I can't believe this is my 70th post. I don't feel any different than I did when I wrote the first post 3 months ago. Physically I am pretty much healed (expect for last weekend when I picked up a 50 pound bag of dogfood. Ouch!). Mentally, I am doing my best, but far from healed.
This week has been a busy week for me. I am the VP of our local festival, and it's this weekend. Lots of things to do this week. Even during all the hustle and bustle, I still think of her. Today I was looking through my drawers for something, and came across her memory box. I had to open it and look inside. Her three pregnancy tests were in there. They were still positive. I stared at those test for a long, long time. I've never told anyone this, but I'd taken some tests in the past few years, in the hopes that I *might* have been pregnant. They have always been negative. Those three tests are the only positive tests I've ever had in my life. (Never took any w/ my son). I stared at them for a long time. I just can't believe where my life is right now. I had so many plans for us, and although I try to pretend that I'm OK with it, I'm not.
Truth be told, I am still pissed that my baby is dead. I am angry, and confused. I am sick of crying. I just want to be normal again.
I am afraid this is my new normal.
Will I ever be able to look at another baby again? Will I ever be able to have another baby? Will I ever be able to concentrate on anything without thoughts of her slipping into my head?
We had a baby poll going. I guessed she would be born next friday. I never thought she wouldn't make it. In the grand scheme of things, I just didn't even see this coming. I honestly thought that this was my gift. My miracle baby. My little girl. I think next friday is going to be harder for me than her due date.
I think every day is going to be hard for me, for the rest of my life.
I don't feel as hopeless as I did a few weeks ago. But I still feel very... blah. I can't even think of a word to describe it. I just feel here.
Surviving.
But not living.
The life has been sucked out of me.
I really hope this is not my new normal.
I started this blog in 2008 after the stillbirth of my daughter. Now it's not just about loss, but about life.
2 comments:
*hugs*
Holli, you know I wish I could make it all better for you. I'm so damn sorry for everything.
Holli,
I feel the same way. The words you write could be my words. I never saw it coming and some days I wake up and can't believe it(or don't want to). If I could only turn back the clock and fix it. I'm afraid it is our new normal.
Tomorrow is my birthday and I could care less. I can't remember feeling this way about my birthday, ever! I keep thinking about last year on my birthday - how blessed I felt because I found out that I was pregnant. I remember thinking it is the best birthday present ever - nothing can top this. Now a year later - a baby is dead and I have a slim to no chance for a future pregnancy. I wish I could sleep through tomorrow.
((((hugs)))))
Madeline Avedon
(from Yahoo Uterine Support Group)
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