After Brenna was stillborn I said I missed her, but the truth is I didn't truly miss her.
How could I miss someone I never had in my life?
I mourned her. I love her. I wish she was here. My heart hurt, but it hurt in a different way than it does when you miss someone. It hurt in a way that your heart hurts when your dreams are crushed. When everything you had planned suddenly changes. When you know your life will never be the same. That is not missing someone. That is realizing your dreams won't come true.
From the moment a woman finds out she is pregnant she begins dreaming big dreams for her baby. What will he/she look like. What will they be like. What kind of life you will have together. We form a picture of the future in our minds, and when a baby is born safely the picture usually changes, but we still dream for them.
When you lose a baby you lose the dream.
Everything you imagined comes to a screeching halt and you realize that you're dreams will never come true. Everything you had planned is crushed. The life you envision for yourself and your child will never happen.
That is hard to accept.
It's harder for some people to accept than others. My personal feeling is it's easier if you have another child; it's more difficult if you can never have more children. But no matter what it's still hard to let that dream go. The dream dies will your baby.
I love my daughter, and I grieve for her. But what I miss most of all is the dreams I had for her.