BUSY, BUSY, BUSY!

I chair a local festival, and it's happening this weekend. I am busier than you can imagine. I'm also feeling like crap, so it's making for a very loooong weekend. I have lots of things I want to share on here, I just can't seem to find the time to write them!

FOR MY HUBBY

So my husband read this post and thought some things were about him, and they weren't. So here are 10 14 Things I Wish I Would Say To My Husband But Haven't.



1. You are one of my most favorite people in the world.

2. I have never loved anyone like I love you, and I can't imagine that I ever would.

3. Sometimes you are a slob, and it really pisses me off.

4. I hate how you fold laundry. I wish you'd just wash dishes instead.

5. If I come home to find 10 loads of unfolded laundry laying on our bed (again!) I will hurt you.

6. Thanks for never saying anything about me gaining weight.

7. Sometimes I really don't treat you well, and then I get pissed at myself for it.

8. I love the way I laugh when I'm with you. It's a laugh that only you bring out of me, and I love that.

9. I'd rather go out with you than the girls. I have fun with you. I know some of my friends are jealous of that- and I like it that way!

10. When I first met you I never thought we'd date let alone get married!

11. I know that because of our age difference I will probably live a significant portion of my "golden years" without you. It makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it.

12. You are the one person in this world who has the ability to crush me beyond repair.

13. Losing a child brought us closer together. I didn't even know that was possible.

14. You still give me butterflies.

I'M STILL HERE

I just don't have anything to say lately. Instead, I will distract you will baby pictures!

A week and a half ago I went in to feed Brendan's chinchillas and I discovered the girl had a baby. I had no idea she was pregnant since she hasn't been with a male since she gave birth in March. Back then I seperated them right away like you are supposed to, but I guess I didn't do it fast enough because she popped out TWINS! They are so adorable. They are both small, but one is freakishly small. Of course, he's Brendan's favorite.

We're considering all names if you have any ideas.

MISS RILEY

Let me take a minute from my whine-fest to welcome Riley Grace to the world. After suffering two consecutive losses, her parents finally brought home their little girl. Take a minute to see how cute she is. Congrats to Mrs. Muelly (and Mr. Muelly too!).

THANK YOU, UNIVERSE

My son's been going to swimming lessons for the last five weeks. Today his instructor and I had this conversation:

Her: "It's funny. My name is almost like his. B-R-E-N-N-A. Brenna."

Me: Awkward silence where I try to appear normal.

Not quite a conversation, but painful as all hell.

Que tears that I fight off for the rest of the hour.

Couple that with the adorable little girl with blond ringlets and a pink bathing suit that I had to walk behind for five minutes out to the car and you have got yourself one very. shitty. day.

DEADBABYLAND SUCKS

I don't know why, but tonight I just can't stop crying. I'm hating envious of all the pregnant people I know IRL. Most days I'm OK with not having another baby, but some days (like today) I want nothing more.

I can't imagine living the rest of my life feeling this way.

FAMILY

When my uterus ruptured it was obviously a very serious medical emergency. I tend to be a mother hen, and even in the condition I was in, I was still worried about how my family members would take the news. Would they be OK?

My grandma was in the hosptial at the time with a heart problem. We were all worried that the news would (seriously) kill her. My mom waited a day to tell her, and then told her before she got discharged from the hospital because she was worried the news would make Grandma panic, and possibly cause her complications. Of course she was upset. We've always been close, and she was so excited to be having another great-grandbaby. (I never told her we planned on giving Brenna the middle name Louise, which is Grandma's middle name.) She took the news better than we expected, and she called me at the hospital. I was 50 miles away, so she couldn't come see me, but once she knew I was OK she felt better.

One of the other people I worried about was my youngest brother. He is a lot younger than I am, so I have always considered myself a second mom to him. I knew that this was going to affect him deeply. He worked third shift and couldn't come see me until Friday. He spent almost the whole day at the hospital. I could tell that he was very concerned, and that he was really hurting. He is very close with my son, and I knew that he was really excited about me having another baby. I also guessed that he was feeling guilty (even though he shouldn't have) because a few days before he had told me that he hoped I didn't have a girl because he wanted another nephew. Then she died, and you don't have to be Einstein to know that he was thinking about what he said to me. I showed her picture to him, and we talked about her, but really there wasn't anything I could do to make him feel better.

I was worried about him when he left. He has a history of drinking too much when he is in pain. When he said that he was going out that night I had a terrible feeling. It was confirmed the next day. I went home on Saturday. I can't remember if my mom told me Saturday or Sunday, but she called me and said, "I don't want to tell you this, but I know you'll be mad if I don't. J is in jail." I knew right away it was because he had gotten drunk the night before. I just knew it.

I won't go into details, but I will tell you he ended up getting tasered. He was on probation for a year and had to take alcohol classes and got to AA. It wasn't until nine months later that he finally admitted to me that at least part of the reason he drank so much that night was because he couldn't stop thinking about me dying. He had to go before the judge, and he was honest and told the judge what happened to me and that he didn't think he handled his feelings in the right way.

He's off probation now. He also has stopped drinking. I was suprised that he didn't even drink one beer on the 4th of July. (He even took my son home with him so JJ and I could go out!) He said it's just not worth it, and that he's found that when he's upset all it does is make things worse. I was really proud of him because I know how hard it's been for him. Especially in a family when no one else has a problem with alcohol. (He has a different biological father, and I honestly think it's genetic. There is alcoholism in that side of the family.) I know it's not an easy thing to admit to, and it's an even harder thing to do.

