Tuesday, April 5, 2011


My parents were divorced when I was in kindergarten. I still remember my mom telling me they weren't going to be married anymore. It didn't really change anything for me because they had lived separately for most of my life. I remember not understanding how divorced was different from married.

I got married when I was 21. By that time we already had a son together and we'd been living together for three years. I told my future husband I was only going to get married once. If we got married we were going to make it work, not matter what. He had been married once before, he had went through a divorce and had no desire to go through one again.

I loved him when I got married. As much as my 21 year old heart could. I think our ability to love and really appreciate those in our life gets greater as we get older. When we are 21 we know what love is, we just don't know how deep love can be.

My husband was 37 when we got married. He had a 12 year old daughter who had lost her mother a few years before. There was a lot of baggage that I didn't exactly know how to handle. But I was willing to take it on, for him. Besides, I had a lot of my own shit that he had to deal with.

Our marriage has not always been perfect. There have been some very rough patches. There have been times I've hated him; wondered why we ever got married. There have been times I've looked for apartments. Once I packed to leave. But in the end we always worked it out. We love each other. We are together because we want to be.

These days our marriage is the best it's ever been. I love my husband with my whole heart. He is my partner. We are a team. I know it sounds so cheesy, but it's true. I could not imagine being without him. We do everything together. He is the first person I think of in the morning and the last person I think of at night.

That is what I want for my children. I want them to be with someone who cherishes them. Who sees how wonderful they are. Who loves them even though they aren't perfect.

My step-daughter was married three years ago. I thought she had found that in her husband.

Last week they decided to get a divorce. Although I knew their marriage wasn't perfect, I was still blindsided because I know they love each other. They seemed to be working on it. Their marriage is so young, it seems a shame to stop working on it now. Especially when they still love each other. I think the problem today is everyone thinks marriages should just be good. They don't realize that you have to work at them. It take a lot of time and energy to build a marriage.

Great marriages don't just happen. They are made.

As I sit and type this their wedding photo is facing me. At the bottom of the picture frame is says "MEANT TO BE".

We shall see...

This post is part of the A to Z Challenge.


Rae said...

Good for you for working things out! I'm not married, but when my time comes, I only plan to do it once. My parents, high school sweethearts, have been married for almost 34 years (this Sunday, in fact, is their anniversary) and have been together longer than that. I have a great example when it comes to marraige. They've had their ups and downs...& there have been times I thought for sure they'd get divorced, but they ALWAYS worked it out. And they're still in love!

Matt Conlon said...

Marriage is definitely a choice we make over and over.

Great post, and your blog is beautiful! :)

Matt Conlon dot com
Matt's Brew Log

Funsize said...

"There have been some very rough patches. There have been times I've hated him; wondered why we ever got married." Thank you for posting this- I have felt this way and always felt it wasn't normal to feel like this. I feel more normal knowing that other people have gone through this phase in their marriage. I'm glad you and your hubby are still together!


B's Mom said...

@Funsize- The best advice I heard when I was first married was that sometimes you aren't going to get along. Sometimes you're not even going to like each other. It's normal. As long as those times are short lived, and as long as there are more good times than bad- you're doing OK. Marriage isn't all sunshine and rainbows.

The Superintendent's Wife said...

I heard it put this way: Love is not a feeling, but a verb. It is an action that we take, even when it is hard and we don't particularly want to.