Now that we've passed the one year mark, of course baby-making has been on my mind. But, the truth is I have not given it serious consideration. After loosing my baby I desperately wanted another baby. Everyone who looses a baby says that they don't want another baby to replace the one they lost. I have to be honest and tell you that I wanted another baby because I thought that was the only thing that would fill the hole in my heart. Not necessarily to replace Brenna, but to fill the gap that was left in my life. I had plans for her, dreams. There were things I envisioned myself doing with her. I wanted to do those things. If I couldn't do them with her, then the only way to make those dreams come true was to have another baby. Loosing a baby leaves an indescribably emptiness in your soul. I am serious when I say that. I literally felt empty. I thought the only way to feel whole again was to have another baby. I'm not sure about that anymore.
The truth is I like my life. I am blessed with a son, a step-daughter, a grandson, and a husband (not to mention a sister and four brothers who I'm very close to!). My life is full. I have a job that I love. I have an active social life. I like how things are. My son is at the age where he doesn't want us around all the time, and he likes to be with his friends more. At first that was hard to swallow, but I now realize it gives my husband and I much more alone time together. It's like when we first started dating. Spending all day together. Holding hand when we drive. Shopping together. (It's getting sickening, right?) I like it. We are closer now then we have ever been. Without a doubt. Part of me is afraid of messing that up. What if we have a baby? What if something is wrong with it? What if something happens to me? There are just so many what-ifs that I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of messing up what I have right now.
We don't have long to make a decision. My husband is not getting any younger, (OK, neither am I!).
I started this blog in 2008 after the stillbirth of my daughter. Now it's not just about loss, but about life.
2 comments:
I can't imagine the spot your in right now.
I can see how you have lots of tough decisions ahead of you.
I have prayers going your way that whatever you and your husband decides will only bring more good and happiness than you ever could have imagined.
I think your honesty about the baby debate is great. A baby changes every aspect of your life, and if you're comfort with your life where it is then I can see why you wouldn't want to rock the boat.
I'll be praying for you that you are led to the right decision
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