Wednesday, June 3, 2009

I'M A CRAPPY DEADBABYMAMA

I have a confession to make. I am a shitty deadbabymama. I am embarassed to tell you that I have not been a very good mom to Brenna. I rarely go to her grave. In fact, I just went there for this first time this year. The last time I was there was, I think, October. I just hate going there- being there means it's real, and I like to pretend it's not real. I think of her daily, but the longer it's been since she died, the longer I think of her in an abstract sense. I never say her name, calling her The Baby instead. When someone does say her name it's like a shot in the gut to me. My son has never been to her grave. I've only went there once with my husband, and that was the day we burried her. Today when I went I immediatly looked away. Like turning my head made it not real. I remember doing the same thing in the hospital when the nurse tried to show me a picture of her. I am so embarassed to tell you this, but she still doesn't have a headstone. I just don't want to face it. I've looked online, and I know what I want, but I just can't get myself to go and buy one. I feel like the worst mother in the world. It is my job to honor her, and I am failing at that. If it wasn't for the things my mother bought her, she would have an unmarked grave. Holy shit, I am really feeling horrible now. I feel like I am doing great, but I'm not so sure. I don't know if it's healthy to be in this much denial.

10 comments:

Funsize said...

Perhaps you don't need a tradtional headstone. It's too painful, for us to remember, and for us to tell the world.

My mother in law is doing a memorial garden for my son. She's planted some of the flowers we had at my son's funeral, and we've been looking for a good marker stone. I thought maybe you like some of these:

http://www.thecomfortcompany.net/11276sleepingbabyinangelswings.aspx

http://www.thecomfortcompany.net/532thosewehaveheldinourarmsforalittlewhileweholdinourheartsforever.aspx

Candice said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you are mustering the courage to order something for her. For now he grave is beautifully marked.

I can totally see how avoiding that task would make it easier to pretend it's not real. I'm sorry, it must be so hard.

HUGS!!

JenJen said...

Holli,

You are not a shitty dbm, its hard to be where we are in life, and there isn't a correct way to do things. Everyone knows you love Brenna as much as you love your other children.

To be completely honest the reason why Chuck and I both want to be cremated, therefore the reason why we had Lily cremated was that we didn't want to worry about keeping a grave clean or buying a headstone. Those things are tough. Lily's urn is in our bedroom. I walk past her urn everyday, and occasionally dust her urn off.

Be gentle on yourself because you are a good mommy.

Brendan and Brenna's Mom said...

I checked out the links and I love the baby sleeping in the angel wings. Just love it. I think that I am going to order one for myself and one for my mom.

Jen, my husband wanted to have her cremated. I didn't. Both of his parents have passed so I was aware what was involved taking care of a grave. I just had no idea how painful it would be. I'm beginning to wish we would have cremated her. But, on the other hand, it brings me comfort to know that I will be burried between her and my husband.

CLC said...

You are not an awful dbm. Sometimes it just takes a while to face certain things. So you haven't gotten a headstone yet. You will and it will be beautiful. She knows how much you love her regardless of the stone or not.

Lindsay said...

I'm a crappy dead baby momma too. I wish I would have had Zoe-Beth creamated as well. I think of her alone, and cold. I hate it. Like you, I will be buried beside her.
I think we do the best we can. This certainly wasn't something we planned for, and no one wrote a manual.
Don't feel guilty. She is with you in your heart and soul.
Thinking of you with love, Lindsay

Mirna said...

We don't judge you at all so why should you be so hard on yourself dear Holli? Everybody works through their pain differently. At first visiting his grave was a huge emotional outlet to me. It comforted me although I was well aware that he's not there. It has been years since I visited his grave and I'm ok with it now. Give yourself time Mate - how about some TLC? A beeeg hug for you. (I am sure you are a fantastic mom!) :)

cocokrispybeans said...

Holli -

I haven't been where you are, so I can't pretend to totally understand.

However, I did want to say that grief is a funny, tricky and awful yet necessary thing that has its own timetable and manifests itself differently for everyone. Please don't feel like you're failing some kind of test. There's no right or wrong way to grieve.

FWIW, I don't think you're a bad mommy to your sweet angel at all.

Thinking of you.
Coco

Sissy Extraordinaire said...

Wow. I was feeling OK about not visiting my son's gravesite. UNTIL I read about parents being buried beside their baby. If anyone's a shit, it's me, right here. I've not been to see him in years. More then 2, less than 5. I can't be buried anywhere remotely near him because he's in the 'baby' section of the cemetery. Now I feel empty, selfish, and sick to my stomach. At least you thought enough to plan ahead. I've allowed my baby to be placed forever alone. My ONLY solace is that he's not 'there', he's with our Father and I'll see him again one day.
The point I was going to make before the ramble was this; do not be so hard on yourself. If and when you feel up to doing something, you will. Sometimes it takes a little while before we can stop grieving long enough to think clearly and breathe. You're doing great.

Heather said...

Greif is weird. Everyone does it differently. I have not been where you are and I pray for you and your loss.

I love the cross with the flowers on it. It is beautiful just like little tiny Brenna is. When you get to a place in your life where you are comfortable enough to get a marker, do it. Until then, know that people won't judge you for not being in a place where you can do that yet. You will get there. Brenna knows that you are her momma and that you love her no matter if there is a headstone or not.

Don't be too hard on yourself. My love and prayers go to you.