Dragonflies

Many mothers in deadbabyland use butterflies as a way to remember their babies. They buy butterfly charms, or decorations. They see butterflies and think of their baby. For me it has been dragonflies. I don't know why. I want her headstone to have a dragonfly on it. For some reason since she has been gone I've always thought of her when I've seen or thought of dragonflies.

Saturday we went to my brother-in-laws birthday party. It was way out in the country, on a dirt road even. This same brother-in-law just had his daughter's wedding a few months ago, and of course I went to her shower and wedding. There was this lady who is a friend of theirs from church, who was pregnant. I assumed we were due about the same time. (I remember back when we found out the wedding date I thought I would be hugely pregnant by that time.) Well she was at the birthday party. So was her new baby.

It hasn't bothered me for quite some time. But it really bothered me when I saw the brand new baby. It was a girl of course. I tried to avoid looking at her, but I caught myself a few times. It was harder than I wanted it to be.

As we were leaving, all of the sudden my son says, "Look at that". I look out into the field behind us, and there were literally hundreds of dragonflies flying around. Hundreds. I don't know what was going on, but it was amazing. I've never seen anything like that in my life. My son says they were mating, but I didn't see it.

All I saw was hundreds of wings, telling me Brenna says hello.

You can see a little bit on the above video. In real life, you could see way more.

I Know You Know

My blog had been breached. Well, not really. My blogging is no secret to anyone in my life. I obviously have not made any attempts to hide my identity. Holli is my real name, that really is a picture of my husband and I on my profile. (I do try to hide my location though, too many crazies out there!)

Anyway, my husband doesn't read my blog very often. I think he's read it once before. He doesn't browse the Internet often, and he honestly doesn't have much free time so he just doesn't get around to reading it.

Yesterday I woke up after him. He was making coffee and we talked. He made a comment (jokingly) about me hating him. I knew immediately that he had read this post. I know this man like the back of my hand. We've been together for 13 years. I knew it was his way of telling me that he knew, and leaving the door open for me to talk about it when I am ready.

I'm not sure it hurt his feelings exactly, but I'm sure it didn't make him feel good. He knows that I wanted another baby when our son was little. He knows the only reason we didn't try was because of him. Then I developed "female problems", and knew I was infertile and it wasn't an issue anymore. I do remember when I found out I wasn't ovulating anymore, and the doctor told me I probably wasn't going to have anymore babies. It upset me. Not because I was planning on having more babies, but because that is what women as supposed to do. We are the baby makers. It really bothered me. I remember telling my husband, and he seemed happy. Relieved that we didn't have to worry about birth control anymore. I on the other hand felt broken.

Needless to say, he wasn't exactly jumping with joy when I found out I was pregnant with Brenna. It wasn't what I had planned either, but it was a welcomed surprise. He grew used to the idea. He told me he hoped it was a girl because he knew I wanted a girl so badly. He was distraught when we lost her. He is an emotional person to begin with, but he was a wreck at the hospital. I distinctly remember him saying how ironic it was that we were so unsure of having a baby when we found out, but now look at how devastating it was to loose her.

We have talked at length about my surgery and recovery. About Brenna. But, I know you aren't going to believe me when I tell you this because I pour my guts out to you almost everyday, but I am a very private person. In real life you would never know how I feel. I think I take after my mother in that aspect. I can count the times on one hand that I have seen her cry. My son can say the same about me. Anyway, my husband and I have talked very little about how horrible this has been for me. We've talked, but honestly I don't like revealing that part of myself. It makes me feel weak, and I don't like feeling that way. So I prefer not to tell anyone how hard it was to hold a new baby for the first time, how I would see a pregnant women and feel physical pain, or how I hear stories of women who've carried a baby after a rupture and feel hope that it can happen for me too. Those things I prefer to share with you, my readers, because I don't feel venerable with you. Here is deadbaby/blogland it's OK to be weak.

My husband and I haven't had the "baby" talk yet. I know he knows that I'm thinking about it. I'm not ready to have the conversation. I'm not ready for him to say no. I'm not ready to give up the dream. I am, however, willing to listen to him. I understand that he is concerned about his age. He wants to enjoy his retirement. Well hello, what about me? I am only 31 years old. I have lots of life left. I enjoy being a mom. I want to be a mom to one more baby. I'm not talking two or three more. I'm talking one. I can put myself in his shoes, but he has to put himself in mine also. Is it really fair of him to deny me the joy of having a baby because he feels too old? Maybe he should have thought about that before he married someone 16 years his junior. (Or many I should have thought about that before marrying someone 16 years older!)

We will work it all out I am sure. Of course, you will be the first to know. Don't expect me to change what I write, or the way I write it just because my husband pokes his nose in from time to time. It won't happen. We really don't have any secrets from each other. He really is my best friend, and knows me better than anyone else in the world. He didn't have to read it in a blog to know I want another baby. He knows me well enough.

By the way, this is my 100th post! Where does the time go?

Babies

I held a baby yesterday. It wasn't horrible at all. She was sleeping and I cuddled her. I loved it.

There have been a few times in these last few days where I've caught myself looking at a baby and wondering if she/he is the same age Brenna should have been. There was a pregnant woman in the checkout in front of me, ready to pop. I caught myself thinking we were pregnant at the same time and out babies should have went to school together.

