HOW DOES IT FEEL?

I know in the back of their mind everyone is wondering how I'm feeling. Is this hard for me? Does it bring up bad memories?

Well, there was no need for me to worry about how much I would love him, because the second I saw him I fell in love. I can't get enough of him. Truth be told I'm glad he's not a girl. I don't know if that would have changed things, but I suspect it might have been harder.

I did not shed one tear at the hospital. I expected to feel some sort of sadness, but I didn't feel anything like that at all. I don't feel sad in anyway, which is kind of surprising, but not really.

Looking at the pictures of my new grandson with my older grandson all I can feel is... guilt. Yes, guilt. I really am overcome with a huge sense of guilt that we didn't have another baby sooner and give this to my son. Mason is so excited to have a little brother, and I remember how excited Brendan was that I was having a baby. I really wish we would have had another baby when he was little. I tried to talk my husband into trying, but he didn't want another one. He felt we had our hands full with the two kids we had. I know deep down he's right. There were a lot of things going on in our lives at that time... financially we couldn't have afforded it... I was taking care of my mother in law for a good two years... Jenna was a teenager from hell :)... there was just so many things that would have made it difficult.

But I know it wouldn't have been impossible. We could have made it work.

While I am totally in love with my new grandson, I can't help but feel guilty that we didn't give my son this same experience.

HE'S HERE...

...and he's healthy.

10 pounds 7 ounces. 22 inches long.

DUE DATE

I'm sorry for not posting earlier. My life has been insane lately.

I had no idea it's been so long since I posted.

Well, Jen came down with strep a few days after her amnio. Her midwife told her that an infection can make amnio results wacky, so they were thinking that is the reason for the immature results. She went in the next week planning on having another amnio, but the hospital wouldn't allow it. I think they just didn't want to admit it could have been lab error. Sothey sent her home again, and told her she has to wait until 39 weeks, which is this Friday.

I should add that after her last baby they told her that the way her uterus is tipped she will probably never go into labor on her own. So we are all aware that her labor will have to be induced.

Anyway, she went in today and requested a growth ultrasound. They estimated the baby to weigh 10 pounds 9 ounces! We have a friend who just had a 10 pound baby a few weeks ago (must be in the water) and the delivery was very tramatic. The baby had to spend more than a week in the NICU. Obviously, this scarred Jen, and so she decided to go ahead and schedule a c-section. Her first baby was almost 10 pounds, and he was very blue when he was born. I think she just wants to go the safest route, and I really feel like she is doing the right thing.

So, I will be having a new grandbaby this Friday. Squeeeee!

MY WEEK

This week has been just crazy. I've haven't been sleeping well; last night I resorted to benedryl. I. Am. EXHAUSTED.

Last Wednesday I took Jen to the doctors. We got to see the baby on 3D ultrasound. He is adorable! Fat chubby cheeks. His estimated weight at 36 weeks was 8 1/2 pounds. (Big baby!) He was breech and her fluid levels were very high (polyhydromnios). We live an hour from the hospital, and the doctors were concerned about cord prolapse. Well, to make a very long story short, after waiting at the hospital all day they decided to do a c-section. Her husband works out of town and would not be back in time, and she asked me to go in with her. I was so excited! They came in and shaved her belly, the anesthesiologist was there. We were minutes from the operating room. Last minute Dr. Fat Fingers (seriously largest hands I've ever seen an OB have) came in and did an ultrasound to check baby's position. Uh-oh. I see a head down by the pelvis. I knew this wasn't going to end with a baby today. It didn't. Sent us home. This made for a very unhappy mama.

Take her to the doctors again this Wednesday. Her fluid levels had went up again! Schedule her for an amnio on Friday and if baby's lungs are OK then an induction. Thursday she has to be taken to the ER because her blood pressure is 80/50. So low she is white at a sheet and can't answer simple questions. She is there all night and they decide to cut to the chase and do the amnio while she's there. Bad news. She's 37 weeks and the baby's lungs are still very immature. The doctor was not completely worried. He said there is the possibility of lab error, but didn't want to chance doing another anmnio. She home she goes again.

At this point the baby is over 9 pounds, she still has 3 weeks to go, and we are worried if he will be able to breath when he is born. Needless to say she is misrable and I am worried. I just keep telling myself it's only a few weeks, it will all be OK in the end, but I can't help but worry...

On a good note, my son got his mid term. Two A+'s! Two B's and all the rest were A's! SO PROUD OF HIM!

TODAY WE REMEMBER...

Don't forget to light a candle today at 7 pm. (October 15th)

My brother's tattoo that he got for Brenna.

CH-CH-CH-CHANGES!

The skylight in our bathroom leaked and damaged the ceiling. This lead to a (much needed) remodel in our bathroom. With the exception of some plumbing changes that we couldn't figure out, my husband and I did all the work ourselves. OK, he did most of the work. I just picked out the stuff. (Isn't that how it's supposed to be?)

Before

After

I took the palm tree pictures in Hawaii.

The results is so satisfying, that we are going to continue with the rest of the house. It's something we've always talked about, but never got around to doing.

I feel so good about this. I actually feel like a new person. Like I'm shedding the old parts of my life I didn't like.

Changing.