Saturday, December 12, 2009

MOVING ON

It seems that everyone is moving on. Except me. Almost every single person I met on babycenter or who's blog I read has went on to have another baby. People who didn't think they would ever carry another child, have went on to have healthy babies.

While I truely do feel joy for them, I can't help but feel jealous. I can't have that.

While I really am greatful for my job, I can't help but think every now and then that I shouldn't be working. I should be home with a one year old.

When I look at my son I feel incredible guilt that he does not have a sibling close in age. I feel like he's been robbed of something special.

I do not know why this Christmas is so hard for me. You would think the the first Christmas would have been the hardest. But this Christmas is brutal. I have been missing Brenna more than ever lately.

It feels like everyone is moving one without me.

3 comments:

Mom to 2 boys +? said...

I'm sorry Holly. This Christmas has been really hard on me this year too. It seems like I'm in the pissed off stage, I am so mad that Tyler isn't here with us. I wasn't expecting this year to be as hard as last year. I also feel an incredible amount of guilt at being able to have another baby when there are so many that I love that can't. I know that it hurts even though it's not intentional for either one of us. Anyway, love you and big hugs. I'm ready for holidays not to suck ...
Kara

MendedHeart said...

I am so sorry Holly. Nothing I could say would make you feel better, I know. I just wish you a super Chrismas and hope something really special happens to heal your heart. Hugs to you.

TeriH said...

I started coming to the m/c boards in 2007 - the 'old' boards, remember? Well I just come back every now and again, to check on the names I remember. It may not help you, but those of us who really can't have a baby just lurk. You're not alone, we all just hide in the shadows. Happy for those who are living the dream, but really - what can we say?!?! I'm going to get a happy ending - but it's not the happy ending I had planned. :) Hang in there.