WHY HAVE I CHANGED SO MUCH?

I think back to myself a year ago and I don't even recognize myself now. Never did I think I would be where I am now. I could not even imagine this life for myself. A year ago I could not see anything positive for my life. I had just started to drive again this time last year. I still had strict limitations. I couldn't life anything. I couldn't drive. I was still in pain. Outside I looked pretty good. Inside was a battle.

I honestly do not know how I got here. I don't know what the magic words are, or what happened to bring me out of it. If I knew I would tell you. All I know is that I am in a place now that I never imagined I would be. I feel, dare I say, hopeful. I feel like my future is bright. I'm still unsure if that future includes a new baby, but we will see.

FRIENDS YOU DON'T KNOW YOU HAVE

I received a message from someone on babycenter, someone I don't really know. She went to Capitol Hill to lobby for Stillbirth awareness. She had seen Brenna's page in the First Candle memorial book, mentioned that she "knew" me, and they asked her if she would take a copy for me. She contacted me to find out my address so she could mail it to me. I had no idea that they were making copies for parents. I didn't know that I would be able to see her page. Just the thought that someone that I don't even know would go out of their way to make sure I get to see my daugter's memorial page is too touching for words. It means so much to me.

Mominterrupted, if you are reading, thank you.

HAPPY BLOGOVERSARY TO ME!

Today is my first blogoversary. Three weeks and one day after we lost Brenna I started this blog. I think back to one year ago, and it seems like another lifetime. And it seems like just yesterday. I think to the time I started this blog. I remember trying to picture the future and I just couldn't. I had no hope. I had nothing to look forward to. It was, without a doubt, the worst time of my life. I have come a long way since then. My life is not even close to what I thought it would be. I am happy with my life right now. Truth be told, I've even come to accept that Brenna is not a (living) part of my life. I think I will always wonder why her life was so short, but I've come to accept the fact that it was. I've learned to cherish the memories and pictures that I have of her, and not dwell on the fact that there are only a few. I like to think that I know where my life is going, but in reality I have no idea. Getting pregnant, loosing a child, almost dying, each of those things would have changed my life, put them together and it's almost too much for one person to handle. But I have. And I could no have done it without you. Since April of last year I've had 32,164 pages views. I average about 100 readers a day. I often wonder who you are and what brought you here. I can't imagine why anyone would be interested in what I have to say. I was just a grieving mom, trying to make my way through a nightmare. You helped me through. Thank you.

SCENES FROM THE FIRE

ENRAGED

My friend R owns a daycare. I used to work with her so I know the kids well. There is a family with three kids who she takes care of. All three children have different fathers and they all live with their grandmother because their mom is, well, basically a loser. She had the last two after the first one was taken away for abuse and neglect. They took the second one shortly after he was born, and the last one was taken away immediately. After I lost Brenna I thought of this woman often. How can she have babies so easily, and I can't carry one? It seems like the universe is playing a cruel joke on me. Showing me this women takes for granted the one thing I so desperately want to be able to do. Friday my suspicions were confirmed when I learned she is pregnant again. This time she is going to "get it right" by marrying the father. I doubt The State will allow her to keep this one. She's never had a job, and neither does the dad. She sleeps at her moms or on friends couches. More than likely this baby will be taken away, and go to live with the grandmother. She was upset to find out she was pregnant. She looks at this baby as a curse. She has no idea what a curse truly is.

BABIES AND SHOWERS

Remember my friend K who is expecting twins? She invited me to her baby shower. I happened to be on the phone with another friend R when I got the invitation. R told me that K was worried that her being pregnant was bothering me. I love that she thought of me. K was one of the few people I saw right after loosing Brenna. She is a florist and my first trip out of the house was to see her to order flowers for Brenna's funeral. The truth is her being pregnant does not bother me at all. Would you believe I've forgotten she's pregnant a few times, crazy right? While her being pregnant doesn't bother me, the thought of going to a baby shower for two baby girls does not thrill me. Actually, it sound like torture! I am not going to go. But I really can't understand why her pregnancy doesn't bother me, but the shower does. Maybe it's because I didn't get to have my shower, and I was so looking forward to it. In fact, I haven't even been to a wedding shower since Brenna died. I think maybe it's because I was pregnant w/ Brenna when I threw my step-daughter her wedding shower. I don't know, but I don't think I will ever go to another shower again.

WELCOME TO THE WORLD BABY

Please Give Me Back My Heart: It's a Boy!

I am so excited to welcome CLC's little boy into the world. She is one of the first bloggers I ever "met" and will always hold a special place in my heart. I could not be happier for her.

HEY KATE!

