MIA

I know I've been MIA lately, but I just don't have anything interesting to say.

This Christmas just didn't even seem like Christmas. I didn't have much Christmas spirit, that's for sure. Now that Christmas has passed I actually feel better. December 21st came and went and I didn't even notice (that's the day I found out I was pregnant). I can not believe it's been two years.

My husband and I are going away for New Years. The past two New Years have really sucked for us (actually more than the past few!). Two years ago I was pregnant and bleeding, and stuck in bed. Last year our cat was dying and we spent all day at the vet, then we fell asleep and missed our party. This year I'm determined to make it a good New Years! DETERMINED.

I'm looking forward to going away and spending time alone with my husband.

2009 was a better year than 2008 (which wasn't hard becase 2008 was, undoubtedly, the worst year of my life!), but I'm hoping that 2010 is even better.

Have a happy and safe New Years everyone.

LOCKS OF LOVE

http://www.locksoflove.org/

MERRY CHRISTMAS

I wanted a way to recognize Brenna on our Christmas cards again this year. I wasn't sure how to do that, so I ended up putting a dragonfly next to our names. I'm sure I will incorporate it into our cards every year.

BABY WEEK

I think this past week was baby week. I can count at least four "rainbow" babies that were born last week. If I got back a month or so, there are tons that were born. I am happy for every single person who got to bring home a baby. That goes without saying. But after while, I just got... I don't know... sick of hearing about it, I guess. I was tired of congratulating. Tired of well-wishing. It was the same thing over and over. They have what I want. Even though I am truely happy for them, I'm tired of sharing in everyone else's joy. I know that's not very "Christmas-y" of me. But I'm just being honest. I don't even have anything to write these days. I am becoming a Grinch.

DIRTY LITTLE SECRET

It's Sunday, and checking out Post Secret has become part of my Sunday ritual. Enjoy!

A PIG A DAY

I collect these figurines. My mom started buying them for me years ago. They don't make them anymore, but I still have a pretty large collection.

Everyday this week, my son has given me a new figurine. The best part is that a lot of thought was put into the figurine selected. Monday's figurine was called "This Little Piggy Ate Roast Beef" and has a pig with a big sub sandwich. It made me laugh because I knew why they bought it. My son and I like to go to lunch at our favorite sub place. He always gets the beef.

My week has been horrible, but I can't help but feel loved.

THE SHOE HAS DROPPED

Wow. Remember when I said I was waiting for the other shoe to drop? Well, it has. This month is horrible!

My brother-in-law's house burned down on Sunday night. It was a beautiful old farmhouse that had been in the family for more than 100 years. Their three cats died. No one else was hurt, thank God, but they lost everything. It was heartbreaking to feel so helpless. There was nothing to do but watch it burn.

Not that any of my problems compare to that, but this week month has just plain sucked.

I had an emergency at work and my boss didn't answer so I ended up having to go into work at 2 am Monday morning. I hadn't slept, and I was totally exhausted and pissed.

My husband's car took a dump. It's going to cost too much to fix it. He's not working right now, so it looks like we will be a one car family for awhile.

My washing machine (which we just bought a few years ago) burned up over the weekend.

Oh, and our Christmas tree feel down- twice- yesterday. The ornament for my husband's parents (who are both deceased) broke.

This is just what has happened since friday. Seriously!

The other shoe has dropped!

MOVING ON

It seems that everyone is moving on. Except me. Almost every single person I met on babycenter or who's blog I read has went on to have another baby. People who didn't think they would ever carry another child, have went on to have healthy babies.

While I truely do feel joy for them, I can't help but feel jealous. I can't have that.

While I really am greatful for my job, I can't help but think every now and then that I shouldn't be working. I should be home with a one year old.

When I look at my son I feel incredible guilt that he does not have a sibling close in age. I feel like he's been robbed of something special.

I do not know why this Christmas is so hard for me. You would think the the first Christmas would have been the hardest. But this Christmas is brutal. I have been missing Brenna more than ever lately.

It feels like everyone is moving one without me.

I'M STILL HERE

I just don't have much to say these days. I'm not feeling very full of the Christmas spirit. My birthday is coming up. I'm just feeling blah, and I'm not much fun lately.

SINGING

I recently realized that I don't sing in the car anymore. It used to be that whenever I was in the car by myself I would sing my heart out. If I was mad, belting out a song helped me feel better. If I was nervous, singing would help me relax. If I was happy, it made me happier.

I am by no means a good singer. In fact, I suck.

I still enjoyed singing in the car.

But I don't sing anymore. Not since I lost my baby.

Tomorrow, on my way to work, I'm turning up the radio and singing my little heart out!