This Sucks.

Yes, burying my dead baby is the most horrible thing I've ever had to do in my entire life.

I've realized that this blog seems like I am some kind of depressed, suicidal lunatic. I assure you that is not the case. It just seems like I am always sad and depressed because this is the ONLY place where I talk about those feelings. (I'm sure that's not healthy) In reality, I'm a lot of fun (if I do say so myself). I enjoy life tremendously. I laugh all the time, and find a joke in everything.

One of my favorite things about Brenna's funeral (that sentence just seems so wrong) is at the luncheon. A local group of women cooked food for us and all of our "guests". It was really wonderful. Anyway, after the lunch we were all sitting there, and a lot of my friends were meeting for the first time because geographically they are spread out all over. My good friend A who I've know since junior high told us a hysterical story, and we all just laughed and laughed. I had tears streaming down my face, and it wasn't because I was sad. I remember thinking to myself at that moment that this was exactly how I wanted to remember of her funeral. Laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.

That is exactly how I live my life. I laugh all the time. I remember a new co-worker describing me, and she said, "She laughs a lot" and I thought it was the greatest compliment.

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Hello my home is looking like a green house. I have never been good at keeping plants alive (my son jokingly tells me not to touch them or they will die- it's that bad). We recieved tons and tons of plants for Brenna's memorial. I had to give some away because I just didn't have room for them all. But, I am proud to say, all of the plants are still alive. Well, except for two ivy plants I tried to seperate and transpants. Killed them. Other than that they are really doing well, and I'm so happy. I had to buy plant stands because there are so many of them, and I didn't have anyplace for them to go. To the left is a pic of my favorite. It's from an old co-worker, Missy, who has become a great friend. I really miss working with her, but everytime I look at this Peace Lilly I think of her. (See the cherub on the floor there? My festival committee sent that to me at the funeral home also. I just can't put her outside though. I'm afraid she'll break.)

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My aunt had to take the day off from work to attend Brenna's funeral. She had a co-worker cover for her, and told her what had happened. The co-worker told her 92-year-old grandfather, and he was so touched he made these for me.

I am so touched by this. I don't know if you can tell in the picture, but there is a lot of detail in these. They are both made of wood, but I have no idea how he cut them out. He said to tell me that only one other person has the one on the right, and that is his granddaughter who's pregnant. I am just so touched by the generosity and genuine caring from someone I've never even met. I'm speachless. I don't even know what to say about it. It's just so wonderful.

I wasn't sure where to hang them, so I added one to pictures of my family. Now, when I look at those pictures, I don't feel like someone is missing.