Welcome to the world baby Kate. Congratulations Ms. Beth!
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Today I went to my 8th funeral in the past year. Yes, eight! Those of you who know me in real life should be afraid- very afraid! I think I might be related to the Grim Reaper.
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Two nights ago my grandson stayed the night. He snuck into our bed around midnight, and I was too tired to carry him back to the couch. I awoke a few hours later covered in sweat. It took me a few minutes to realize that it was actually pee I was soaking in. Cleaned everything up, changed his clothes, put him back in the couch. An hour later awake to the same thing again! Oh yes, I was peed on twice in one night. As I cleaned up for the second time I had to remind myself why I ever thought about having another baby. :)

MY GRANDMA

Today is my grandma's 93rd birthday. She still lives in her own home. It's the same home she build with my grandfather before my dad was even born. (It's been remodeled and expanded, but she's still lived in the same spot since the 50's!)

She's less than five feet tall, and born on St. Patrick's Day. I've always thought of her as a little leprechaun. :)

HAPPINESS?

Yesterday we went out to eat at one of our favorite restaurants. The last time we were there I was pregnant. We have not been there in more than a year. I vividly remember the last time we were there. I even remember what I ate. I had just started feeling Brenna's kicks. We had our grandson with us and we kept telling him about "GG's baby". I specifically remember being very happy. Life just seemed so great. I had everything I wanted. I was thinking about that yesterday; about the last time we were there. Then it dawned on me: Sitting there with my husband and my son, I was happy. We laughed (and I meant it!). We talked, ate, joked. We just enjoyed each other. We had a great meal. I was happy. No, scratch that, I am happy.

When did that happen?

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Friday night at my son's basketball game there was a pregnant woman who sat in front of us. I didn't even notice her until we were getting ready to leave. Then it dawned on me, I didn't notice her! She didn't bother me. I wasn't envious. I didn't hate her. Nothing. There was also an adorable baby girl there who was born about the same time Brenna was due. At first she didn't bother me, until I kept looking at her, and thinking that Brenna would have been her age. Then it got to me. The thing that hit home for me was the fact that she was obviously a baby with special needs. And I wanted her. I thought to myself, 'I'd take her'. It was just a few days ago that I wrote this post.

"What if we have a baby? What if something is wrong with it? ... I'm afraid of messing up what I have right now."

In the second that I wished for that baby girl, I knew that even if we did have a baby with special needs, we would be OK. I would happily take what I was blessed with.

LOOK INTO MY EYES!

This one is for Ya Chun. My eyes are green. (Although in this picture they do look blueish).

I've always liked my eyes because I think they are unique. My son has brown eyes. When he was little he would tell us his eyes were brown because he drank too much chocolate milk. :) My husband has hazely-brown eyes. When I was pregnant I always pictured my baby being a girl with my green eyes. We don't know what color her eyes were because her eyes weren't open. I couldn't see myself prying my dead child's eyes open to find out what color they were, so we will never know for sure. But, since she looked exactly like my son, I think she had brown eyes just like him.

Now, tell me about your eyes.

BABY OR NOT

Now that we've passed the one year mark, of course baby-making has been on my mind. But, the truth is I have not given it serious consideration. After loosing my baby I desperately wanted another baby. Everyone who looses a baby says that they don't want another baby to replace the one they lost. I have to be honest and tell you that I wanted another baby because I thought that was the only thing that would fill the hole in my heart. Not necessarily to replace Brenna, but to fill the gap that was left in my life. I had plans for her, dreams. There were things I envisioned myself doing with her. I wanted to do those things. If I couldn't do them with her, then the only way to make those dreams come true was to have another baby. Loosing a baby leaves an indescribably emptiness in your soul. I am serious when I say that. I literally felt empty. I thought the only way to feel whole again was to have another baby. I'm not sure about that anymore.

The truth is I like my life. I am blessed with a son, a step-daughter, a grandson, and a husband (not to mention a sister and four brothers who I'm very close to!). My life is full. I have a job that I love. I have an active social life. I like how things are. My son is at the age where he doesn't want us around all the time, and he likes to be with his friends more. At first that was hard to swallow, but I now realize it gives my husband and I much more alone time together. It's like when we first started dating. Spending all day together. Holding hand when we drive. Shopping together. (It's getting sickening, right?) I like it. We are closer now then we have ever been. Without a doubt. Part of me is afraid of messing that up. What if we have a baby? What if something is wrong with it? What if something happens to me? There are just so many what-ifs that I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of messing up what I have right now.

We don't have long to make a decision. My husband is not getting any younger, (OK, neither am I!).

YOU KNOW WHO TO COUNT ON

I still have not heard from my dad. It's been a few weeks. Lately, the only time I hear from him is when he's having girlfriend problems. Generally I don't mind. I seem to be the person people turn to for advice. Which is fine. But it would be nice if those people called me once in awhile for other things too. Like to make sure I'm still alive. It really doesn't hurt my feelings that he hasn't called. It pisses me off!

