Friday, September 25, 2009


Shame on me for not saying Thank You earlier. I've been wanting to thank Crystal Theresa for remembering Brenna. It was such a thoughtful thing she did for us. It really touched my heart.


Wednesday, September 23, 2009


I finally found a car. We picked it up yesterday. I didn't really want a red car, because I owned a red car for two years and I recieved 3 speeding tickets (once I wasn't even speeding- honestly!). I've owned my silver car for 5 years and got zero speeding tickets. (Even though I speed way more often now than I did then!). While I love the color, it wasn't my first choise. But this car had everything I wanted (and then some) and the price was right. I couldn't pass it up.

Isn't it funny how a thing like a car can just make your day week?

Monday, September 21, 2009


I ate a taco salad today. I haven't eaten one since I was pregnant with Brenna. I distinctly remember my husband bringing it home for me, and me telling him how much the baby liked taco salad.

After I lost her I couldn't eat one.

I ate one at work today. Sitting at my desk, all I could think about was the last time I ate one. The last time when she was still with me.

Before I entered deadbabyland I had never heard the term Shadow Baby. I had no idea what it meant. For those of you lucky enough not to know, a Shadow Baby is a baby/child in your life that is close in age to what your child would have been. For most women it's the child of someone with whom they were pregnant at the same time. The child that lived when theirs didn't.

My shadow baby is a boy. I think that makes it easier.

His mother and I were due literally two weeks apart.

She sent flowers to Brenna's funeral.

When I saw her, a month before our due date (Did I just say our?) I could barely look at her. It killed me to see her. It was a Fourth of July party. I ended up drinking too much, and crying all the way home.

I didn't go to her baby shower.

When she had him, I was happy he was born alive and healthy. They were over the moon in love with him. I couldn't blame them.

The first few times I saw him I could barely look at him. I put a smile on my face, and died inside. "Want to see him" his aunt asked me. I shook my head no. She looked at me knowingly, and said she was sorry. I felt like an ass.

He came to our family Easter this year, which was weird because he's not family. I was pissed at them. I was mad that they were bringing him without any acknowledgement of my feelings. They should know. But, it was my problem- not theirs. I had to accept this baby as a part of my life. I couldn't avoid him forever. I should not, could not expect people to tip toe around me forever!!!! It was ridiculous for me to feel that way, and I knew it. But I couldn't help feeling like it should be her first Easter and instead he was the center of attention. I didn't hold him that day, but I did touch his foot. Yes, I remember that. I know it's ridiculous, but I remember it well.

It wasn't until Memorial Day that I saw him again. I held him this time. It was painfully easier than I anticipated.

I saw him this past Fourth of July. He was laughing, and happy. It reminded me of what I was missing. What she would be doing.

I think he will always remind me.

Saturday, September 19, 2009


I'll be laying in my bed, either just falling asleep or just waking up, and then it hits me. Out of no where.

My baby is dead.

I was pregnant last year.

I had a baby growing happily inside of me.

And she died.

It jolts me awake, and I can't shake the feeling of disbelief.

I can't believe that a year and a half later this still happens to me.

Sunday, September 13, 2009


We were once close friends. We met in high school, and had some great times together. After graduation our lives took different paths. I had a baby, she went to college. She was the maid of honor in my wedding. We've stayed in contact, but have drifted apart over the last few years. When you have a baby at a young age it's a strain on the friendships with your childless friends. We had fun when we were together, but we really didn't have anything in common anymore. We still talked, but not everyday- or even every month!

I sent her an email when I lost Brenna. I let her know what happened. I tried to tell her how serious it was. Her response? "Sorry to hear that". When I next saw her I had just had my tattoo done, and showed her Brenna's name on my foot. She didn't even comment on it. It was painfully awkward.

It would be a year before I saw her again. This time at her wedding. (To a man I had never met). She looked fabulous. We talked for awhile. The friendship was still there. Like we hadn't missed anything. I realized I missed her.

She sent me an email a few months ago. "I wanted you to know. I'm pregnant. We're not telling people yet, but I wanted you to know." I congratulated her. I was truly happy for her. I am happy for her. She's waited a long time for this.

Last week she asked me, "Can I ask you about Brenna?" I said "Of course". She told me she's been thinking about her a lot these days. Now that she's pregnant. Now that she knows what it's like. She told me she has been looking at Brenna's pictures on my facebook. She asked me a lot of questions. I told her the whole story. We talked for a long time, and it felt good.

I suppose I should be angry at her. Bitter that she didn't acknowledge my pain. Didn't offer a shoulder to cry on. Ignored the whole situation. I should have cut her out of my life long ago.