Even though I think I'm really doing great, I catch myself thinking this stuff and then it makes me wonder... Am I going to think these thoughts forever? Ten years from now will I see a 10-year-old girl and wonder if her and Brenna would have been friends? I don't want to live my life wondering about those things.
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Totally off topic, I've been Scrapblogging a lot lately. There is something really cathartic about it. I don't know why, but it makes me feel so good. I think it's because this is the only way I can have pictures of all my kids together. I've printed a few of these out at Wal.green's and they have turned out great. I framed one of Brenna and gave it to my mom. She put it on her mantle, which made me feel good. I'm so glad that she feels comfortable sharing her with her friends and the rest of our family.

Here are a few of my favorite Scrapblogs. I don't know if you can view them from google reader.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday Olive Lucy!

Today is Christine's daughter Lucy's birthday. Lucy was stillborn. Christine was one of the first people I "met" on this journey of baby loss. I never met Lucy, and I haven't really met her mom, but they have changed my life. I could have went down a very different path if it weren't for them. For that I am grateful.

Would you please click the link and take a moment to Light a Candle for Lucy.

The Truth Is...

The truth is there is no answer to the "why". I do not believe God gives or takes babies at punishment or rewards. I do not believe I was being "taught a lesson" (although I hope to learn from this experience). I think the truth is, shit happens. Yes, I believe God is in control. But I don't think He took Brenna because I am a bad person, or because I am being punished. Just as I don't believe that freak in the laundry mat was given a baby as a reward for all his good deeds. The fact of the matter is, it was her time. Of couse I wish her time would have been when she was an 80 year old grandma, but it wasn't. Her time was meant to be short on this earth. There is nothing I can do about it. I can not change it. I have to stop asking the eternal question "Why?". The answer isn't because I did bad things or good things. The answer doesn't have anything to do with me.

The answer is: Because it was her time.

And that's OK. Well, it's something I'm learning to be OK with.

I am a Liar

I am a total liar. Remember when I told you this. Yeah, well, guess what... I LIED! I didn't mean to lie. I really, honestly thought it was true. That is how I had been feeling for a long time.

Then yesterday I had to go to the laundry mat because I broke my washing machine (it's only 2 years old- wonderful). There was this freaky guy who was looking at me like he wanted to eat me, seriously. I was so freaked out. Then I saw that he was there with a little baby girl. Probably 3 months old. I could not believe that that freak got to have a baby and I don't. WTF!?! As they left I gave him the death stare, but then I caught myself and said I silent prayer that the poor baby won't have to live the life I think she's going to have.

Then today I hear that these coke-heads (and I mean that literally- cocaine addicts) are expecting a baby. Are you kidding me here God? He is a dealer. She lost her job because she was stealing drugs from her patient. Great people to be giving a baby too God. WHY? I don't understand it. I just don't. I can't even write about it anymore because I am so fricking sick and tired of wondering why those loosers get to have a baby, and mine is dead.

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

Nighmares Anyone?

I really haven't had any nightmares about Brenna. I've really only had a few dreams about her. I'm not sure why, since she was all I thought about for several months. Who knows. Last night I had a nightmare about having a baby. I was in my fifth month and pieces of the baby kept falling out of me into the toilet. The part I remember the most is a foot. It fell right into the toilet and I was crying and wondering why this kept happening to me in the fifth month. I woke up with the sickest feeling. (I think the foot thing is related to another blogger who only was able to see her baby's foot. But it was still so disturbing.) I had a bad feeling all day that I couldn't shake.

I also think that this nightmare is linked to the fact (drum roll please) I've been considering wheather to try to have another baby. It is a big deal. I'm not sure my husband is going to be on board with the idea. He and I don't see eye to eye on the subject, and it is causing a rift in our relationship. Mostly because it has nothing to do with my health or finances. It's because he feels he's too old. He's 47. Our son is 11 and his thinking is he'll be done with high school in 7 years so we'll be "free" after that. I on the other hand am only 31. I feel like I really, really want this. I also feel like my eggs are getting older by the second. I need to get this over and done with.

Of course, there is the health aspect of it all. I am not oblivious to the risks involved. I know my uterus could re-rupture. But, truthfully I'd be will to have a hysterectomy if it meant I could have a healthy living baby. I always wanted another child after my son was born, but I accepted the fact it wasn't going to happen for us. Now that I had the carrot dangeled in front of me, so to speak, I can't shake the emptiness that I will feel if we don't at least try for another baby.

I would never do anything without my doctors blessing. But I found a uterine rupture support group, and many of them have had successful pregnancies after their ruptures. None of them has lost a baby due to re-rupturing. But a few have re-ruptured, which is scarry. I honestly, truely feel that a baby is worth the risk. I am also afraid that if my husband and I don't agree on this, I will resent him for it for the rest of my life. I already kind of resent him for not agreeing to have another baby when our son was younger. I always play the "what if" game in my head. What is he'd agreed earlier? Would this still have happened? I know it's not fair. It's not his fault, but I still can't help wondering...

So that is where I'm at right now. I am really hoping that I don't have another nightmare tonight, because that ruined my day. I can't stop thinking about it.