"I should be..."

I catch myself thinking that several times a day. It doesn't come with the intense pain that it used to come with. Just a sense of emptiness that I don't think will ever go away. I have come to realize that I will probably have that sense of "something missing" for the rest of my life. I've come to embrace it and accept it. Although I feel the emptiness, I don't feel the crushing pain anymore. I have my moments. Like yesterday when a friend gave birth to healthy baby girl. I don't think it would have hurt as much if it was a boy. Girls still hurt.

My due date is in 3 weeks. I have mixed feelings. I kind of feel guilty because I feel like it's just another day. I don't feel a particular attachment to that day. I feel like March 5th is her birthday and that is the day I will remember her on. My son wasn't born on his due date, and I don't think of him when his due date rolls around.

This time of year is kind of hard, however. I had planned on being hugely pregnant right now. I had planned on having my shower this past weekend. I had planned on having my baby early, and expected her next weekend. I hadn't planned on her dying.

There is a blog named This Is Not What I Had Planned and I love that name. I think that name says it all. None of this has went according to plan. Nothing turned out the way I thought it would. But I've come to accept it. Not to get all preachy on you, but I do believe I am where I'm supposed to be. I do believe my life is in God's hands.

That is the only way I can accept what happened. Otherwise, it just doesn't make any sense.