I like to think of that as at least one positive thing that's happened because of Brenna.

10 THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY

10 Things I wish I could say to people, but don't. I'm not going to tell you who the person is, just want I want to say.

1. I know, and I don't care. I understand why you did it, and I wish you would know that you can tell me. The only reason I don't bring it up is because I don't want to hurt you.

2. I think you are a bitch, and I don't trust you at all.

3. I worry that you aren't going to go to heaven.

4. I'm proud of our relationship. I consider it one of my greatest accomplishments.

5. I'm afraid to live my life without you.

6. Your breath stinks. All the time.

7. I still love you. I'm afraid I always will.

8. I'm afraid that something I've done (or will do) will screw you up forever.

9. You are one of the nicest people I've ever met. Now, stop letting people take advantage of you!!!!

10. I am embarassed to know you.

OK. Now it's your turn!

NOW THAT HE'S DEAD IT'S OK TO LOVE HIM

If you know me IRL you know that I tend to have many opinions. I usually keep them to myself unless you ask, or unless the situation requires my intervention.

This whole Michael Jackson thing is one of those time I just can't keep my opinions to myself. I've tried. Let's face it, it's really none of my business, and I don't know him. All I know is what I read or see on TV (which has been A LOT these days).

I can't help but feel that since his death MJ has been turned into some sort of saint. It really bothers me that the same people who had convicted him in the media five years ago, are now singing his praises and crying for him on TV.

I'm not going to debate whether he was a child molester. The truth is I don't know- and neither do any of you. None of us were there. The crap you see on TV isn't enough to form an educated opinion on. (Although there are many things that make me wonder.)

All I do know is that MJ had a tragic life. I have no doubt that he was an abused child who didn't get a childhood. (His father used his death as a tool to promote a record lable! How sad.) I have no doubt that this damaged him in some way. He obviously had issues. It is not normal for a 44 year old man to sleep in the same bed as children and call it "charming". I don't care who you are- that is not normal.

But he did not live a normal life. He surrounded himself with people who would never tell him no. He could have whatever he wanted in this world, and there was never anyone to tell him it was wrong, or too much, or abnormal. He wanted a moneky, he got one. He wanted kids, he (in my opinion) bought them. I really think that he did not understand the normal boundaries that you and I understand.

I also think that he had a soft heart. I think he felt sorry for people who were less fortunate than he was. I truly feel that he did some wonderful things with his money. He knew what it was like to be abused. I think he connected with children who had suffered like he did. I do not think he knew how to be an adult. He was very child-like.

Would I trust him to be around my children?

Never.

Because I just don't know.

What I do know is that he lived the last 45 years under a microscope. He lived with abuse and ridicule that none of us could ever imagine. We salivated over stories of his strange life, and plastic surgery. We laughed at and mocked him. Even the birth of his children came under ridicule.

I don't think any of us could endure this and come out "normal".

I did not watch his memorial service. The only part I saw was his poor daughter Paris. Watching that made me realize that Michael Jackson was not just some weirdo we could laugh at. His children's life will never be the same. I couldn't help but think that if the stories are true, they are better off without him. My heart literally breaks for those children. Seeing his daughter break down, and the two boys in the background... the look on his youngest son's face brought tears to my eyes.

What didn't bring tears to my eyes is all the "celebrities" who stood up there and professed their love of MJ. These were the same people who avoided him like the plague just a few years ago. Now that he is dead, it's OK to love him again.

There is no doubt that Michael Jackson was a very talented man. I can't imagine what MTV would be like if it weren't for the Thriller video. He made a lasting impact on this world.

Not many people can say that.

Now, let's let Michael Jackson rest in peace, and focus our energy on some people who deserve it.

HAPPY 4th OF JULY

LET'S NOT REPEAT

I really don't want to have a repeat of last year where I drank too much and then cried all the way home after the fireworks. I don't understand why I was crying either, because that was one of the funnest nights in my life. Seriously, I still look at those pictures and laugh. We just had a ton of fun that night. I think it was the coming home part. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to go back to my life. I was tired of being sad, and if you mix sad and alcohol... watch out. I am not a sad drunk, I am not a crier. It was very unusual for me, and I don't plan on repeating it. This year I just feel different. I'm happy. I have things I am looking forward too. Last year, I couldn't say that. I'm not even close to the person I was this time last year. I feel like the old me. I laugh all the time. I enjoy life. I am happy. I still think of Brenna every single day. Usually many times a day. But thinking of her doesn't immediately make me want to cry. I have just accepted it as part of my life. As part of me. I can not change it.

I don't think I would want to anyway.

Have a SAFE Fourth Of July.

WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT

Last month one of my clients had a baby and I sent her a flower/plant to her office to congratulate her. Today I received a thank you note in the mail. It said thank you and went on to say how every time she looks at the plant she thinks of how lucky she is to have this little bundle of joy in her life, how in love they are, and how adorable the baby is. I was surprised by how much that note bothered me. It didn't bother me at all when she had the baby. It didn't bother me to go pick out a gift. I didn't think twice about it. I don't know if it was because I wasn't expecting it... For whatever reason that card made me feel sick to my stomach.

Just when I think I am OK, something happens that makes me realize I will never be over the loss of my daughter. I will always feel a twinge of pain every time I hear the words "dead baby". I think that as long as I live, I will keep having these little surprise twinges of pain.

I guess that's just one of the perks of being a deadbabymom.