Sunday, January 9, 2011


Whenever I hear about another stillbirth, I think back to the beginning of my experience. I go back to that time. I remember how helpless I felt in those first few days. Days? I should say weeks and even months. I read back through this blog and it's like a diary of the journey I've been on. There are some things I would have forgotten, and I'm so happy I've written them down. No matter what, when I read theose words it takes me back to that time. I can remember it vividly.

When I first lost Brenna, I first wanted to know "why?", and secondly I wanted to talk with other people who had experienced loss. I wanted to know it was going to get better. I wanted to know there was hope. There was a time that I literally could not see a future. I would try to think of something to be look forward to, and I couldn't think of anything. Life seemed like a long dark tunnel.

If you are reading this and your loss is still fresh, please know that it does get better. It gets easier. You will be OK.

I think back to that time and I think a few things helped me:

I blogged. A lot. Not all of the posts were published, but I saved them as drafts so I could read them at a later time.

I cried. A lot. I never really cried in front of anyone. Almost always when I was alone.

I found an online support group. I suggest Baby Center's Second and Third Trimester Loss group. It was important to vent to other women who understood why seeing a baby made me want to die inside.

Most importantly, I allowed myself to be sad but I didn't allow the sadness to overtake me. I could very easily have stayed in bed all day. Instead, I allowed myself to have a crying fit in the morning, and then got out of bed after a half hour. Had I stayed in bed, the sadness would easily have overtaken me. But I knew that I needed to experience the feelings I had if I was ever going to get over it. I allowed myself to experience it, but I didn't let it overtake my life.

It's been almost three years since my daughter was stillborn. I used to hate when people would call baby loss a journey. But now I know why they do. Because it's just that- a journey. You have to get to the other side of it, and that can sometimes be a difficult struggle, but you will get there.

I recently heard something* that really hit home with me:

"It'll be OK when it's all over. And if it's not OK- then it's not over."

I think that especially applies to the grieving process. It will be OK in the end.

*Ok, I heard this on Giuliana & Bill. Don't judge me. Bill it hot.


Anonymous said...

I just wanted you to know I think of you and your family often. You inspired me in my times of need and gave me strength to get out of bed. Thank you!

Coming from the inside said...

I would first like to say that I'm sorry about your loss and up to know i never heard anyone story about their stillbirth expereince.. I've been alone in my struggle for almost five year this March 27.Reading your blog sent me in to uncontrolable tears. I still hurt like it was just yesterday. The pain for me eased just a lil. Each day for me is different. I wanted my son more than anything in this world. I could remember wishing that i would die there on the table so that i could be with my son. I dont think i have allow my pain to overtake me on most days but i really never dealt with my loss. Still to date I cry when i see kids just thinking of the thought of being a parent. I've questioned God why me? I;m just getting over the fact of being mad at God. Its hurting my heart now just sitting here writing this note to you. I pray that one day when i think of my son the tears i cry will be of happiness not of sadness. Will i ever be able to live thru this pain? Well i'll stop here because i could go on for days. Thank you for listening. {{{ A Childless Mother}}}

Kristi said...

Oh that quote is great and so very true.

honeywine said...

I can't even begin to imagine that pain. Just the other day I finally was able to confirm that the situation with my ex-husband was a miscarriage. I cried for days when it happened, but even then I don't think I really allowed myself to accept that it was real. I can truly understand the difference in seeing Brenna and in all the other painful knives...even that she had a name. I tried very hard over the years to convince myself that I was just extremely "late", but recent events shattered that illusion I had built for myself. I'm glad that you can blog and tell what you want to the rest of the world. It's a very special gift to be able to release those inner thoughts. There is a strength in it even when no one seems to be listening/reading.

Thank you for your comment. I don't know if I can blog anymore even though I want to and probably desperately NEED to write some of this down. I started to feel like that monster from the tv show Angel when he talked about how much of your power you give up when you let people know things about you. Blogging let me give up some power that I really needed to let go of. But, at the same time, I was open and vulnerable in this two year war with Mull (I hate to call it that but nothing else fits), and I've had good reason to be paranoid. Over just the last year, I've had my computer broken into by one of the kids and one of Paladin's family members basically turned and started cozying up to Mull (talk about a long story there). Things between us and Mull are "quiet" not good but it's been like a Mexican standoff for the last several months. If all goes well, in March, she plans to return to Germany FOREVER leaving us with full custody. I don't want to risk that and although the things going on with me shouldn't have any bearing on that...I honestly don't know what or how she thinks. More to the point, I don't want her to have any clue as to how I'm feeling or what is going on with me and Paladin. It's definitely cured me of the "wouldn't it be cool to be a spy" fantasy forever. :(

No judgements about Guiliana and Bill. I never could stand them (they just seem such shallow caricatures), but their infertility struggle has made me a little more tolerant of them.

Crystal Theresa said...

That is a really great quote. It's really hard to see things ever being okay in the beginning of this grief "journey." Thank you for your continued honesty. {hugs}