HEARTACHE

I am not an emotional person. I don't cry easily, if at all. I can count on my hands the number of times my husband has seen me cry in the last 16 years together. I never even shed a tear at my daughter's funeral.

In the rare instance I am overcome with emotion, it's never in public. I have a physical inability to cry in front of people, especially strangers.

That's why yesterday took me by surprise.

We were in church. It was a particularly uplifting service where the music was more "contemporary" and some of the songs that I love. We had a group of people there who were in a program for young adults who are troubled. Most of them are in their early 20s. At one point a young lady got up and told her story. She said that she had gotten into drugs, and had even abused hard drugs while pregnant. Her baby had aspirated meconium during during his premature birth, and she was told he wouldn't survive. For some reason this hit me like a ton of bricks. Maybe it's because I didn't expect it. Maybe it's because I was really "in the moment" with all the singing and stuff. I don't know. All I know is that I now know what people mean when they say choke back tears. This lady's story went on for a few minutes, and I turned into a robot. If someone would have said one word to me I would have lost it. I sat there with my back pressed up against the pew, fighting to swallow. Fighting to breath.

Even now, three years later, when I think that everything is fine and I have moved on, something comes out of left field and shakes me to the core.

Nothing is ever the same after you lose a baby.

ZUPPA TOSCANA

I love Olive Garden for two things: Soup and Salad. Yum! My fav is their Zuppa Toscana soup. My mom recently made an Olive Garden themed dinner for my family. It included an exact replica of Olive Garden's soup. I could not tell the difference. (Granted, my mother is a wizard in the kitchen, so it may just be her magic touch.) She purchased Olive Garden's salad dressing (they sell it by the bottle), and served it with bread sticks and homemade fettuccine alfredo. Delish!

Here is a recipe for the soup:

1 lb ground Italian sausage

1½ tsp crushed red peppers

1 large diced white onion

4 Tbsp bacon pieces

2 tsp garlic puree

10 cups water

5 cubes of chicken bouillon

1 cup heavy cream

1 lb sliced potatoes

¼ of a bunch of kale broken or chopped into bite size pieces

• Saute Italian sausage with red pepper in a large pot. Drain fat. Set aside.
• In the same pot saute bacon, onions and garlic until the onions are soft.
• Add chicken bouillon and water to the pot. Heat until boiling.
• Add potatoes and cook until they are tender (20-30 minutes)
• Stir in the cream, and cook until it's heated (don't boil!)
• Mix in the sausage and kale.

Serve with breaksticks and salad for a delicious meal.

SAY WHAT?

I'm trying to decide what direction to take my career. I want to finish my degree, but I'm not sure I want to finish the degree I originally started with. So I've been reading whatever job related article Yahoo has on my homepage when I go to check my email.

Yesterday they had this article. It lists five growing careers that don't require a four year degree. I noticed Adminstrative Assistant was number four. The article claims that secretaries are expected to experience a large job growth in the next few years.

Then today Yahoo had this article on there. It says that a secretary is a job "headed for the trash pile". It claims that 30,000 of these jobs were lost in 5 years.

Does anyone at Yahoo even read what they post?

Maybe they need to hire a secretary.

IT'S JUST A DAY

The first year of grief is the worst. It's a constant roller coaster. Good days, bad days. You know the drill. Some days you think you are going to die, other days you can't even remember being sad.

The first year is torture: You pass your due date, the day you found out you were pregnant, in some cases you know the day you got pregnant, your first ultrasound, you baby shower, and finally you come back around to the day your baby was born.

I remember dreading those days. They jumped off the calendar at me.

I knew the day was coming up (whatever day it was- pick one), and I would start the countdown weeks in advance. Full of dread. Wishing it wouldn't come. Getting sick to my stomache everytime I thought of it. Planning my life around it.

When my due date came around the first time I remember being so angry. I hated life. Simple as that. I felt like the universe was out to get me or something. It was such a lonely time in my life. When Brenna's birthday came around the first time it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

That is when I realized I needed to stop making those dates something that they weren't. Why was I letting those dates bother me so much? I missed her everyday, did I miss her more on those days? No. So then why did I let the date upset me so much? I don't know.

