While in Chicago I had a revelation.
I was taking a break at one of the many museums we went to. My husband and son had run off together to do something fantastic that I wasn't interested in. While I waited for them to come back I just stood back and watched people. I saw lots of cute kids running around. I began to think about what it would be like to have another baby. I was thinking about what another baby would look like. Just then an adorable kid with the curliest hair I've ever seen came walking by. I thought to myself, "I want Brenna to have hair like that." That thought was quickly followed by "What did I just say?"
It dawned on me that I was not thinking about another baby. I was thinking about her. When I picture myself having another baby I actually picture her. Right then and there I realized that my want for another baby was actually more about wanting her. If I am really honest, I have to admit that one of the reasons I want another baby is because I think it will fill the hole that losing her created. It's not easy or fun to admit that. But it is the truth.
While I'm at it I must also admit that I am selfish. When I am sad about Brenna's death, I'm sad for me, not her. I know she is OK. I am sad because I want her here with me. And that is so selfish. But I am only human. I have always wanted a baby girl. I had dreams for her. I was over the moon when I found out I was pregnant. When she died it was the lowest point of my life. I lost those dreams. I was sad for me, because I would never see those dreams fulfilled.
I've been on this grief ride for a long time now. I know how it works. When you think you're fine you realize you aren't. When you think you can't take it anymore, you realize you can. Lately, I've been thinking about her alot. I'm not sure why. Nothing has happened to make me miss her more.
I just do.