Tuesday, August 31, 2010

August 8th

I just realized that August 8th came and went without be realizing it. August 8th was my due date with Brenna. For the last two years I've started my period on August 8th. I felt like it was a slap in the face each time. This year it came and went and, quite honestly, I didn't even notice.

The interesting part of this for me is that I happened to watch Oprah today. I usually don't get to see her show, but I got home early and caught it. Nate Berkus was on (it was a re-run) and he was talking to a mom who had lost her son. She told him how special dates (his birthday, the day he died) were terrifying for her. Nate (who I have never really paid attention to before, but have now fallen in love with) told her that after his partner Fernando died (in the Tsunami of 2005) he dreaded his upcoming birthday. When Fernando's birthday came and went Nate didn't feel sad. I've searched the Internet for a video of that conversation, and I did find this. (I spent a lot of time looking, so humor me and read it.) For those of you who aren't going to humor me, here's a snippet of what he said:

"What I really realized for me was that the date actually doesn't have any power. The memory had the power," he says. "When I decided that I wasn't going to just automatically be sad in August and just automatically be destroyed in December, all of a sudden August and December weren't scary to me."- Nate Berkus, Oprah.com

I think it's not just a coincidence that I happened to see that today, and then later realize the 8th didn't effect me.

My initial response was to feel guilty, but a split second later I thought, "Why?" I am not forgetting her. I don't love her any less. I'm not going to feel bad that I forgot about a day.

I am moving on, but I'm not leaving her memory behind. At the same time, I'm not using her memory as an excuse to hold onto my grief.

Thursday, August 26, 2010


We are remodeling our bathroom. It's the bathroom that our son uses, but also the guest bathroom so I'm trying to make it nice, but not too girly. I found this online:

If you have read for any length of time you know that dragonflies are my thing when it comes to Brenna. I have a few necklaces that are dragonfly (one really nice one from my mother), and various other dragonfly items that make me think of her. (For more look here.)

I struggled with the decision to purchase these dragonfly bathroom accessories. They aren't my favorite, and they are kind of feminine, which doesn't work for a boys bathroom. For the first time ever, I felt conflicted between my son and my daughter. I actually felt like I was betraying her. Like I had to purchase this because it was dragonfly and dragonflies remind me of her. For some ridiculous reason I felt like had to choose him or her.

It mazes me that two years later these things still come up.

Sunday, August 22, 2010


I have to admit that I watch all of the Real Housewives. (In fact the second D.C. episode is playing on my DVR right now!) I was watching an episode a few weeks ago from the New Jersey season. One of the mother's has a son who is in college and he struggles with a learning disability. He was notified that he could not continue his pre-law studies because his grades were too low. I'm sure I was like most mother's when my heart broke for this poor kid. He said he felt worthless (or something like that) and I really felt bad for him. I expected his mother to run to his defense and help him make things right.

I was surprised when she didn't.

I was even more surprised at his father's reaction.

Of course his parents were upset, but they told him this was his battle. His father said that if something like this stopped him from becoming a lawyer than he didn't deserve to be one!

At first I was floored. How could a parent not help their child? How could they not want to run to his side?

The more I thought about it the more I reflected on my parenting style? I would have done everything in my power to get my kid in another school, or to keep him in that school. I would have taken over (and I'm sure gotten things done).

But it wouldn't be my fight. It would be his. I would be doing him a disservice by not letting him earn his spot. He would never appreciate it because he didn't fight for it.

I really learned a lesson that day. Over these past few weeks I've began to change the way I parent. I see changes in my son already.

And my husband says reality TV is rotting my brain. What does he know!

Friday, August 13, 2010


My step-daughter is 27 weeks pregnant now. She will probably deliver in 10 weeks. Her first was almost ten pounds, and they are estimating this one to be at least that big again. She failed her one hour glucose, and has to go in for the three hour test soon.

The first time she was pregnant I had no doubt her pregnancy was going to end happily. Even when she had problems, was in labor for four days, or when the doctor threatened a c-section. I never once considered she wouldn't be bringing a new baby home.

This time around I find myself worrying. I catch myself going "there". (You know where it is.) I try to keep a positive mind set, and I think I'm doing a good job, but every once in awhile I catch myself thinking there are no guarantees, and bad things happen all the time.

It is not a fun place to be.

But I know in my heart she is bringing a healthy baby home from the hospital in October. This I am certain.

Monday, August 9, 2010


I hate flying. No, scratch that. I fear flying. In fact, it terrifies me. When we were thinking about going to Hawaii the thought of flying made me sick to my stomach. Someone suggested I ask my doctor for a prescription for Val.ium. I tried it, and it worked wonderfully. The flight was great, and I felt fine.

It was the first time I felt "fine" in a long time.

I can't remember the last time I felt that way.

I can't remember the last time I thought about my son and didn't have some sort of gut-wrenching panic hit me. On a daily basis I worried about something. Everything. Worried to the point of not sleeping well. Being awoken by feelings of sheer panic.

I really did not realize how bad it had gotten until I took that Val.ium for my flight and felt normal again. I didn't realize that I wasn't feeling normal! I didn't realize I was feeling this way!

You know me, I'm not one to pop pills if there is a natural way to try first.

About three weeks ago I started taking Passion Flower. At first I didn't really see a difference, but now I can totally see it. I don't feel any different. I just don't have those moments of sheer panic or stomach pain like I used to. I don't find myself dwelling on things like I had been doing. I feel much more relaxed.

I'm surprised how bad it had gotten without me realizing it.

**It goes without saying I am not a doctor. If you feel like you have a problem you should speak with your doctor.**