept starring at that bear and thinking how little Brenna was when she was born. It's sitting next to my PC right now, and everytime I look at it I think of that sick feeling I got.

As I explained in the last post, this week has not been that great. I'm going to take a break from blogging, and I'll be back next week. Don't worry about me. I just need some time to clear my head. As soon as I get done with this, I'm going to visit her grave for the first time since we burried her.

I just need a break from it all.

Shitty Week

Today it is five months since my daughter was born dead.

Friday is my "official" due date.

I think my period is coming.

This week sucks my ass.

Please Lend Your Support

I have two requests for you, my fellow and much loved blogger friends.

Would you please go visit my friend Kristi who is suffering right now, and I think could really use some words of encouragement.

Also, would you please consider visiting/donating to the Second Annual Walk for Mason Patrick Feliciotto which will be taking place in Carmel, NY at 10 am on Sept 28, 2008, together with the March of Dimes. Here is the website http://marchforbabies.org/masonfeliciotto

Thank you so much. My due date is approaching quickly, so far the week hasn't been that horrible, but we will see how it goes. (I did make the mistake of going on babycenter and it told me how pregnant I was. Crap!)

Thank you again. I love you guys more than you know.

Saturday's are for Fun

I got this from The View From This Place who got it from another blogger.
The things I have done are in bold.

Bought everyone in the bar a drink
Swam with wild dolphin
Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
Been inside the Great Pyramid
Held a tarantula
Taken a candle lit bath
Said I love you and meant it
Hugged a Tree
Bungee jumped
Visited Paris
Watched a lightening storm at sea
Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
Seen the Northern Lights
Gone to a huge sports game
Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Grown and eaten your own vegetables
Touched an iceberg
Slept under the stars
Changed a baby’s diaper
Taken a drip in a hot air balloon
Watched a meteor shower
Gotten drunk on champagne
Given more than you can afford to charity
Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
Had a food fight
Bet on a winning horse
Asked out a stranger
Had a snowball fight
Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
Held a lamb
Seen a total eclipse
Ridden a rollercoaster
Hit a home run
Danced like a fool, not caring who watched
Adopted an accent for an entire day
Actually felt happy about your life, even for a moment
Had two hard drives for your computer
Visited all 50 states
Taken care of someone who was too drunk
Had amazing Friends
Danced with a Stranger in a foreign country
Watched wild whales
Stolen a sign
Hitchhiked in Europe
Taken a road-trip
Gone rock climbing
Midnight walk on the beach
Gone sky diving
Visited Ireland
Been heartbroken longer than you were in love
In a restaurant sat at a stranger’s table and ate with them
Visited Japan
Milked a cow
Alphabetized your CDs
Pretended to be a superhero
Sung karaoke
Lounged around in bed all day
Posed nude in front of strangers- just kidding
Gone scuba diving
Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud
Played in the rain
Gone to a drive-in theater
Visited the Great Wall of China
Started a business
Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
Toured ancient sites
Taken a martial arts class
Played a computer game for more than 6 hours straight
Gotten married
Been in a movie
Crashed a party
Gotten divorced
Gone without food for 5 days
Made cookies from scratch
Won first prize in a costume contest
Ridden a gondola in Venice
Gotten a tattoo
Rafted the Snake River
Been on television news program as an “expert”
Got flowers for no reason
Performed on a stage
Been to Las Vegas
Recorded Music
Eaten shark
Had a one-night stand
Gone to Thailand
Bought a house
Been in a combat zone
Buried one/both of your parents
Been on a cruise ship
Spoken more than one language fluently
Performed in Rocky Horror
Raised Children
Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
Picked up and moved to another city
Walked on the Golden Gate Bridge
Sang loudly in the car and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
Had plastic surgery
Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have
Wrote articles for a large publication
Lost over 100 lbs
Held someone while they were having a flashback
Piloted an airplane
Petted a stingray
Broken someone’s heart
Helped an animal give birth
Won money on a TV game show
Broken a bone
Gone on an African safari
Had a body part below the neck pierced
Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
Eaten mushrooms gathered in the wild
Ridden a horse
Had major surgery
Had a snake as a pet
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon (OK not ALL the way to the bottom. It was far, but I did hike there)
Slept for more than 30 hours over 48 consecutive hours
Visited more foreign countries than US States
Visited all 7 continents
Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
Eaten Kangaroo meat
Eaten sushi
Had your picture in the paper
Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
Gone back to school
Parasailed
Petted a cockroach
Eaten fried green tomatoes
Read the Illiad
Selected one important author who you missed school to read
Killed and prepared an animal for eating
Skipped all of your school reunions
Communicated with someone without sharing a common language
Been elected to public office
Written your own computer language
Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
Had to put someone you love in hospice care
Build your own PC from parts
Sold your own artwork to someone that didn’t know it was yours
Had a booth in a street fair
Dyed your hair
Been a DJ
Shaved your head
Caused a car accident
Saved someone’s life

What have you done?

My daughter was a STILLBORN!

I went with my husband to bury the baby yesterday. It was not as bad as I thought it would be. My husband cried like a baby. I didn't shed a tear.

I am a freak of nature.

Anyway, the man from the funeral home gave us some papers. When I got home I opened an envelope, and there it was. I don't even remember signing this when I was in the hospital. I must have because my signature was on it. Certificate of Still Birth.I must have taken that paper out 100 times and read it. I don't know why it even matters to me. I know that I have said it on this blog before, but I hated it when my loss was referred to as a miscarriage. For some reason it made me feel like I shouldn't be as sad because she wasn't a real baby. The term stillbirth implies that she was born, therefore it's ok to mourn her as I have. I know that is probably not the case, but that is how I feel. It was just so important to me to know that she was born, that she existed, and to have it recognized means so much to me. It's like a huge weight has been lifted from me. I don't know why it's so important, but it is.

Also, I was reading the stuff from the funeral home, and where it asks for the decease's age he wrote fetus. It broke my heart.