Saturday, March 27, 2010


Today it's been two years since I created this blog. I wrote this post.

I can not thank you enough for being there for me when I really needed it.

I tell everyone who's just lost a child that blogging was the single thing that helped the most.

I truely mean that.

Sunday, March 21, 2010


Last week I felt a very sharp pain on my right side. It surprised me and actually too my breath away. I was telling my friend who's in the medical field what happened. She laughed and said, "You probably just ovulated".

It's been so long since I ovulated I forgot when I felt like!!!

What caused me to ovulate? I suffer from PCOS and rarely "drop an egg" as my husband so lovingly calls it.

My doctor usually puts me on the Pill and has told me that if needed he'll prescribe gulcophage. (I haven't taken that yet). The Pill was making my hormones go nuts, so I finally decided to look into a natural way to take care of this.

I found this website about a month ago. Since then I have been taking a good multi vitamin, Chaste Tree (Vitex) and Gymnema. I have to say the results are evident. I just feel better overall. My current cycle was 28 days on the dot (I don't even know when the last time that happened- literally years!). When I had my period it wasn't super heavy like it sometimes is, just a regular flow that lasted three days. I am not hungry all the time, and I can tell that my blood sugar isn't rising and then crashing like it used to.

Saturday, March 20, 2010


I'm not happy to tell you this, but I'm fat. I partly blame my PCOS (which I'll post about tomorrow) and I mostly blame myself. I used to be very, very thin. After I had my son I noticed that I was breaking out like a teenager, and my hormones went nuts. I lost the weight right away after he was born. But then I started having irregular periods, lots of ovarian cysts, and weight gain. I'm kind of mad that none of my doctors put these symptoms together and diagnosed me (I ended up diagnosing myself and taking my suspicions to my doctor!). I'd like to blame all the weight gain on my PCOS, but the truth is it's my fault.

I like food. I don't like sweets or candy, I like dinner! I like to eat out. I also don't get as much exercise as I should. Before I moved out here to the country I walked or rode my bike all the time. Out here there aren't sidewalks and I live on a main road. I actually have to get into my car and drive somewhere so I can go for a walk! It's kind of ridiculous! But there are other things I can do for exercise and I know it.

We bought a Wii Fit a while ago and I used it today. It mocked me. (My grandson asked me why my Mii Character had it's belly hanging out!!!) I was also surprised to realize I hadn't used it in over 200 days. In fact, before today I used it twice.

I see unflattering pictures of myself and I want to delete them all. Wouldn't it just be easier to lose the weight?

We've been making subtle changes around here. We've been planning out a menu each week, and sticking to actually cooking rather than going out for dinner. (We still usually go out on the weekends.) It's not only saving money, it's healthier. My husband and I have made a pact that we will workout on the Wii at least 3 days a week for at least 30 minutes each time. I've basically cut out soda. I don't buy it anymore. After a few days, I don't even want it! I do still have one occasionally, but I'd say I went from drinking 3-5 a day to drinking 1-2 a week. It's a big improvement.

We are going to Hawaii in July. I've set a goal for myself to loose 20 pounds in three months. I'd like to lose more by I want to keep my goal attainable. I also want to be accountable, so I've added a ticker at the top of this blog. Every time I come here I will see that thing staring at me, and I'll know that you all know if I'm not doing what I said I'd do.

Here goes nothing. Today is the day.

And, as your reward for reading this incredibly boring post. One of those "unflattering" pictures I was telling you about:

And you thought I was exaggerating.

Saturday, March 13, 2010


She would have been two. Seems so wierd to say that. Two years have gone by, and I seriously can't believe it. Crazy. Some days it seems like 100 years ago, other days it seems like yesterday. What a long, crazy ride this grief has been.

Her birthday was good. Well, not good, but OK. You know what I mean.

My step-daughter sent me flowers to work, and everyone wanted to know what they were for. I didn't want to talk about it and I just told them it was because she loved me. Later when we were alone, my boss pointed to the flowers and asked "Does this have something to do with the baby?" "Yes" I said. "Her birthday" "How old would she have been?" "Two".

That was the first time I said it out loud.

It didn't sound any better coming out of my mouth than it did in my head.

My mom and step-dad came over to visit. They went to the cemetary, but there was so much snow there wasn't much to see. They brought an adorable statue of a baby laying in angel wings. I love it.

My son "got something in his eye" at school and my husband had to go pick him up.

I did fine all day. It didn't bother me that out of 5 sibilings, only one brother called me. It didn't bother me that not one of my friends said anything. It didn't bother me that my dad didn't call me. It didn't bother me that my husband didn't really say anything. OK I'm lying. It bothered me A LOT. But, in deadbabyland, it's something you get used to.

People forget our dead babies.

Friday, March 5, 2010


I can not believe it's been two years since I held you.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


Brenna's birthday is on Friday. I'm torn between thinking it's just another day one minute, and then wanting to cry the next.