But, I can't. It's not her fault that she doesn't know. If the tables were reversed I can't say I would have known what to say. I doubt I would have rushed to her side. Unless you've been there you have no idea what it's like. I can't fault her for not knowing what to say or do. She didn't mean to be heartless- she just didn't know!

And I hope she never does.


Today is our Anniversary. I can not believe we've been married this long. I still remember the first day I met my future husband. I honestly had no idea I would one day marry him.

Our life together has not been perfect. At times it's been down right horrible. But we've always stuck together. Pushed through. I had someone recently ask me how we managed to stay together and be happy when there were so many things against us. I didn't know what the answer was. Now that I think about it, I think I know:

Divorce has never been an option. There was a time when things were not well. I really thought about leaving. Once I decided that was not something I was willing to do, then I had to look for ways to fix the things that were wrong in our relationship. It didn't happen overnight. It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. But it worked. When we both committed to fixing our problems, we found solutions.

I treat my husband like a stranger. If I bumped into a stranger in the store, I'd say "Excuse me". If someone I didn't know picked up something I dropped I'd tell them "Thank you". I was surprised at how many people didn't do those things for their spouses. I think it's sad to see people treat strangers better than they treat their own family! I just don't understand it. If my husband does something for me I tell him thank you. If I accidental ram into him with the cart I tell him I'm sorry. I'm polite to him, and he is to me. It's really not that big of a deal, but you'd be surprised how many people don't do it. (Perfect example of this: Kate Gosselin. I used to watch that show and wonder why her husband put up with the way she spoke to him. She spoke down to her husband in a way that she would never have done to a stranger. I was not surprised when they separated.)

I learned it's OK to be wrong. This was a big one for me. For some reason I had this thing were I always had to be right. Even if I was wrong, and I knew I was wrong, I couldn't admit it. It took a long time (and lots of arguments) for me to realize it's OK to be wrong. I remember the first time I admitted I was wrong. I don't remember what I was wrong about, but I remember my husband's reaction. He paused for a minute. And we didn't fight. I admitted my wrong doing so there wasn't anything to fight about. But I remember that pause. Now I will fess up to my mistakes. I don't always like it. I don't always willingly do it. But I will admit it. It has made life a lot easier.

Our marriage is far from perfect. We have our arguments. (Although, I have to say I can't remember the last time we really had a fight.) Sometimes we drive each other insane. I tend to think part of the reason we lasted this long is because my husband is very patient with me. I honestly can't imagine anyone else putting up with me like he does. For that I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

Happy Anniversary, Honey. I love you more each and every day.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


Have you seen my Aunt Flo? Because I seem to have lost her. She has been coming later and later these days. It is driving me insane. The anxiety of why this is happening, coupled with the 10-day-PMS-a-thon and you have one very unhappy Holli. And my husband isn't so happy either.

On the plus side my insurance is totalling my car! We don't owe anything on it, so I will be able to buy a new (to me) car and not have a payment. :)

Monday, September 7, 2009


My week went something like this:

Worked a 50 hour work week.

Went school clothes shopping where I had to force my son to pick something out. Anything! "You can't go to school naked" I reminded him about 100 times. I took him to American Eagle and told him he could pick out anything he wanted. He picked out two tee shirts. I hated them both.

Bought myself a pair of Nike Shox. I thought they would be weird to wear, but actually they are pretty comfy. Especially when I have to be on my feet all day.

Gave all three dogs a bath. Blow dried two of them.

I went to the drive-in movies with my husband, son, and grandson. We saw two movies. One was G-Force, the other Post Grad. I have no idea why they were showing these movies together because Post Grad was obviously not a movie for kids. But by the Post Grad showed the little guy was asleep, and our 12 year old has probably heard worse things on TV so it wasn't horrible. I wouldn't watch either of those movies again by the way.

Switched cell phone providers. Let's see if I like this one.

As previously posted I hit a deer, or rather, a deer hit me.

Checked out new cars (see above).

Nursed the wound on one of my dogs. She got into a fight with a skunk. The skunk won. Not only did she stink, she has a would on her leg. Poor baby, I feel so bad for her. She was trying to protect our chickens. Pepe La Pew wanted to eat them.

Ate an entire jar of kalamata olives in one day.

Watched two other movies on Video On Demand: State of Play and Duplicity. I like these movies significantly better than the ones was saw at the drive in.

Slept in until 10 am for the past three days.

Looked at about 30 new blogs. I really miss blog-surfing!

Cleared out my Google Read, and my in box. Both were in the 300's.

Right now, I'm eating a few cheez-its while I type this. Then I'm headed to bed.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009


My heart is literally breaking right now. Please offer words of encouragement to Mirne and Craig, who lost thier third child today. Jethro Craig Wilhelm, Baby Jet, died this morning. He never even made it home from the hospital.

This is the worst nightmare of every single one of us in deadbabyland.