I grew up living with my mom about an hour away from my dad. He was a very typical "weekend dad". Which meant that if it wasn't his weekend, we didn't see or hear from him. He always paid his child support, and never forgot our birthday. But, we never got a phone call on our birthday- just a gift on his weekend that was closest to it. When I met my husband his daughter's mom was still alive, and she lived with her mom because he lived an hour away from them. He would call his daughter almost every night and I thought that was so strange. It was foreign to me.

After I had my son, my father and I grew closer. We spent a lot of time together, even though he lives two hours away. Lately, since he has this new girlfriend, it seems that he doesn't have time for us anymore. She does not like it when he spends time with us and not her. Even though she refuses to come most of the time. I always make her feel welcome. I figure that if she makes him happy, then I can put on my happy face for the short time I spend with her. They broke up in January, and he's been calling me more often. I have a feeling that they are back together. That would explain his silence. Most of the time he doesn't even return my calls when they are together.

Do I sound like an adolescent? I feel like a 10 year old who wants her daddy's attention! I feel ridiculous even writing this because it seems so juvenile. But the fact of the matter is that my dad has really pissed me off my totally forgetting Brenna's birthday. The saddest part for me is that I knew he would forget. I just knew it.

THE ANTICIPATION

The anticipation of her birthday was much worse than the actual day. It really wasn't that bad to be honest with you. In fact, I dare say it was a pretty good day. I was still getting over the flu, and I didn't go into work. So I took my son to school, and then came home and took a nap. After I woke up my mom came over and brought me flowers. Three of my brothers brought me flowers. My mom also brought a large cross to take out to Brenna's grave. We didn't take it because it was too windy and muddy, but I am going to take it out there when the weather gets a bit nicer. My mother made me chicken and noodles. Yum! Nice, boring day. I didn't shed one tear. My son went on his fieldtrip. He had a really fun day at school. It's spirit week, so he is doing all sorts of fun things this week, and that had kept his mind of from being sad. Which I'm thankful for.

It was not a horrible, tearful day. The worst thing about today is that my dad did not remember. I didn't expect him to. Especially after what happened at my uncle's funeral. I think part of it is because my dad is a man, and he feels very uncomfortable with "feelings" and doesn't know what to say. But, part of me thinks that he does not consider her a person, or his grandchild. My mom and dad are divorced. My mom has pictures of Brenna all over her house. Where ever there are pictures of the other grandkids, there are pictures of Brenna. My dad does not even have a picture of her. Part of that is my fault. I've never given him any, but he's never asked either. My mom has asked for a copy of every picture I have. He could have at least called, or emailed me, or sent me a card. But honestly, I don't think he even remembered. It doesn't really bother me, because I didn't expect him to. If you don't have high expectations, you don't get let down.

WHERE DID THE YEAR GO?

Tomorrow the little ticker to the left of this post will read 1 year since we said goodbye. I can not believe it's been one year.

My brother called me tonight to tell me he was thinking of me. He hadn't forgotten. I love that he called me. I asked him, "What do I call it? Is it her birthday?" Deathday just doesn't seem right. Neither does birthday. To be quite honest, none of it seems right or real. Her birthday should be this summer, and she should be crawling around my house right now...

I have been afraid of this day. But now that it is here it's not so bad. The part that bothers me the most is that now that a year has past everyone will expect me to be over it. Healed. Moved on. How do you get over the fact that a person died inside of you? How do you get over that? Especially when it was someone you loved, and wanted, with every fiber of your being.

I don't really have anything insirational to write, like Reese did. I'm suffering from the flu, and my period is due to start tomorrow. Another of Mother Nature's cruel jokes.

Most other bloggers relive their baby's birth on their birthday. I think you all know the story. Or if you don't , you know where to find it. Nothing has changed. The story is the same. I just don't know the ending yet.

Happy Birthday baby girl. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you, or miss you.

CRAZY HAIR DAY

Today was crazy hair day at my son's school. Last year on Crazy Hair Day, I had to tell him the news. I remember him being so excited because he had so much fun at school that day. My mom had done his hair all spikey and colored it. He couldn't wait to show me. I remember how happy he was. I wrote this when in my first post on this blog:

"I had to tell my son what happened, and that was the hardest part for me. He's almost 11, but has never really had to deal with death before. I made sure we were alone in the hospital room, and then said I had to tell him something. He smiled at me and said, "You know if it's a boy or a girl don't you?" My heart broke because I knew his life was never going to be the same after I told him. He cried, which broke my heart. I cried, which broke his."

Telling my son was, and still is, the worst part of loosing Brenna. As much as my heart breaks from loosing her, it is broken into a million more pieces everytime I think of the smile on his face when he said, "You know if it's a boy or a girl don't you?" I literally felt like dying. I knew his life was going to change forever.

I have been thinking about Crazy Hair Day all day. I wonder if it will ever be the same for us again.