So I made the decision to let it go. I don't let it upset me anymore. I don't dread it.

Her birthday is just around the corner. She was born almost three years ago. While I know that her birthday won't be hard on me, I also accept the fact that March 5th will forever jump off the calendar at me. I can feel it coming up. But it doesn't scare me.

I won't spend the day crying or sulking about what I don't have. I will think about her, but it won't be a horrible day.

It's her day.

CRAZY MAMA

Sometimes the Movie Industry really irritates me.

Yesterday I watched a television show and a movie. In both of them the parents lost a child and the mother lost her mind. In the movie the couple lost their little boy and it tore the parents apart. The mother couldn't function and the father couldn't understand why. on the TV show a lady lost her young son and went so crazy she kidnapped a little boy to replace the one she lost.

Really? You guys are so original.

We've seen the same story line 100 times.

You know what I would like to see, Hollywood? I'd like to see a movie about a mother who losses a child and doesn't lose her shit. I'd like to see a movie that is honest and shows a mom who doesn't know how she's going to get out of bed, let alone shower. Who has to plan her babies funeral. Who has her milk come in, with no baby to feed. How about you show her holding a baby for the first time? Maybe you can get inside her head and show how she thinks holding that tiny baby might kill her. Why don't you throw in a supportive husband. Let the world see that many times the couple grows closer, and they can depend on each other. Why don't you show how the woman cries everyday in the car on her way home from work. How about showing what due dates and birthdays are like for her? Not to mention pregnant women and other babies. How about you show a mother who doesn't keep all her child's things in "his room" 10 years later like some sort of shrine.

I'd like to see a movie depict what really happens when a mother loses a child. Because the truth is 99.9% of the time we don't go insane. We pull ourselves up. We dust ourselves off. We move on through life. Sometimes it's easy. Sometimes it's not. But we do it. I'd like you to put that in a movie.

But that will never happen, because it's not sexy. It's not pretty. It doesn't sell tickets.

Crazy moms sell tickets.

UP AND DOWN

Life is so much less stressful now that I'm laid off. Even though I knew it was coming- and I actually welcomed it- it still was a blow. But money-wise we are fine. We life a pretty frugal life to begin with (no credit cards, cash for everything- even our cars). Last night my son dropped a bomb on me- he wants to go to a private high school next year. He's in a private school now. It is a blessing. I love his school, and so does he. But they don't go past eighth grade, and he'll be a freshman next year. We had talked about it before, and he was undecided. He was leaning towards a public high school close to us, but not our district. My husband and I were happy with that decision. We've pretty much left it up to him because he's the one going there, and academically they are both great. When we initially discussed it we had the financial means to make a $600 a month tuition payment. Now we don't. As it is, I don't even know how I"m going to pay for my own tuition to community college.

Can you say guilty?

I feel horrible. I don't want to tell him no. I would do anything to make this happen for him. But I just don't know how we could even swing that. Honestly, we couldn't even afford a $300 payment right now.

It's all I've thought about for the last day. I'm stressed out over it and I feel sick to my stomach about it.

But, I've come to the realization that if it's meant to be it will happen. I will do everything in my power to make it happen for him, but if it's not meant to be I won't be able to make it.

I really want this for him. He is a fantastic student. His teacher told us that he believes Brendan should be able to get a full academic scholarship. I know everyone thinks thier kid is smart, but mine really is. He's really smart. If he's taking his schooling this seriously, and wants to go to a good school this bad, how do I tell him we can't afford it?

DID YOU CATCH THAT?

Did anyone see Oprah a few days ago when they were talking about going Vegan for a week? I totally could not go Vegan. Let's face it- meat tastes good! But I found it very interesting because it discussed a lot of the things about food that I talked about on this blog a few days ago. Go me! :)

Also, highlight of my week? I was getting dressed to go out Monday night and I put on a pair of jeans. When I looked at myself in the mirror I couldn't figure out what the heck was wrong with my pants. Then it dawned on me- I had just put on my skinny jeans. You know, the jeans that never fit but you still hold onto anyway? Yeah, those jeans. And I had them on. AND I had them ZIPPED! And they looked damn good.

Glorious.