It seems that everyone is moving on. Except me. Almost every single person I met on babycenter or who's blog I read has went on to have another baby. People who didn't think they would ever carry another child, have went on to have healthy babies.
While I truely do feel joy for them, I can't help but feel jealous. I can't have that.
While I really am greatful for my job, I can't help but think every now and then that I shouldn't be working. I should be home with a one year old.
When I look at my son I feel incredible guilt that he does not have a sibling close in age. I feel like he's been robbed of something special.
I do not know why this Christmas is so hard for me. You would think the the first Christmas would have been the hardest. But this Christmas is brutal. I have been missing Brenna more than ever lately.
It feels like everyone is moving one without me.
I started this blog in 2008 after the stillbirth of my daughter. Now it's not just about loss, but about life.
3 comments:
I'm sorry Holly. This Christmas has been really hard on me this year too. It seems like I'm in the pissed off stage, I am so mad that Tyler isn't here with us. I wasn't expecting this year to be as hard as last year. I also feel an incredible amount of guilt at being able to have another baby when there are so many that I love that can't. I know that it hurts even though it's not intentional for either one of us. Anyway, love you and big hugs. I'm ready for holidays not to suck ...
Kara
I am so sorry Holly. Nothing I could say would make you feel better, I know. I just wish you a super Chrismas and hope something really special happens to heal your heart. Hugs to you.
I started coming to the m/c boards in 2007 - the 'old' boards, remember? Well I just come back every now and again, to check on the names I remember. It may not help you, but those of us who really can't have a baby just lurk. You're not alone, we all just hide in the shadows. Happy for those who are living the dream, but really - what can we say?!?! I'm going to get a happy ending - but it's not the happy ending I had planned. :) Hang in there.
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