Tuesday, February 15, 2011


The first year of grief is the worst. It's a constant roller coaster. Good days, bad days. You know the drill. Some days you think you are going to die, other days you can't even remember being sad.

The first year is torture: You pass your due date, the day you found out you were pregnant, in some cases you know the day you got pregnant, your first ultrasound, you baby shower, and finally you come back around to the day your baby was born.

I remember dreading those days. They jumped off the calendar at me.

I knew the day was coming up (whatever day it was- pick one), and I would start the countdown weeks in advance. Full of dread. Wishing it wouldn't come. Getting sick to my stomache everytime I thought of it. Planning my life around it.

When my due date came around the first time I remember being so angry. I hated life. Simple as that. I felt like the universe was out to get me or something. It was such a lonely time in my life. When Brenna's birthday came around the first time it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

That is when I realized I needed to stop making those dates something that they weren't. Why was I letting those dates bother me so much? I missed her everyday, did I miss her more on those days? No. So then why did I let the date upset me so much? I don't know.

So I made the decision to let it go. I don't let it upset me anymore. I don't dread it.

Her birthday is just around the corner. She was born almost three years ago. While I know that her birthday won't be hard on me, I also accept the fact that March 5th will forever jump off the calendar at me. I can feel it coming up. But it doesn't scare me.

I won't spend the day crying or sulking about what I don't have. I will think about her, but it won't be a horrible day.

It's her day.

1 comment:

JenJen said...

I feel the same way as Lily's 3rd birthday comes up in August. Ugh, that first year was just one heartbreaking day after another. Sometimes, it was hard to breathe...Now, missing her is a just a constant heartache. I still love her and miss her but time has made these feelings less intense. Less intense meaning that I'm still able to go about my day and not drown in the feelings...

Thinking about you both as March
5th approaches ((hugs))