Friday, March 28, 2008

Who is this person?

I look at this picture almost every day. At Brenna's funeral my sister said it felt "sureal" and that is exactly how I feel when I look at this picture. I would never let my hair look like that. I would never loose a baby that I wanted so badly. I would never have all those tubes and monitors attached to me because I'm healthy. That can't possibly be me! I'm the person who feels bad for people like that- I'm not the person it happens to! It still feels strange to think that just over 3 weeks ago I had a living baby in me, and my life was perfect.

I distinctly remember the night before this happened I went to bed and thought about how much I loved my husband, and what a great life we had. I remember thinking how lucky I was. I was thankful for it all. Then the very next day I wake up and everything crashes down. I can't say I'm bitter. I just wonder why? Why did that poor lady in the picture up there have to go through this? In the grand scheme of life was my baby so important that she had to go to heaven now? Why couldn't I have watched her grow up? Why couldn't I have heard her laugh? Why did she have to go now?

I believe everyone has a purpose. Obviously, God isn't done with me and that's why I am still here. Apparently, Brenna served her purpose here on this earth. Would I prefer that she was here with me? Yes, but that's just me being selfish. She's enjoying herself up there, waiting for us.

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