Wednesday, August 31, 2011


My husband went back to work for his old company about a  month ago. Although I appreciate the extra money, I really miss having him around. I loved working with him. I look back on that time as some of the best in my life. We still plan on opening our own business, but we are not on the fast track to that right now. School is much more time consuming than I remembered, and with him working there isn't any reason to hurry it. We want to take our time and do it right.

I spoke about my previous employer before (here), and it seems like the story never ends. I received an anonymous letter in the mail, but by the postmark (and handwriting) I could tell it came from my former employer. When I opened it up I found a copy of the statement that my former boss sent to my state contesting my unemployment. Keep in mind that I received nothing but rave reviews and was even given a $5 per hour raise after only a few months there. Five month before I was "laid off" they paid for my husband and I to go to Hawaii for 10 days! Obviously I was doing something right.

I'm coming to realize that I am very naive about the world. I had no idea that someone could make things up like that. I really mean it. He had me working on days I wasn't working, even dates I wasn't any longer employed! The entire statement was one lie after another, capped off with him saying that I continue to contact clients and cause trouble for the company. In this field your client base is constantly changing. Since I haven't worked there for almost nine months, how would I know who their clients are? Better yet, how would I know their contact information?

Naturally this letter has me upset. I want to rebut the lies he said, but I don't know what the purpose of that would be. I have half a mind to write him a letter, call him out on all his lies, and CC the corporate office so they know what is going on as well. (Although, they are like most corporate offices and don't care what happens as long as they are getting royalties.)

What do you think? What would you do if you were in my position?

Edited for clarification: He had already submitted this to the state months ago. I had been keeping a log, so I sent copies of that to Unemployment. They found in my favor within a week (unheard of in my state). I just want to send this letter to make myself feel better. There really isn't any other reason to write it. Just to make my side of the story heard. I don't know... what would you do?

Sunday, August 28, 2011


Tomorrow I start college (again). My son also starts high school the same day. I can not believe it.

I remember when he was born, I dreaded the day he turned 12, the day he started high school, and the day he would turn 18. I have passed one of those days, I'm facing one tomorrow, and the other seems far off but I know it isn't.

Oh, and on a funny sad funny note, my son is taking a higher math class than I am!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011


My original due date with Brenna was August 8, 2008. (8/8/08). I remember at the time thinking it was the coolest thing ever.

I now know that this due date was way off, I have female problems and at first didn't realize I was even pregnant. So even though this date isn't accurate, I still consider it my due date. My doctor didn't get a chance to do the anatomy scan and issue a new due date. My uterus ruptured before that happened.

I remember the first August 8th after she died. I thought I may die myself. I did not want to face that day. I wanted to stay in bed all weekend. My husband's side of the family was having a reunion that weekend. One which we didn't plan on going to since I was supposed to be delivering a baby. But the baby had already been delivered, and buried, so we went to the reunion. No one probably knew it, but I was dying inside.

This is my third August 8th without her, and to be honest I didn't realize the date until late last night. I didn't even really think about it.

When you lose a baby, it seems that your life is made up on dates: The day you found out your were pregnant. The day you told your parents. The day you first had an ultrasound. The day you found out the sex. The day you were due. The day they died. The day you buried them... Dates.

The first year after you lose them you remember each and every date with painful precision. This time last year I was (fill in the blank).  It seems like we torture ourselves with these dates. We seem to think that if we don't remember relive them then we are forgetting our children.

I've come to realize that a day is just a day. August 8th isn't any different that August 7th or August 9th. It's just a day. I don't miss her any more on August 8th than I do other days of the year.

I choose not to give those dates any power in my life. Instead I chose to remember my child however and whenever I want.


Monday, August 8, 2011


I used to think that people who committed suicide were selfish. I never thought about the mental state they must be in, or how hopeless their life must seem. I never thought beyond the act. What causes someone to take their own life? Especially someone who has a family that they love, and who loves them?

We recently lost a friend who took his own life. To say that my husband and I (and our whole community for that matter) were shocked would be an understatement. We all knew he was having problems at home, but this was a person who always had a smile on his face and always volunteered his time. No one ever realized how hurt he was inside. He had many, many friends. What surprises me is that no one knew how painful his life was. My husband and I saw him the day before he died, he was with his family out in the yard and we had no idea anything was wrong. The next morning he left at 8 am to go to a meeting (like he did every week), but  drove to a desolate spot and killed himself. Several people saw  him that morning and had no idea what he intended to do. Lots of people saw him the night before and said he was in good spirits, laughing and joking all night.

His family was understandably devastated. As I watched them at the funeral all I could think of was how they must be feeling. How sad they are going to be without him. He has a brand new grandbaby who is only a few weeks old, and another one is on the way in a few months. They are going to grow up without him. How could he do that to them? Did he really think they were better off without him?

As I watched them during the funeral all I could think was that his actions told them that they were not enough. Their love was not enough. His problems were bigger than they were. His problems were more important than them.

I know that is not how he truly felt, but his actions spoke otherwise.

I don't really understand suicide. I know what it's like to be depressed, I even know what it's like to feel hopeless. Deep, endless hopelessness with nothing to look forward to... It's a scary place to be.

But I never wanted to hurt myself. I never even thought about it.

Because my family is enough.

They are enough to keep me going. For me to want to be alive. Even when I wasn't really enjoying life, I still loved them.

That was enough for me.

I wish it had been enough for my friend.