Monday, March 14, 2011


The truth is that I have accepted the fact that I'm never going to be a mother to another child. That is probably why I smother my step-daughter's kids and my dogs with love. That is probably why they get cuddled so much. That is probably why I love them so much. It doesn't mean I wouldn't love my grandkids if I had a baby of my own because I would love those babies no matter what, but the truth is I wouldn't even have dogs if I had a baby. My dogs are my stand in kids.

I'm OK with not having another child. I know that it's not going to happen for me. I know what the doctors all told me. But the truth is that every time my period is late I get a little hopeful. Even if it means I could face serious health consequences, even though my husband is 50 and I'm 34, even though my son is going into high school, even though I have two grandchildren, even though I'm unemployed right now and a baby would be a huge financial burden, even though the doctor advises against it, even though I don't have maternity insurance... even with all those things the truth is I would be ecstatic if I found myself accidentally pregnant.

I deep down want another baby. I've accepted that it's not going to happen, but that doesn't mean I don't want it.

It's a strange place to be but it's where I am right now.

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