Today was crazy hair day at my son's school. Last year on Crazy Hair Day, I had to tell him the news. I remember him being so excited because he had so much fun at school that day. My mom had done his hair all spikey and colored it. He couldn't wait to show me. I remember how happy he was. I wrote this when in my first post on this blog:
"I had to tell my son what happened, and that was the hardest part for me. He's almost 11, but has never really had to deal with death before. I made sure we were alone in the hospital room, and then said I had to tell him something. He smiled at me and said, "You know if it's a boy or a girl don't you?" My heart broke because I knew his life was never going to be the same after I told him. He cried, which broke my heart. I cried, which broke his."
Telling my son was, and still is, the worst part of loosing Brenna. As much as my heart breaks from loosing her, it is broken into a million more pieces everytime I think of the smile on his face when he said, "You know if it's a boy or a girl don't you?" I literally felt like dying. I knew his life was going to change forever.
I have been thinking about Crazy Hair Day all day. I wonder if it will ever be the same for us again.
I started this blog in 2008 after the stillbirth of my daughter. Now it's not just about loss, but about life.
3 comments:
Big hugs to you. Telling Tessa was one of the hardest things we had to do. I'll never forget it. She was at my aunt's house like always, and it was the day we received the test results from the amnio. We told her then that Jenna had died, because I knew we were going to say goodbye early. When that didn't work out like we had planned, I had to tell her that Jenna was just sick right now, but was going to die. How do you tell a five year old that? I'm still not sure how I did it, but I did. She still asks me if we have another baby, will it be sick, too? I think she's just as paranoid as I am.
How is your son holding up with the anniversary of the day?
He hasn't said one word about her birthday. He used to ask me if he had to go to school on March 5th. Now that it's so close he hasn't said anything about it. He has a fieldtrip on the 5th which I think is making him want to go to school. Today was a crazy busy day and we really didn't get any time alone. Once we do I am going to ask him if he wants to go to school. I'm not going to make him if he doesn't want to.
I wouldn't make him go either. Tessa was too young to remember the day, but she does ask me stuff like when Jenna's birthday is and what her birthstone is. I hope if he goes on the field trip it takes his mind off it all.
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