Saturday, September 19, 2009

AM I THE ONLY ONE?

I'll be laying in my bed, either just falling asleep or just waking up, and then it hits me. Out of no where.

My baby is dead.

I was pregnant last year.

I had a baby growing happily inside of me.

And she died.

It jolts me awake, and I can't shake the feeling of disbelief.

I can't believe that a year and a half later this still happens to me.

9 comments:

AKD said...

It usually happens to me super-early in the morning, around 4 a.m. (I don't think it helps that the sleeping pills my OB wear off around that time). It shocks me awake, and then I can't get back to sleep.

I am so sorry for your continued loss. Prayers are with you.

Kristy said...

Not being able to shake the feeling of disbelief... yep. Warm hugs from me... xo

JenJen said...

((hugs)) Reality can suck and hit like a ton of bricks.

I was crying yesterday about never being able to take Lily for a mani/pedi...

CLC said...

I have been feeling the same way!

Genkicat said...

I just came to your blog after linking to it from a comment you left on mine (thanks!). And I'm here on a Sunday morning crying as I read your story. I'm so very sorry for your loss, and so very inspired by your strength.

m said...

Holli, no. You are not the only one. My jolts usually come in the early morning hours, like AKD. And forget about falling back asleep. Trying hard not to dwell on the "this time last year..." feelings that bubble up more and more as we move into winter. Trying to look forward to a "this time next year" Or the next. Or the next.

Hugs to you today. And every day.

CFMama said...

I have never been in your position but I can relate. My mother passed away from cancer in 2002 and I have similar feelings. She never saw me get married, never met her grandson, etc. Praying for you.

I can only imagine how difficult the loss of a baby could be.

Aunt Becky said...

*hugs* Holli, I'm here. xoxo.

rachelbk said...

I lost my son over 4 years ago, and even though I've since had another one, I still think about who that little boy would be now and what he'd be doing. Along with his 2 older siblings, also lost before I knew if they were boys or girls. It sucks that we have to know this feeling.