"We are burying Brenna on Thursday".
I haven't blogged about this because, quite honestly, I didn't want to have to face it, and I didn't want to think about it at all.
There was a problem at the cemetery. My husband and I own six plots, but we couldn't pin point which six. Today my husband went and sat down with them and figured it out. I didn't know he was going to do this. When I came home he asked me what my plans were for the rest of the week.
"Why, what's up?"
"Nothing"
"You're acting weird"
Pause. "We're burying Brenna on Thursday."
The last thing I expected to hear. He has plans of going down there and being at the grave site, but I don't want to go. I just don't want to deal with it. I know it's going to happen, but I don't want to see it. I don't want to be there at all. That probably makes me the worse mother in the world. I feel so guilty about it. I really, really hate that I feel that way. But I just don't have the strength to deal with it. I'm finally feeling up, and I know that this is going to pull me right back down. But, I can't make my husband go alone either! I don't know what to do. I'll admit it-- I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'm going to fall apart and be one of those hysterical moms. That is not me, and I am scarred shitless that I will become that. I really am the most selfish person in the entire world. I'm not going to my daughter's grave site because I might cry!?!
I am pathetic.
I started this blog in 2008 after the stillbirth of my daughter. Now it's not just about loss, but about life.
3 comments:
Holli - whatever you decide to do, know that all of us moms are there with you, in spirit, to help hold you up and sending you our love and peace. And Brenna is always with you too.
You and Brenna are in my thoughts. You are ok and you will be ok.
the deleted post was from me, I had a typo that I wanted to fix.
Honey, this is easily the hardest thing I can possibly imagine to do. I'm sending you love and light to both you and Brenna.
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