Saturday, May 30, 2009
But none of that was the reason I notice that woman.
As she was sitting on the steps directly in front of me, she was watching the toddlers get into the pool. A look crossed her face. It's a look I know well. It was a look of pain, and sadness. A look of what should have been. I knew instantly that this woman had struggled with infertility. It was obvious. Once her husband brought her the baby it became even more clear.
CLC touched on this in her blog also.
We all have stories.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
I don't know the right way to say it.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Take a look at the food below. The first one is the portion 20 years ago, and the second is the portion now. Yikes!
Bagles used to be 3 inches in diameter. Now they are 6!
A turkey sandwich used to be 320 calories. Now it's more than 800!
A cheeseburger used to be 333 calores. Now it's 590!
This one pains me the most. I love pasta. Spaghetti and meatballs used to be 500 calories. Now it's more than 1,000 (and that includes TWO CUPS of sauce)!
To hear it said is suprising, but to see a picture is shocking. I'm going to think twice about "cleaning my plate" from now on.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Just for fun here is MckMama's Not Me Monday:
I did not have to give my wonderful dog a bath because she
ate rolled in poop. This did not happen a day after spending $30 getting her groomed.
I do not suck at giving dogs baths. My dog does not look pathetic right now.
I did not get a certain amount of joy when my husband had a breakdown this morning over not being able to keep track of B's school activities. I did not point out I've been doing it for 12 years, not to mention the many years with Step-Daughter, and that he's only been doing in for 4 months.
He did not get really mad about that.
I did not secretly smile, knowing he's gaining a full appreciation for what I've done the last 12 years.
I do not think karma is a bitch!
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Today is the second year I've celebrated Mother's Day without all of my children. Every year for the rest of my life I will celebrate without her. I know that. I'm prepared for it. But I still wish it was different. The day was actually great for me. I slept in. We met at my mom's house and the men cooked (for the most part). A family friend brought her baby over today. We were pregnant at the same time, and he was born a few weeks after I was due with Brenna. Today was the first day I held him. It wasn't horrible. In fact, it was nice. He's adorable. I'd be lying if I didn't tell you I thought once or twice about how different it would be if she was here. The hardest part for me was watching my own mother hold him and love on him. I so wanted to give that to her. But I am so eternally thankful for the son I have here with me. He is my world, without a doubt.
I know my mom feels the same way.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
I just don't know what to do.
Edited to add: I think I'm being a little nutty. Thanks for the input. I know that it wasn't a mauling, butany animal bite is serious. Especially to a child. They had to call an ambulance and he did need stitches. Only a few, and there won't be a scar, but it's still scarry. We live on 20 acres and she has always have free reign when we were home. We bring her in or tie her up when we leave because she is territorial. We are going to install a fenced in area for her. It will make me feel much better. But I am never going to trust her around small children again.
Monday, May 4, 2009
I hear people who've lost someone say that they never believed in God, but they prayed anyway. Their prayer wasn't answered so that only reinforced the fact for them that God didn't exist. I always wonder: if they had got what they wanted would they have given God the credit?
I also hear people who say they can't believe in God, because if there was one why would He let these bad things happen. This is a tough one for me. I do not know the answer. I often wonder why. I'm still waiting for the answer. The truth is I do not know.
I'm going to tell you something I haven't told anyone. Not even my husband. Many times over the past year I've feared that Brenna was taken from me as punishment. I've thought that God took her because I didn't deserve her. In the beginning of my pregnancy I had some bleeding. Then the nurse at the doctors office read my results wrong and told me my numbers were going down (indicating a miscarriage) when in fact they were going up! So, for a few days I wasn't sure what was going on. At one point I couln't take it anymore, and I said that if I was going to have a miscarriage I wanted it to get over with. I was upset about it, but I remember thinking "At least I'll be able to drink at Jenna's (my step-daughter's) wedding" which was a few months away. Of course I was not having a miscarriage, and I was pregnant at Jenna's wedding.
A week later my utuerus ruptured.
I've thought about that many times over the last year. Was Brenna's death my punishment for being disappointed that everyone else got to drink and I had to be the DD? Did God take her from me because I don't deserve her?
Today at the grocery store I saw the saddest little girl I've ever seen. She was about 10 years old, and she was with her mother and mother's friend. The whole time they were shopping (I saw them a few times) they two women never acknowledged the little girl. They walked in front of her talking and carrying on while the little girl followed them pushing the cart. The look on her face was heartbreaking. She was miserable. I wondered what her mother must have done to deserve to be blessed with her. Which got me thinking about all the other terrible mothers I know, and what they must have done to have been blessed with their babies.
Then it dawned on me.
Babies aren't prizes.
God doesn't hand them out because we've been good. He doesn't take them away because we've been bad.
They are a blessing for sure. But a blessing isn't a reward. It's a gift.
I don't have all the answers. I'm not going to pretend that I do. I still don't know why Brenna wasn't born alive. Why wasn't she born a few weeks later when she would have had a fighting chance? I don't know.
What I do know is that I was blessed to have her, even if it was for only a short time. And I thank God for her.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
I would need to post 100 posts to tell you the whole story of my parents. It's long and complicated at times. I'll just say that we all survived my teenage years, and (luckily!) we still like each other. Actually, we love each other.
Yes, that is little me in the pictures below.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
I was talking with a new co-worker and she was telling me about a hospital experience she had. "Turns out I was having a miscarriage" she said, and a look crossed her face that let me know it was still painful to talk about. Even 15 years later.
Last week we were talking again, and I told her that I had recieved a blood transfusion last year. She asked me if I minded her asking why. I told her to whole story. She was very sorry, and then shared with me that her miscarriage was a second trimester loss, and that she and her husband struggled with infertility for almost 5 years before having their son. I instantly felt a connection with her.
I also learned that another co-worker recently lost an infant daughter to SIDS.
Our company is pretty small. It suprised me that there were so many members of our sad little group, and I didn't even know it.
I guess you just never know. It's not like we wear a badge or anything.