Saturday, July 31, 2010


I bought a fireproof safe today.

I bought it with the specific purpose of putting Brenna's memory box in it.

As I was buying it I didn't find it one bit odd that I was buying a safe for my dead baby's things.

This is not the life I envisioned for myself.

Friday, July 30, 2010


If you have not checked out Faces of Loss, you should. I love the idea of this blog. Just a fantastic idea.

I submitted my story. You can find it here:

Thursday, July 29, 2010


My best friend had her baby last Friday. A healthy baby boy who was born by emergency c-section after a difficult labor that involved his heart stopping. It was pretty scary, and my friend didn't get to see him until the day after he was born, but all is well now. He is beautiful. The first newborn I've held since my Brenna was born. I didn't get as emotional as I thought I would. I didn't get emotional at all, really. I enjoyed holding him.

As I was holding in, I did try to imagine what it would have been like if Brenna had been born alive. I couldn't. For the life of me I couldn't imagine it. It's like she just wasn't meant to be here.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


So my son went to camp this week. They offer bus service, but it meets in a place that was puzzling to me. It's north of us, and the camp is south of us, so why would the bus meet north? I'm guessing so kids from "Up North" (as we Michiganders call it) could attend camp. We were going to have to drop him off. I googled it, and it should take about 1 1/2 to 2 hours to get there.

Saturday we're getting around, ready to drop him off. We planned on leaving early to go eat lunch at one of our favorite restaurants. I go to print out the map from mapquest so we know where we are going. Oh, wait, what's this? I read the location of the camp wrong? It's actually in the UPPER PENINSULA of Michigan!?! Oh yes, my friends. The camp was almost 5 hours NORTH!

Here is a little visual for you. I thought we had to go to the red dot, but we actually had to go to the gray dot. How in the world did I make this mistake? I have no idea.

Would you believe we made it there just as they were wrapping up registration. We did.

This one is going down in the books at one of my dumbest mistakes ever.

(Oh, and he's taking the bus home! Now it all makes sense to me.)

Sunday, July 18, 2010


While in Hawaii, I fell in love with the plumeria flower.

Not only was it beautiful, it smelled amazing. They make leis out of plumerias, and I would hang one up and it would make our whole room smell great.

It was without a doubt, the best smelling flower I've ever smellled. (I was pretty disappointed that the USDA doesn't allow us to bring them home).

I decided to get a tattoo while I was there. I've been wanting another one, but I just couldn't decide what I wanted. As soon as I saw this flower I knew that is what I wanted.

I told the girl what I wanted, and she drew it up for me. It's three plumeria flowers. One for my son, and two for my grandsons. I was going to have her put thier initials in the leaf or petal, but I since grandson #2 isn't here yet I decided not to. His name could change at any moment. :)

Friday, July 16, 2010


These days I avoid most "rainbow baby" blogs, and most "dead baby" blogs for that matter. There are a select few I read, but honestly not many at all anymore. It hurts my heart (literally) to read of someone else having a rainbow baby. I don't like feeling that way, but I do. I am jealous. I wish it were me. When I read those type of blogs it just stirs up those feelings again. I can not for the life of me understand why someone who doesn't even take care of their children gets to have four living, healthy, beautiful children, but I only get one. Then I feel guilty, because I am so grateful for the one I do have here with me, and I don't want anyone to think I'm not. I'm probably more grateful for him than she is for all four of hers!

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of what my life would be like with her here. The grieving is over, but the mourning never ends.

Thursday, July 15, 2010


Hawaii was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G! I have heard people say that they fell in love with a town, and I never could relate. I totally can now. I am in love. I am very serious when I tell you that I would move there in a second. No hesitation. Not only was it beautiful, but the people were so friendly. It was the first time I ever went on vacation and didn't want to leave. Even now I feel sad that I'm not there, and I actually miss it.
My husband has always wanted to retired to Florida, and I've always told him no. There is no way I'm moving to Florida. After we got home I told him I'd happily move to Hawaii. We are seriously considering buying a condo there and retiring.

Friday, July 2, 2010


Well friends, in the morning my hubs and I will be going to Hawaii. I will see you all in two weeks!