Saturday, March 29, 2008

I'm getting good at not crying.

Yesterday was the first day I drove since I had my surgery.It felt so good to not have to rely on anyone for a ride-- and to be by myself!!!!

Today was a pretty busy day for me- relatively speaking to the last three weeks where I've had nothing to do but lay on the couch and heal. I had some places to go and kept myself busy. It so strange to be doing something that makes you happy one minute and see somthing that makes you want to cry the next. I've developed an amazing talent at being able to stop myself from crying. I feel the tears coming and I can stop them just like that. I'm sure it's not healthy, but it's much better than crying during a Cub Scout meeting!

I went shopping for my son today and one of the stores I went to was a store I bought baby clothes from. I glanced over at the girl section and had to leave. I honestly felt this pain in my heart that I have never felt before. It was horrible. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I just acted like everything was fine. If I talk about it, then it's real, and I don't want it to be real. I hate feeling weak, and at moments like these, I feel weak.

I saw a little girl with a cute pink skirt on and I felt this ting of jealousy towards her mother, I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I went to a shoe store and a pair of tiny pink Nike's caught my eye, I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I saw a little baby bathing suit and felt this sorrow that I wouldn't need anything like that anymore, and I wanted to cry, but I didn't. My friend talked about her baby, and I just wanted to cry, but I didn't. I saw a friend for the first time since this happened and she gave me a big, heartfelt hug because she has been through the same thing, I really wanted to cry, but I didn't. I saw a million babies in strollers (who weren't here just three weeks ago!) and I seriously felt so jealous I hated myself, I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I saw a hundred pregnant women and felt so empty, I wanted to cry, but I didn't.

Then I got went home. My husband was there and it was just he and I. I cooked dinner and we talked and laughed. I thought I was going to need to have a big cry when I got home, but I didn't. My husband makes me so happy and I feel so good when I am around him I didn't want or need to cry. I forgot about all the things that bothered me that day, and enjoyed being with him.

Maybe my husband is the "cure". I should start lending him out to all you other mom's. He will make you laugh, and you'll start feeling better... Maybe I'm on to somthing! :)

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