A few weeks ago he send me a message of facebook. It was written at 6 am and I doubt he was sober when he wrote it. I read the message while I was at work, and it basically said that he was going to end up in prison and when he did that we should all "forget about" him. I was so fed up with this attitude that I relied back and laid it out on the table:
"J****, you are the only person who can change your life. What the hell is so bad about your life? You don't have a girlfriend, who gives a fuck. You don't have a job? Take that opportunity to get some training. You always look at the bad side, you never look on the bright side of anything. For some reason you think you have it harder than everyone else. When the truth is many people will love to be in your position. You can do anything you want right now. But you have to make it happen. Instead you choose to sit around and feel sorry for yourself! Get your head out of your ass and do something with your life. Right now your big plan is life is to end up in prison. Do you even listen to yourself? Do you seriously think than anyone of us is just going to walk away from you? You know that is never going to happen. Instead of being happy with what you do have, you focus all your energy on what you don't have. You act like you are some terrible person, or that you are the only one who has bad thoughts. We all do, J****. You are not so unique. You have this thing where you always have to be the worst. If I say someone did something you're like, Well I did it even worse than that... Newsflash: You are not a terrible person. You have a good heart. We all love you. Be thankful for that. Get off your ass and do something to better yourself. You are not going to find a better life while sitting on your couch with a beer in your hand. I finally found a good job, and things are going right for me right now. Do you think that just happened out of no where? No. I put myself through college. I applied to literally 100's of jobs. Two years ago my life sucked. I know how you feel because I have never been so depressed in my life. But I did not let it consume me. Instead I made the decision every day to get out of bed and take a shower and do something. (Even though I could easily have stayed in bed all day). Because I knew that if I didn't I wasn't going to get better. I wasn't going to move on. Don't think for one second that was easy, because it wasn't. It was horrible. It was hard. But I made it through. It took a long time. A long time. Just now, two and a half years later, I can look at a baby and not die inside. And I mean literally die. I would feel a physical pain that I can not even describe. I would put on a good face so no one would know, but inside I was a disaster. I know how it feels. But I also know that NO ONE was going to make me get out of it but me. And no one can make you feel better but you. Instead of focusing on the bad, you need to start focusing what you do have. You said you looked so happy in that pic from when you lived with me. Don't you remember how much you hated living out here? 10 years from now you are going to look back on this time and wonder what you were so pissed off about. That is how life works. It feel terrible at the time, but then you look back and realize it wasn't so bad."
And just like that, he changed. He was at a point where he wouldn't even attend family functions anymore. This past Labor Day he came and we had a fantastic time. We all can see a change in him.
He told me that he never even realized losing Brenna would effect me so deeply, or for so long. He had no idea the pain I was carrying. (I am mostly to blame for this, because I kept it all inside.) He really thought he was the only one who felt this way.
Then he went and got a memorial tattoo with Brenna's name on it.
