I WANT TO BE A "J"

I have a friend that I work with, I will call her "J". She is one of my favorite people in the world. She is so upbeat and happy. She's a honest person. Hard worker. She doesn't have a lot in life, but she is happy with what she has. I just really like her a lot.

Her husband has terminal cancer. In fact, he has end stage cancer, and will probably not be here for Christmas. She is (obviously) broken up over this, and my just breaks for her. Due to a bunch of red tape he lost his life insurance, and now she is going to have to pay for his funeral as well. An expense she didn't foresee.

Even with all of this, she comes to work with a smile on her face. Telling jokes and making everyone around her laugh. She is a true joy to be around. I want to be more like her.

My work is holding a fundraiser for her next week. I think it is the least we can do for her.

Would you please keep J and her husband in your prayers. Hospice has come in to administer pain meds for him. They have a very rough few weeks ahead of them.

TOOT-TOOT!

I usually go grocery shopping on the weekends. It seems that everyone in the free world is shopping at my local grocery store on the weekends, so I don't like to go shopping on the weekends. Unfortunately, this is the only time I have, so lately I've been going late at night. I've also been dragging my husband with me. We like to go late at night because the 24-hour Store is almost empty at, say, 11 p.m. Works for me. In and out.

A few weeks ago we were shopping late at night. We hadn't seen any other shoppers, and had the place to ourselves. I was picking out a spaghetti sauce, which is a task I take pretty seriously. My husband came down the isle behind me, just as I reach up to a high shelf and let a huge fart rip. I wasn't that worried about it because no one else was around us. "Wow!" I said "That was disgusting!" A second later it began to smell. "Ew! What did I eat!?!" I laughed a little laugh, and concentrated on my spaghetti sauce. "What kind do you like?" I asked my husband. He didn't answer me and I turned around and asked him again. There, looking at me with horror, was a man I had never seen before. I face instantly turned red. "Oh, I'm sorry" I said "I thought you were my husband." As if shitting my pants is OK as long as my husband is around! He didn't say anything to me, just starred at me. I abandoned the spaghetti sauce and ran down the isle to my husband who had no idea what had just happened. Of course we ran into that guy two more times, and I couldn't even look him in the eye.

COLLAGE

Thank you Franchesca for making this for my girl.

IT WASN'T ENOUGH

I only had 75 days with her.



It took my awhile to find out I was pregnant, because the thought seemed so crazy to me. I hadn't even considered it. It wasn't until she was making me vomit every second of every day that I realize I may have a baby in there.



I did.



75 days later, I didn't.



I don't cry everyday anymore, but I still cry.



It just doesn't seem fair.



I am happy with my life right now, but I can't help but think that it shouldn't be like this. It should be different. She should be here. If she was here, life would be very different right now. I can't help but think that.



75 days just isn't long enough.

HAPPY SWEETEST DAY

(Does everyone celebrate Sweetest Day or is that something we celebrate only here in the North?)

"I love you not only for what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out." - Roy Croft

"Whatever our souls are made of, mine and his are the same." - Emily Bronte

BRENNA...

I'm remembering you today, as always.

OCTOBER

I'm still here. I just don't have much to say these days.

I'm sure it's because October 15th is tomorrow, but I've been missing Brenna lately. I find myself actually feeling angry that some terrible people have 10 kids easily, and some good people can't have one. I am having a hard time with it, and I think it will always be something I struggle with.

My friend K's husband is not doing well. He is off the vent, but the doctors are not very hopeful that he will have any sort of qu.ality of life. My heart is broken for her. It's strange. Four months ago when her babies were born I would have switched places with her in a second. Now I wouldn't want to take her place in a million years. Funny how life changes in the blink of an eye.

I'll be thinking of you and your babies tomorrow. I will be lighting a candle at 7pm, and thinking of all of you.

MOURNING

How long are you supposed to mourn? This is something we have all thought about. Will something always remind us and make the wound fresh again? Is this always going to be a part of me? Is this how I am now? Forever?

Today I'm going to direct you over to Heather's Dad. He said it better than I ever could.