WHY

I have been thinking about Maddie and her family almost nonstop lately. Over this past year I've met many mother's who've lost babies. Why is Heather any different? Why has Maddie's death affected me so profoundly? The more I think about the more I realize why. First of all, I think it's because Heather thought she was going to loose Maddie when she was a baby. She checked herself out of the hospital AMA to go to the hospital Maddie was at so she could be by her side when she passed. She honestly did not expect her baby to make it. Neither did the doctors, even clearing out the NICU once so that Maddie's parents could be alone with her while she died. But she didn't die. Heather blogged about feeling guilty that Maddie survived when so many babies didn't. She knew how lucky she was that Maddie was alive. She didn't take it for granted. She appreciated every moment with her daughter. Maddie was a very small preemie, and she had health problems, but no one expected her to die. It was so unexpected. She thought her baby had made it. She beat the odds. She was a survivor. And then in the blink of an eye she is gone.

What really bothers me is that, even though my daughter died before she was born, I still understand what this time is going to be like. I know that right now everything seems surreal. Horrible, but surreal. I know that it won't be until after the funeral, when everything has returned "back to normal" that your life really falls apart. I understand that when your life consisted of caring for a child, and that child is gone, you don't know what to do with yourself. I know what it's like to not want to get out of bed... I guess it just bothers me because I know so much about something I don't want to know anything about.

And I don't want anyone else to know either.