Sunday, September 13, 2009

CAN I ASK YOU ABOUT BRENNA?

We were once close friends. We met in high school, and had some great times together. After graduation our lives took different paths. I had a baby, she went to college. She was the maid of honor in my wedding. We've stayed in contact, but have drifted apart over the last few years. When you have a baby at a young age it's a strain on the friendships with your childless friends. We had fun when we were together, but we really didn't have anything in common anymore. We still talked, but not everyday- or even every month!

I sent her an email when I lost Brenna. I let her know what happened. I tried to tell her how serious it was. Her response? "Sorry to hear that". When I next saw her I had just had my tattoo done, and showed her Brenna's name on my foot. She didn't even comment on it. It was painfully awkward.

It would be a year before I saw her again. This time at her wedding. (To a man I had never met). She looked fabulous. We talked for awhile. The friendship was still there. Like we hadn't missed anything. I realized I missed her.

She sent me an email a few months ago. "I wanted you to know. I'm pregnant. We're not telling people yet, but I wanted you to know." I congratulated her. I was truly happy for her. I am happy for her. She's waited a long time for this.

Last week she asked me, "Can I ask you about Brenna?" I said "Of course". She told me she's been thinking about her a lot these days. Now that she's pregnant. Now that she knows what it's like. She told me she has been looking at Brenna's pictures on my facebook. She asked me a lot of questions. I told her the whole story. We talked for a long time, and it felt good.

I suppose I should be angry at her. Bitter that she didn't acknowledge my pain. Didn't offer a shoulder to cry on. Ignored the whole situation. I should have cut her out of my life long ago.

But, I can't. It's not her fault that she doesn't know. If the tables were reversed I can't say I would have known what to say. I doubt I would have rushed to her side. Unless you've been there you have no idea what it's like. I can't fault her for not knowing what to say or do. She didn't mean to be heartless- she just didn't know!

And I hope she never does.

5 comments:

JenJen said...

I'm glad that she came around even if it took her a long time to get it together. Sometimes your childless friends can't realize how much you love someone that you've never met until they are there themselves...

Aunt Becky said...

Sometimes it's so hard to know what to say or how to say it. You're a big person for letting it go.

*hugs*

Connie's Confessions said...

A friend of my mom lost her baby girl two days before her delivery date. This happened years before I even thought about kids. I really thought more about Amy and her baby girl when I got pregnant myself and fully understood how horrible it must have been for her. Not that I didn't think that before I got pregnant, but you truly don't understand the reality of such loss that many people face until you are pregnant yourself. You realize that a pregancy is not a guarantee.

You are a wonderful friend by understanding.

Violet said...

I've never had a child or experienced the loss of a child, so I can't compare. But, I know what you mean about friends drifting apart when your at two totally different places in your life, and then something brings them back. I've got a friend that I was really close to for years, and we drifted, then when she experienced a loss (not of a child) like I had when I was 15, she came rushing back into my life. She needed me. Many people had told me over the years that I should have completely cut ties but, I'm so glad I did not. I'm so glad I was able to forgive her and realize she just didn't have anything even remotely similar to use for empathy and compassion. We are closer now than we have ever been. I hope the same for you and your friend.

mrsmuelly said...

This is so very true. It's completely foreign to most people unless they have been there...and we don't want them to have to experience what we have. There are those few that "get it" without going through all the heartache, but most of them can't even fathom the pain. I think it shows true character that your friend is asking now and not still ignoring. Maybe she is realizing how real everything is? Good for you for keeping the friendship.